Shine on you crazy diamond II

[ninelives]

FOBD

There is no easy answer here. You are in such a precarious position right now. Last year when my W first left and about 4 months in, I hooked up with a girl who was recently divorced.

IT was NOT good. We had sex but almost everytime I just wondered; Why arent you my wife. IT was an awful feeling.

That relationship faded fast. But what do you do? They may come back but will they really love you? And what if she doesnt come back? I know your vows meant something to you but did they mean the same to her?

Is she just in denial right now about your relationship or is she truly done? I really dont know how to advise you FOBD, ONLY YOU can decide how much you can take.

I think for your sake, you have to move on for now and keep a little hope in a box tucked away. But even that little HOPE can weigh on you as you analyze every little thing she says or does.

BELIEVE me, I know how you feel.

HANG IN THERE MAN

9
BITS

[iwllbd1]

I'll tell you something man. When you said that your wife still has her wedding band on, I got kinda jealous. I know it isn't on the finger you would like it to be, but just wearing it says something to me. My wife took hers off right before she dropped the bomb, the old ILYBNILWY thing. That is a contious decision to put that band on every day.

[dixiegal]

FOBD,

First rule...no drinking

Second....your not ready to be in those type of situations. I know your buddies mean well. But, ya gotta avoid that scene.

Third...your vows mean something to you. It makes no difference if she doesnt look at it the same. You are Married so, act like it.

Listen, I know exactly how you feel. But,you have to find things that help you GAL. You are not ready to be with anyone. There is no shame in loving your W and wanting R with her. You have to conduct yourself like the H she would want!

Ya know the saying...two wrongs dont make a right? That applies here. Your W may have strayed, sure. But, maybe she hasnt. Either way, would it change your Love for her?

So, FOCUS all your attention on you and getting yourself to a place of peace and calm. So, if/when she comes around you will be ready. She will see the change in you...

But, if however you go the other way and "hook up" with someone...all this was for nothing...


At the end of day FOBD...it's your life and you have to live with your choices. Only you know when your done. But, I don't think you are yet...right?

Dixie

[FellOnBlackDays]

Thanks, BITS!

Feeling better today. Went to a baseball game with friends last night and had a good time. Had a few beers, but did not get drunk. Still think about her constantly. Day 13 with no contact. My mail here at the house has all but stopped. Thanks, USPS!!! I guess I am going to have to call her. I have not gotten bills or bank statements in some time. I think she must have it all. Not cool...

None the less, I am going to work on me today. Did some housework and headed to the gym in a few minutes. Looking forward to a quiet, sober weekend. I hope all my BITS are doing well!!!

FOBD

[lostinscared]

I'm surprised she's not calling about the insurance thing and mail. Is she mad at you for some reason?

I'm praying for you, sweetie.

LIS

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost, I think she is. Her last convo with me was not very positive. Her voice had a hint of anger in it that I have not detected in some time. I think she doesn't appreciate the "going dark." I think she sees it as the old FOBD. You know, the one who could not relate his feelings or his emotions. I am very worried about my plan right now. I am looking for input from the BITS on this. She shouldn't have any reason to be mad at me right now. I have complied with all her wishes lately. I still think she sees the "going dark" as me giving up on us. I think I am going to reconsider my approach starting tomorrow.

BITS never walk alone!!

FOBD

[ninelives]

I would reconsider that FOBD. You are reading into that she may be angry at you. Maybe she is angry at herself for the crazy situation. Maybe going dark is making panic a little and it is coming out as anger. Who knows with the wAW's but you know the situation best. Just dont you panic and start professing undying love etc.....

Im not sure if you read up on my stich, but my therapist mentioned that when my wife panics because of little contact, she reacts and then even gives off hope until she knows that im there for her , her well is full now and then she feels better and then backs off again and is free to persue her other relationship knowing that i am there for her.

Your guess is as good as mine but dont you panic.

9
BITS

[iwllbd1]

FOBD
Buddy, I keep hoping things will come around for ya. I've been thinking about your sitch a lot bc you have helped so many of us here and we need to return the favor. I think you should contact her. you know her better then the rest of us. In DR in talks a lot about trial and error. Well you have tried the "dark" approach and it seems to not be right at this time. You have a legitimate reason to contact her, your not pursuing. I think its time to apply a little different stratagy.

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
Woke up this morning still confused. Thanks for all the input from the team. No, I don't plan on telling her I love her or professing my love, but I do think I need to call her. One, I need my mail (it upsets me that she doesn't think this is important. It shows me how messed up she really is still). Two, she owes me money and some things she took without my permission. Now, I know these really are excuses to discuss my want to contact her. Yes, I do need my mail considering some of them are bills. But, I don't really need the money as I make enough to live alone. And, I don't really care about the things she took without my permission as much of can be easily replaced. So, I guess it really comes down to the mail and my never-ending want to here her voice.

If she is starting to panic, well, I guess that would be OK. I do want her to spend some time thinking about what she has done. But, I don't want her to completely lose it and do something foolish or just give up on us. I know, I can't control her or what she thinks. I can only control me. I will think about this some more today. I think she really needs to understand that she could lose me if this continues. Maybe that is OK with her, who knows?

I think the important part is that I have grown enough to be OK with where I am right now. I am taking care of myself and what is best for me. But, at some point, I want to start doing what is best for my marriage because my marriage is a big part of me...

True or JB3, if you are out there, I would love some input.

I hope all the BITS are doing well today!!

FOBD

[sparks14]

FOBD - I don't have any good advice concerning going dark. I am not there yet in my own sitch, but I do relate to the following.

If she is starting to panic, well, I guess that would be OK. I do want her to spend some time thinking about what she has done. But, I don't want her to completely lose it and do something foolish or just give up on us. I know, I can't control her or what she thinks. I can only control me.FOBD

AS my wife moves into her own apartment on Saturday, I am finally getting to a place where I am letting go inside. Not letting go of my DB. Not quitting. Just giving into the idea that I can only change myself. I cannot make decision for her. Will this apartment and "needing her space" allow her to really think about her position in our M? Will it just allow easier access to the OW? In the end, it is not mine to control.

I wish you the best, man. Keep your head up.