Yes, I do need a new plan, because this one is driving me crazy.
I know you guys don't like my C, but I am going to stick with him for now. I simply trash his advice about my M and mostly listen to him for personal advice.
Yes, I to think that her moving again 3 weeks ago did start the clock over again. I was hoping that when she had to leave the first place, she would just move to her parents house and not sign a lease of any kind. That might have been my first sign that she was having second thoughts. Well, that was not to be. Instead, she found a new place, signed a 6 month lease and showed up here with a moving truck and her hand out looking for money. I was devastated. Funny enough, I just put it together today. I have been feeling like crap for three weeks now and I just realized that all began about the time that she moved into her new place. I guess that whole thing (seeing her in the house, having talks about logistics, separating the stuff, helping her pack, etc.) has really, really hit me hard and I have not been able to recover since then. I have spent entire weekends drunk like a damned fool.
In hindsight, you and the BITS are right. Now is probably not a good time for a "where are we session" with her. I will probably just get crushed and end up in a bottle for the weekend. If she is still hiding her address (which she is), I doubt very seriously that she will have any mercy on me during a talk such as that one.
I do really, really want to have the apology speech with her. It is genuine. I have learned so much about myself and my M since she left. And I do realize she had to leave or I would have never changed. I want her to know I am sorry regardless of whether or not she comes home.
I will have to figure out this dark vs dim thing with some "probing." I think going dark is a bad idea due to our history. But, I also have to give her time to reflect, heal and miss me. I think I might experiment over the next week or so. Although, I called her on Sunday night to tell her about the insurance mess she caused. On the second ring, she sent me to voicemail. I left a message stating that she needed to call me about this issue. It has been three days and nothing. What a mess???
Yes, this probably will go on for some time. Probably for months. I don't know how I am going to get through this. Spend time here, spend time in the gym, GAL when I can and put one foot in front of the other each day. On March 6th, she can file and it will be over. You only have to wait six months in my state to get the completed D when you don't have kids. I am going to be nervous wreck that week. Oh, what joy!?!?! That is the same week as my brother's wedding. You know the one I am talking about??? The one where I am going to have to sit 25 feet away from her for three hours while everyone dances and celebrates the love between two people. Someone shoot me in the freaking head now, please!?!?!
At least I have my BITS!!! And, unlike her roving band of idiots that helped her move out and leave her marriage, I have you guys who will keep me on the right path!
I have to end on this note. A couple of weeks ago when we had one of our talks, she made sure to tell me that her friends and family had no influence over her decision to leave. She swore this was all her idea. But, later in the conversation, when she was doing quite a bit of apologizing for the sh*tty things she did... well, all of a sudden, she was "pushed." When I asked why she stole all of her stuff out of the house when she told me she was coming for some clothes. "Uh, well, my mother thought you would do something to my stuff." Your mother, huh??? Why did you go find an apartment and not tell me? "Well, my friend (name) had this place I could move into right away and thought that I should not say anything until it was time." Glad to see your friends and family had no influence on you, my wife of 15 years!!!
BITS never walk alone!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
FOBD The WAW never likes to admit that they have been influenced or possibly controlled. Remember, she left and want to show the world, especially you, that she can stand on her own two feet. To admit anything else would be a sign of weakness or a mistake on there part. They are putting up a front just like we are. People carry a lot of pride in not making mistakes, especially in public. I think more S that are considering coming back, would do so sooner, if they weren't afraid of looking foolish. Like a dog returning home with his tail between his legs. Of coarse, we don't see them like that and I don't believe society does either. People like to see marriages work out. I know I do
IL, thanks for the words of wisdom. Yes, you are right. I think if my W wanted to come back right now she would not for two very important reasons:
1) She would have to face her friends (who apparently mean more to her right now than I do.) 2) She would think that she is going to get punished by me for doing what she did. (That part is my fault. For years, whenever my W would insist on having something that I didn't approve of, we would argue. Then, I would give in. She would get it. At some point, it would turn out not to be what she expected, would be disappointed, and express that to me. Instead of comforting her, I would rub salt in her eyes and say stupid crap like, "I told you so!!" So, even if she wants to come back right now, she won't because I trained her to believe punishment would be forthcoming. ALL MY FAULT, COMPLETELY!!!)
I guess I will sit here and wait like a good DBer.
BITS never walk alone!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Yo FOBD, you know, I can really relate to you, first, the Pink Floyd reference, right there I know you have some cool in you. The other thing is the drinking, it has been one of my demons for many years. When this first started my W and I did go to a couple of counseling sessions together. The C was obsessed with my drinking, basically making it the whole reason for all of this. Truth is, in a lot of ways she was right. Almost every time my W and I had a fight, there was drinking involved. I got mad, I yelled. I never got physical, but I know I scared my W. Then, when she left, I realized how much I did scare her. She was afraid to come by the house by herself. She was afraid I would hurt her, she was also afraid I would hurt myself. That really made me think. I say all of this, and I still haven't stopped drinking. I think I have even tried to kid myself on how much I currently have it under control. Basically, I am not getting "drunk" anymore (ok, a couple times), but I still find myself having a drink more often than I should. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know how I understand that part of what you are going through. Not saying you have a problem with alcohol, just admitting that I do, and I understand how it can be (improperly) used to cover up other problems.
Anyways, I just realized all I did was jump in your thread and rambled on about myself, I have a bad habit of doing that. Hang in there man, bad days come and go. When you feel the worse, all that means is better days are coming.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
FOBD, I just did the sincere talk. I told my W about how it took her leaving for me to figure out what was wrong from my end. All she told me was there is too much baggage and that I should've figured it out earlier. I don't feel like it was a bad conversation but I knew I shouldn't have said any of it but I couldn't get anything to close my mouth. I feel like a fool. The first time I got around her for any length of time I let it all out. Just make sure if you do this you can control what you say. Now I don't even know what direction to go.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
I think that experimenting is fine. 6 months? Heck, waiting period is only 60 days here. I question the sanity in that.
The roving band of idiots is tough. I had the same situation with my H. I believe the spouses are definitely influenced by these people. But, in the end, I do believe that they are still making their own decisions. No one, except the mentally disturbed, encourages a happy spouse to leave a marriage. So, like you, I'm pissed at his roving band of idiots but I still understand that they are just trying to help my H. They know not what they do. I wouldn't waste my time worrying about it.
The wedding. Yeah, I'd probably like to shoot myself too. But this is an opportunity and you need to get your head right for it. FOBD needs to shine bright. You don't get many chances for that long of a period of time to do that. But you need to figure out what to do here.
If you want to apologize, that's great. BUT, do not get into a conversation about how you changed and all of that. She's going to need to see that. Make your apology and then let her think on it for awhile.
Sweetie, mostly I'm just so sorry that you are having a hard time. I just see you trying so hard and I wish that your wife could see what we do. Figure out how to do that.
The other thing is the drinking, it has been one of my demons for many years. When this first started my W and I did go to a couple of counseling sessions together. The C was obsessed with my drinking, basically making it the whole reason for all of this. Truth is, in a lot of ways she was right. Almost every time my W and I had a fight, there was drinking involved. I got mad, I yelled. I never got physical, but I know I scared my W. Then, when she left, I realized how much I did scare her. She was afraid to come by the house by herself. She was afraid I would hurt her, she was also afraid I would hurt myself. That really made me think. I say all of this, and I still haven't stopped drinking. I think I have even tried to kid myself on how much I currently have it under control. Basically, I am not getting "drunk" anymore (ok, a couple times), but I still find myself having a drink more often than I should. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know how I understand that part of what you are going through. Not saying you have a problem with alcohol, just admitting that I do, and I understand how it can be (improperly) used to cover up other problems.