Today is my 4th months anniversary! 4 months honey!!! I will celebrate with a shot nyquil and a good book!
Dude, I went to the drug store to get you a card, but they don't have one for this occasion!!!
March 6th will be my six month anniversary. By the way, that is just three weeks for what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. I know for certain anniversaries, you are supposed to get a certain item like gold on the 40th or something. I guess for my 10th, my wife will give me "the finger!" I couldn't seem to find that in the wedding etiquette book we got years ago...
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I know for certain anniversaries, you are supposed to get a certain item like gold on the 40th or something. I guess for my 10th, my wife will give me "the finger!" I couldn't seem to find that in the wedding etiquette book we got years ago...
FOBD
that is awesome!
I'm stealing that for a screenplay. I'll be sure to give you credit
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Sorry to hear that. But, hey, that is OK, right? 2step, you clearly are one of our leaders of the pack right now when it comes to working the magic and playing the game. Keep it up! I am watching you for my own future actions!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
It is a marathon FOBD. Be patient my friend. Time is your friend not your enemy.
Don't rush it or you will get what you don't want.
In the meantime keep working on you. One of the reasons I like the article on the DB FB site is because it gives me a chance to understand why I think and act a certain way.
I really do hope they keep posting things like that. It really helps to heal
In an effort to blame someone else for my issues, I blame my spotty appearances on you right now. Man, it's KILLING ME! H is back at house. Me, taking 2STEP'S ADVICE is trying to keep the PC usage to a minimum. I finally cracked last night, though, because seriously, no PC at all ISN'T working.
Tell me, tell me, tell me. What do you want to share??
Glad you talked to coach. Tell me EVERYTHING that was said because I really want to know.
In the famous words of that TV show of generations past - WELCOME BACK KOTTER !!!! we missed you. That is FABULOUS that your H is back at the house, could not be happier for you, serious joy in your house I am sure. That is my daily prayer here is that my W would return to our home and give me one more chance to prove that I have changed and that we can have an abundant marriage built on Christ's love in both of our lives. That has not yet happened but it continues to be, not my daily prayer, but my hourly one. In the mean time I am GAL here and continuing on my journey to become a better man, better husband, friend and father - apparently I have a LOT of work to do on me.
That is funny how you talk of your effort to blame someone else for your "issues" believe me - you are not alone on that one - its almost like we ALL have that market cornered in our lives - each and every one of us seek to look to someone else to blame for our sitch other than ourselves. Its a tough lesson to learn that is for sure - why is it that we resist looking in the mirror so much - is the pain of self evaluation and discovery that searing that we all run from it - perhaps.
Tell us all this wonderful news in your life with your H returning. We all need shots in the "emotional arm of encouragement here" and when one of us BITS experiences joy and success we all do, so my friend - share the love here with us - what happened and what is happening. This is the VERY fabric of DB, when one spouse perseveres through the tough - very VERY tough times in their marriage, refuses to give up, reads, listens, learns how to love their spouse properly, and CHANGES, not just to accomplish a "goal but actually changes for the better and makes those changes permanent, therein lies the very fabric of DB.
WELL DONE LIS - you go girl !!!!!!!!! And all the BITS say together -YAAAHOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!! FOR LIS. You get the badge for DB Forum coach of the month here for sure.
As for me and my sitch, I will for the benefit of anyone who is reading this post, go over basically what my coach encouraged me to both do, and not do in my current sitch. Brief recap here for anyone new. Married 33 years to the love of my life. We are now separated for 5 months, with her living at another house in our same neighborhood.
LONG story short, we had an extremely dysfunctional and angry marriage - not yelling and screaming at each other but very angry and destructive nonetheless - we battled each other with our silence and our emotional distance - emotional distance was our joint "weapon of choice" and we both used it well to both intentionally and unintentionally harm the other. It stuns me how we both could hurt the other one so much over such a long period when we actually both loved each other very much - HOW does that happen in life ???? So in that emotional distant desert that we both lived in, I failed first and had two affairs - both with very attractive women who knew of my unfulfilled marriage (because I talked about it for years to friends) and so they offered their shallow "treats" to me, and I took them. That was MY huge mistake, I told my wife about both of them and sought her forgiveness. When the first affair happened I begged my wife to work with me to change and create an abundant physical and emotional bond between us - she refused saying there was nothing wrong with her - our issues were 100% my fault, and she was not changing anything. Her message to me was - its your fault go get "fixed". That resulted in our first separation about 10 years ago. We both had "relationships" with others, I actually fell in love with an amazing woman and experienced what a "real" intimate and abundant relationship was supposed to be like. My wife also had a man in her life, but that was only sex - no emotional tie at all - just sex. After a two year separation, I left the OW because I desperately needed my young kids back in my life and I literally begged my wife to take me back and I took the attitude that I would put up with anything to restore my family. And I did - put up with everything - including an intimate desert in our marriage - one with no connection. That continued for years, and again I failed years later with a second affair. I fell because I was weak and lonely and yes VERY angry at my W for never changing never working at our relationship - always maintaining that every problem lay at my doorstep with literally NOTHING being wrong with her. Seriously frustrating. That combined with intense sleep depravation because of her chronic coughing and snoring - that forced me to sleep either in the guest room or on the couch almost every night for the past 20 years -lay the basis for serious anger and dysfunction in our marriage - believe me when I tell you all this - an intimate bond was NOT there in the least. This continued on for years with us being angry at each other and exhibiting that anger with disconnection in our marriage - we merely "existed" under the same roof. Yes there was sex - but there was never any romance or making love - it was merely sex - and very unfulfilling sex at that. To say that we lived in a Sex Starved Marriage was the understatement of the decade. Actually that is in fact how I found Michele's organization and this entire community of "People of the Earth who Hate Divorce". I was in Barnes and Noble one day, aching over our sitch and saw the book "The Sex Starved Wife" on the shelf and immediately gravitated to it - bought it - and here I am - reading The Sex Starved Wife, The Sex Starved Marriage and Divorce Remedy, plus in the DB Telephone Coaching program. I am fighting for my marriage with every weapon I can muster. I made SOOOOOOOOOO many mistakes in our marriage it defies comprehension.
So time under both sexual and emotional distance continues in our marriage with neither one of us changing or even budging towards abundance. Then in Sept 10 the BOMB of my life is dropped - I discover my W affair - not just with any OM out there, but in fact with my cousin - the man I loved and admired for my entire life. He was older than me, I am 58 and he is 70 - and he seduced my wife and had a long standing torrid affair with her that started in my own home when I was out of town. I discovered their affair in checking her emails and found hundreds of emails between them - very graphic and very sexual - that detailed their sexual history - that KILLED ME. I have never known such pain in my life- to be betrayed by both my wife and my cousin - the man who I most admired in my entire life. This is pain I never knew existed. I went to him and confided in him seeking his advice on how to improve my marriage, I gave him the "keys to my castle" telling him of the heartache in our marriage and how I had failed at being a good husband - and that Judas used that to drive a stake of hate thru my heart. I literally did not think I would survive that pain - but I did.
The day I found out was the day I kicked her out of our home, the pain was far too great that day to even think properly - I was in the most rage I have ever experienced in my life - with both my wife and my cousin jointly going out to purchase the gun and both aiming it at my heart and pulling the trigger together - and they did - hundreds of times over many many months. Believe me when I tell you this BITS - I know betrayal and I know pain.
I also know this. I love my wife and I forgive not only her, but I forgive him too. I actually did write an email to him telling him that I forgave him - I never thought I would be able to do that in a billion years - but I did. I was only able to forgive not only my wife, but the OM who drove the stake of hate thru my heart, with the love of Christ in my life -without my first being the recipient of forgiveness of my sins from Christ, thru his death on the cross and thru his resurrection, I would never have been able to forgive. Believe me when I say this BITS, thru Christ Jesus all things are possible, even forgiveness.
So here I am, a sinner, looking for restoration of my marriage and wanting to actually LEARN how to properly love my wife. She wants to hear nothing of it, and for her the ONLY path is the failure of divorce and she is determined to achieve that in her life - to divorce me.
I am falling not only at the foot of the cross and relying only on Christ's love in my life - but I am seeking the wise and godly counsel of my DB coach. I come to this forum not knowing what to do, wanting to do things MY WAY, and having things happen in my time on my terms - just like I lived in my marriage for the past 33 years - on my terms according to my needs and desires - in a word - WRONG !!!!! My wife is 100% convinced that it is literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to change - literally impossible. Is change HARD, yes, for me it is extremely hard to change - but change I will do - so help me God.
I know this is long BITS but I wanted to share some history as to what brought me to this community of "PEOPLE OF THE EARTH WHO HATE DIVORCE" as I like to refer to us, and here is my goal. I start each and every day reading this aloud in bed before my feet hit the floor. It is my daily prayer and my desire, to LEARN to love my wife like this - every day.
1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Live does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures thru every circumstance."
Had I learned that and in fact lived that kind of love with my wife since I met her 35 years ago, I would not be writing this today and in this forum. However, God does work in mysterious ways and uses all things for good to bring His children into a closer walk with Him - perhaps this is His way for me to finally get closer to Him.
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
