Like I said, I will be addressing these questions with the DB coach tonight. BTW, I am under no illusion that everything is "hunky dory."
I can see it from both sides. Now one thing is completely true, the only way my W and I will ever reconcile, or even attempt it, is if her affair fizzles out, and she no longer gets that "excitement" from it. The question is, will "going dark" really speed up that process? I am not sure, maybe, maybe not. If I respond to her text, am I slowing this process down? IDK. She might be eating cake right now, but as far as that affecting how she feels for the OM, who knows.
One thing I do know, that IF her affair ever starts to fizzle, it is in our M's best interest that she feels possitive towards me when/if that happens.
Like I said, I will see what the DB coach says about this. Also keep in mind, I am initiating NO contact, I have only replied to her questions/comments.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Country our wives are so similar it's funny. I will let her know about the kid but never right away. They need time to wonder what's going on in life. I haven't answered a phone call from her all weekend but I will answer texts about the kids just not quickly.
This week is going to be the darkest yet because I am feeling good about me and I don't need her teenage drama. I think she may act worse than my 17 d!
You are a strong good man and your heart will start guiding you the right direction!
Have a great day Country!
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
I have done the same thing in waiting to reply. Usually let at least an hour go by. Who knows, but this has seemed to get her asking more questions. This weekend the questions switched from just things about our D to me and my life. I know I shouldn't over analyze this, but I do see it as a baby step in the right direction.
I know this is going to take A LOT of time. I am prepared, and the help here is invaluable in getting through it.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I have been around here long enough and have seen so much and at the risk of being banned I need to watch what I write.
So, what are you doing that is attractive to your W?
Being mysterious works, how can you be mystrious?
Let's think about how the WAW who is having an affair looks at the sitch. WAS- Well, I have this magical R with someone who finally understands me. The thought of seeing him gives me much anticipation. I still have my H at home waiting for me and I know he'll always be there for me. He's a great guy and a good father but we don;t have that special connection.
This is cake eating, all WAW do it. Proving to her you are the best option is essential. If she can't see that then it's out to you NOT to be an option for her.
People crave what they can;t have. Your W knows she has you. You need to flip things around where you put the fear in her about losing you.
I'm here to help. I have traveled the road you are currently on. I have seen what works and what doesn't. I have never seen a LBS win back his WAW be letting an affair fizzle out.
Are you a country music fan? there so many songs that fit our sitch. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Hey gr8, appreciate the reply, I will try to answer some of your questions...
So, what are you doing that is attractive to your W? My 180's have been working out, cutting way back on the drinking and getting out more. I know these things are important to her, but even more importantly, these are things I have wanted to do, and I am feeling better about myself doing them. The rut I was in also led to some depression issues. These things have helped that a lot, and I know my W has noticed how happy I have been lately. Like I mentioned a few posts back, my sense of humor was always an attraction for my W, and it is also just part of me and something I enjoy and makes me feel good. I have been keeping that up and giving her glimpses of that when appropriate.
Being mysterious works, how can you be mystrious? Like I mentioned, I am initiating NO contact, and I am also ignoring certain text messages and giving others a decent amount of time before replying. This has led to increased questions on her part. I plan on continuing this and phasing it out even further. Increasing the time before I reply and ignoring more when the questions do not have to do with our D.
Proving to her you are the best option is essential. If she can't see that then it's out to you NOT to be an option for her. I agree, and I am moving in that direction. I know many peoples opinion here is I am staying too much of a friend, but, that is not my intention. Like I said, I am not the one initiating contact, and I am working on limiting replies only to matters of our D. I am hesitant to abruptly start ignoring EVERY message she sends me. I do not see that as an appropriate way to handle this. I think a more slower transition into this will work better for me.
I have never seen a LBS win back his WAW be letting an affair fizzle out. Well, I cannot imagine winning anyone back without it. I see your point that my actions can perhaps encorage it to happen, or speed up the process, but mostly this is up to her.
Are you a country music fan? there so many songs that fit our sitch. I am, but not to the extent perhaps my name implies. I enjoy the out "outlaw" group. Willie, Waylon, Johnny, Merle, etc. I grew up with it and still enjoy it. It is weird, but I have listened to that stuff quite a bit lately. People might think listening to all of those songs about heartbreak to be depressing, but for some reason it cheers me up!!! I am also a big fan of many type of music, a lot of rock, punk, post-punk, jazz, folk, almost everything. Music is a hobby of mine, I am a vinyl guy and love kicking back with a record on.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
CS thanks for sharing. If it appears I'm beating you up, I'm not. We are all here to help. It took me plenty of 2x4s from my predesessors(sp ?) to finally "get it"
I learned plenty from my db coach too.
I learned to have self esteem again and confidence. Check out the thread that coach has on attraction. If fact go back and follow coach's posts. It's a wealth of knowledge.
For me it came down to~~ I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I took back my life. Living forward.
gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
No worries, not feeling beat up at all. I am just trying to make sure everyone understands my thought pattern here and I appreciate every bit of feedback and advice I have received.
I can't find the thread you are referring to, any chance for a link?
BTW, I went back and got a quick update on your sitch. Last I saw goes back several months where it sounded like you and your W were dating. How are things going now?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Gr8 I really liked your paragraph on what the WAW is thinking. How true it must be. I would copy and paste it here but I am doing this on my blackberry and am not sure if I can do it. I would also like the link to the DB coach thread on attraction
It is not a DB coach it was a user here named Coach. right click his name and you can view all is posts.
I learned a lot from Coach, robx and puppy dogs tails.
Limbo is the worst place to be. I lived there for months. It wasn't until the light bulb went off one day that I finally got it. It will come. i understood the fear of letting go. I'll find thought thread too.
gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
