Thanks for the comforting words. I really needed them. W and I have been going up and down for about 5yrs now. We tried MC twice but we both agreed that we always focused on the kids not on ourselves. Back in June she kicked me out of the house for about 4 days and after that I volunteered to go she a shrink. Don't want to bash or blame him, he was nice guy, but he said I was bi-polar and put me on some heavy meds.
Things seemed better but I was relying on magic pill and not addressing the main issues. Same Stuff Different Day occurred and she dropped bomb on January 12 and filed week later. I left the H and have been seeing counselor since then, he asked who the shrink was I saw and after telling him his name the C said he diagnosed you as this and put you on this right? I laughed, yeah how you know that. C says the guy diagnosed everybody he sees the same and puts all on same stuff. Kinda made me mad.
So here I am, not first time that we admitted to problems but defiantly first time it has gotten this far with her telling me she is done. That things at home are less stress with me around, that kids are handling this fine. Etc etc. On the flip side right after saying that, she tells me that she probably won't change her mind this time, she is scared to make wrong final decision, has paperwork but has not given it to me yet and tells me she wants to discuss the R.
So I got that go for me. _____________ M32 W32 D7 D4 S3 M 9yrs Bomb 1/12/11 File 1/17/11
2. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman
3. His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr
4. Parenting With Love And Logic by Foster Cline (the concepts work on a WAS as well as children)
This is one on my to-read list that has been highly recommended.(1)
1. Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Just a word of caution do not get stuck in the mental world of your sitch. What I mean by that is don't get stuck in the thinking about things. Actually get out and do the things that you are talking about here. Put the things that you learn into action.
Also remember that change is HARD. For exapmle: Brushing your teeth. Most people brush their teeth in the same way each and every time. If you are one of those people try to do it differently. Try to see how your body reacts when you are trying this. It is a silly example but it does prove that change is truly difficult.
Will
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
I have been away for the last few days due to a serious illness. I wanted to update you guys on my sitch.
I held off on receiving the last rites yesterday to attended my counselor meeting. Guess who showed? The W, each time I have an appointment I have asked the W to go and this time she accepted. The following are the highlights on the session:
When she arrived she told me straight off not to get my hopes up. She said she decided to come this time to give me/her a chance to ask questions and find out where we stand.
Statments W said:
W-I have never seen him change so much for a such a long period of time. But how do I know he won't change back when he is surrounded by the daily stresses of family life.
M-I understand you feeling that way. Nothing in my history would give you the belief that the changes are for real. I know my words have no meaning but I look forward to showing you every chance I get that I do not want to be that person anymore.
W-I don't think we ever had a healthy/happy marriage.
H-I just listened on that one.
W-I have the D paperwork but haven't given it to you yet because I am still hanging on to the hope of a happy family with Mom, Dad and Kids. Do you just want me to give you the paperwork?
M-That is a decision that you will have to make.
W-I don't feel that I'm in love with you anymore.
M-i can understand that you feel that way and I am well aware that something that took years to break won't be fixed in a few months but I believe that fire is still lite inside of you for me.
She also said that she is in limbo and doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know her next move. She was wondering if we break all contact for sometime to see if there is anything there for us still or do we try build it back up little by little.
Right now we are in a holding pattern. I will give her all the time she needs even if she still leaves. I also told her that I know are M is over and I am glad because what we had was bad and I don't want it anymore.
I know this was long and thx to anybody who reads it.
Thank you for the suggestions on the reading material. I will be picking some of then up asap. As for the letting go part, I am trying and feel as if I am moving in the right direction.
I tried brushing my teeth a different way this am, did not go well. Lol!
Had a bad day today. Sometimes the ups/downs are to much to handle. I was sick all week so I didn't get a chance to see my kids and that led to me feeling like junk today. People say this is hard and unfair. Words like that don't begin to express the pressure you're under everyday. The not knowing, the loss of control, puts crazy thoughts into your mind. I have tried to let go of the of my sitch mentally, not mind read all of the W's words and actions but every time I try to have no contact with the W something about the kids come up and I have to talk to her!
Thoughts of being a failure as a husband and a father continue to hover inside of me, crushing any feelings of happiness that I try to have. I told the W that I have come to terms that we are getting D but it does nothing to make me feel better. I'm tired of worrying about my words and action, if she doesn't like it that it will be the final nail.
She is not done yet. If she were truly done you wouldn't see her showing up at your C sessions. She is however waiting to SEE the new you and if those changes will last. Remember no pursuing.
I would suggest that, for now, no more talking about your changes. Just let her see them. You have talked with her and she heard you. Let your actions meet the level of your words.
I saw my Wife as a wounded animal in the sense that she was wary of me even if I was there to help her. She was waiting for the feelings of safety to return. Waiting for me to get rid of the eggshells that she was walking on. Which me was going to show up? Was it the new me that tried to respect her, or the one who didn't respect her judgements and was subject to angry outbursts? Who does your wife want to show up?
I also thought of another book:
His Needs, Her Needs, for Parents. (A little more focused for those couples with children)
I had to go back to my old way of brushing my teeth. I was making myself sick. . .
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
M-I understand you feeling that way. Nothing in my history would give you the belief that the changes are for real. I know my words have no meaning but I look forward to showing you every chance I get that I do not want to be that person anymore.
Quote:
I'm tired of worrying about my words and action, if she doesn't like it that it will be the final nail.
So which way is it? Maybe I don't understand your last post and what you said here. Are you going to continue your changes even if she D's you? Are you saying that she has to take you as you are or forget the whole thing?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Changes are here to stay regardless. I want her to take me back for who I have and will become. I still struggle with worrying about how she could react to my words or actions.
EXAMPLE: Even thou I no live in house we still use joint checking account. W is spending $ as if I still live there and it causes me stress. I say little things here and there but am weary of making moves to curb the spending (like having my $ deposited in separate account) cause I don't want this to push her to the final D decision. So I vent to family and they swear up and down that the only reason she hasn't made final D is cause she is dragging it out until I take $ away and having/eating cake too.
As I said before I didn't get to see kids all week cause I was sick. This morning I get a call from W. (She is agitated) She tells me that there is baby shower for HS friend today and kids don't want to go, would I watch them? I wanted to see my kids so I agreed and asked what was troubling her? "I didn't want to ask you for help, that's what's wrong". Kids come over, we have fun, give boy a bath, all goes well. Few hours later W shows up and actually comes inside my moms house. (Always honks). W is in a good mood, says she is happy that she went, time flew by, great to see old friends again. Thanks me for watching kids and goes home. I call hours later to tell kids night and they tell me that they are helping mom make a new room in her bedroom. "How so"? Moving furniture, putting your stuff in closet, taking down frames on wall (wedding stuff) and putting up wall decals. GREAT!
So all I can hear inside my head is the voice of my family members who tell me that I am making it to easy on W and rushing to fix things. She had kids all week, no break. When I talked to her I could tell she needed break. She wanted that break by having me take kids and I did that cause I didn't see them and missed them something awful. She recharge at shower and goes home and erases more of me from my bedroom.
Changes are here to stay regardless. I want her to take me back for who I have and will become. I still struggle with worrying about how she could react to my words or actions.
This is plan H.O.P.E. It isn't really a plan. It just drives LBH's crazy and gets them no further towards their goal. What should their goal be? Detach from the outcome. You can do everthing *right* and still not get your desired outcome for your M. Your W has said that she doesn't want to be M to you, right now.
Quote:
So all I can hear inside my head is the voice of my family members who tell me that I am making it to easy on W and rushing to fix things.
If that is what they are saying. . . I agree with them.
Quote:
She had kids all week, no break. When I talked to her I could tell she needed break.
Mind reading
Quote:
She wanted that break by having me take kids and I did that cause I didn't see them and missed them something awful.
I can understand the thought of missing them.
Quote:
She recharge at shower and goes home and erases more of me from my bedroom.
Because she is very close to being done. Her emotions change too. She doesn't always hate you she stills feels some love for you but, she may not have all of IT figured out yet. One thing though: she is further along then you are. You need to catch up.
This is not easy.
Strength for you and your kids.
Will
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
W works for my brothers wife. SIL has stayed out of sitch but lately when I am around her and my brother she has been making comments/asking ?'S about how things are going. I was with her and my brother this past Sunday and two things came up.
1. We talked about the day before when I watched the kids because W didn't want to take them to a baby shower. After the kids went home, D called me and mentioned that they were giving mommy a whole new bedroom by moving furniture and taking down things on the wall. Well there are only three things hanging on the walls and they are all M related. It stung to hear but I got it out of my head faster than I have previously.
This is brought up with SIL and apparently it comes up with W at her job on monday because yesterday afternoon I get a call from W saying she wanted to let me know something. She said "I didn't take the wedding stuff off of the wall in the bedroom" "I do not know what D said but I just moved a few things around and took one frame down." "I know you got upset last time I did something to the bedroom and I didn't want you freaking out". I thanked her for calling me but I told her that it didn't bother me if she did anything to the bedroom. Its just room. I did ask "I thought you and SIL didn't talk about sitch?" "We don't" "Well you got a funny way of not talking about it". We laughed and I thanked her for not erasing me from the bedroom and I hung up the phone.
2. Later Sunday I had to go to back to school meeting and drop off paperwork with W afterwards. I get there and kinda make my self at home and just start playing with kids. After about 30min I ask W if she wants me to leave? She says no and we start talking about the C we went to last week. We both agree that nothing came out of it, my ?'S then answers and that it seemed like couples C that we both are not ready for. At one point she tells me that she isn't ready for me to come back home but she isn't ready to sign paperwork yet. She tells me that I should have seen this coming and that I didn't listen to her about her feelings before. I validated the heck out of that.
The convo went on for little bit more and I asked what her plan was? She said she didn't have one and was just going along to see what happens. I make the comment that it seems that unless we have some steps in either direction then we will still be standing in the same place for awhile. She agrees and asked what I had in mind. I said how about we do lunch one day this week and see what goes from there. She agrees to that so I plan on asking her one day. We then stop talking and she asks me to do her favor and change some flood lights in backyard. I agree and during it we are very playful with each other.
One other thing that happened this weekend was that on Sunday I got a text message from my FIL asking if I wanted to go to a father/son breakfast at his church next week. This is the first time I have heard ffrom him since the bomb and in the past 15yrs that I have known him he has never invited me to anything before. I ask him who is going and he says just him and I if I like. I accepted.
