from MICHELE: 12 TALKING TIPS

[MsRae]

How often does Michele post on her FB page? Are there regular articles there?

[sgctxok]

She posts sporadically. The articles are up on her blog (link is top of the page). She writes articles for Psychology Today as well.

[sgctxok]

As for me--I've used most of the DB techniques at one time or another.

Michele pounded into my brain: 'unless he's deaf, he heard you'....and 'don't give yourself an out' for the pushing.

When we push, or keep talking over again, we sound crazy, obsessive and bitchy.

I'm here to tell you really change can really happen if you let it. I don't do any of that anymore, and haven't for a few years.
All I have to do is mention something once. With something I want done, as in this example, I just need to start to do it, because he can do it so much better than me. So I started to paint the bathroom. Pretty ugly. He finished it -- oh, and redid my piece, and it's gorgeous.


But the most important most effective 'technique', bar none: is REAL GIVING. We each try to make each other happy. Even when we're upset, we've learned the consequences of just dumping our anger and unhappiness on the other, so we do the opposite of that now.

I know the thing that makes him happy is being sweet (not sappy, just warm), and looking nice. I know being 'edgy' makes him unhappy.

AS I write this it sounds simple, and it actually feels that way now, but it was a long road getting here.

I can tell you during the time we broke up (over about 4 months--about 2 years ago now?), we still talked once in awhile, we were still 'friends', and we went to a movie once or twice (that was it). I still called him 'honey' then. I stayed upbeat, too. I couldn't have done that if I didn't have years of DBing under my belt.

[sgctxok]

Also--really listening. I had to learn to shut up to really listen. And a good deal of what he had to say hurt, things about me he didn't like. I waited until another time to continue the conversation and share what I didn't like about him. That was different than when we used to argue before, because I'd just blast at the same time. We each heard each other pretty well. It was more like we were speaking right out of our hearts than at each other.

Making some of those changes is harder than others and takes longer, but we both feel more open and accepting knowing the other person is really caring and trying. The items themselves, are not as important as the actual love and trying.

[GH31]

Unfortunately when neither person in a marriage has any communication skills and avoids confrontation at all costs the final cost is your M.

Yes.

To avoid conflict is to create conflict where none before existed.

[GH31]

When we push, or keep talking over again, we sound crazy, obsessive and bitchy.

Yes, you do.

Unfortunately. None of us created the real world the way it is but once we understand how the real world operates, how men and women both give and receive communication, we can operate within it with confidence. And we'll all be a lot happier as a result.

[sgctxok]

^