Low today, and for no reason other than W was looking really good when she left for work. She's lost some weight and looks great. Have to say that through all of this the hardest thing has been the mornings, being around W as she gets ready for her day. It's torture. My C says he's actually found this to be common.
Anyway, starting the day with that defeated feeling makes it harder to work the plan....harder to be pleasant, fun, exciting.
I've been doing pretty well with the plan, but still get the feeling that it's not dramatic enough, that time is awastin'.
[edited by dbmod: advertising] So true, but much harder to make those changes with a "full" life of kids and work and other things.
In the book [edited by dbmod: advertising, particular book is not recommended] the author actually mentions the Seinfeld episode where George does the opposite of whatever he'd normally do and his life takes a turn for the better. Even if the rest of the book didn't describe me so well I'd be a fan simply for this reason. It's inspired me to make a list of things I have done vs. what I need to do.
1) When I have the urge to sacrifice something to make W happy but deep down I know I may resent it later - I don't do it. I calmly explain why.
2) When my efforts to make W happy don't seem to work do not try harder - just stop, show her I care, and let it pass. Everyone has moods sometimes.
3) When things are scary and uncertain - don't insist on reassurance, don't get upset, don't hold on too tight. I keep my head.
4) When I want her - make her want me. When I want to go to her - make her want to come to me. When this is hard to do I hit the gym and listen to music.
5) When I am insecure about potential OM - I give W freedom (up to the point it doesn't impact one of my NUTS - see book by similar name).
6) When I feel like sitting in the house all day - I get up and leave.
7) When I am dwelling on my situation - I do something for someone else.
8) When I feel alone - I call up a friend, or visit this site.
9) When I get the urge to talk too much - I shut up and enjoy the quiet. I try to convey my meaning in unspoken ways, using body language if I can.
You need to expect times when your emotions will be down. You might think of doing something to distract your attention during that time your W gets ready for work.
Okay, you are making some good goals here. I see the first to are in light of you trying to make W happy. Do you realize that you can't make your W happy? Just as love is a decision....so is happiness. Nobody can make her happy, it's her personal choice. I'd say that should take a giant burden off your shoulders!
Quote:
When I have the urge to sacrifice something to make W happy but deep down I know I may resent it later - I don't do it. I calmly explain why.
Why do you have to explain? Is it b/c she would be asking you to sacrifice something in order to make her happy?
Nothing wrong with what you said here, but I wanted to point out that tradionaly, this would sound as if a woman wrote it b/c we females usually feel these things and look to the H to be strong and reassure us. When you put this goal into effect...your W should feel more womanly and realize she can lean on you for your strength. Make sense?
I think you get an A+ on your goal setting!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yep, you're right. Those first two are focusing on my W. Old habits die hard. Weird I didn't catch that. Scratch those.
The second part hurts a little, but just because it's true. My W would say the same thing. I could try to explain why it's turned out this way, but I got all that out in previous posts.
Weird thing is that I am a calm, confident man in all other areas of my life. I just got sucked into this horrible dynamic with W - which I think she thought she wanted, but at some basic level she realizes she doesn't - that I've got to shake off. I've made some progress, and seen some glimpse's of the "old" me. I've got to do more....
Sandi2, one of these days I'll post the story of how I turned this around. Don't know if W will be around, but I'll be in a better place. I appreciate the advice.......
In my sitch though I was trying to make W happy, I was hovering and crowding her. I was too attached.
This worked early in our M as she played the damsel and I played the knight. She does not know now how to be happy, because I never enabled her to grow. She needed me to detach. She tried to tell me, but not in a manner I understood so I did not.
As you move through this journey improving yourself do not make my mistakes. Grow and sustain your changes so your W can grow also.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Warning: the entertainment value of this thread is about to go up.
Yesterday took a half day, played with kids, made them dinner, arranged for a sitter, picked sitter up. W and I went out - first shopping (Sandi2, told you I was cleaning out the closet.), then to dinner. While at dinner I got a few emails - two of my projects received funding! Which means a big bump in salary - so I tell W we'll celebrating. We were invited to a movie premier in our town so we go and W picks out a seat right near the front.
Guess who was sitting in the seat directly in front of us?
(I held it together to finish off a nice evening, but only because of what I've been learning and reading, and because I was REALLY focused on the goal of having a nice evening together)
As W's businees trip approaches I'm finding it hard to stay positive. She bought the most increable red dress for the trip - absolutely beautiful. I'm telling myself it's natural for her to want to look good. And I'm remnding myself that boss' W decided to come along on the trip.
OK. Said I'd keep posting as I worked the plan and read the books.
In spite of that bummer of a surprise on our night out I did manage to stay calm, confident. I was positive and decisive for our kid-free day and a half, I spoke slowly and joked around. Made sure I looked good for a dinner event we went to Saturday, and gave W plenty of space. When W talked about her upcoming business trip abroad I listened as much as I could, then was honest saying "OK, let's talk about something else now." (I was to go on this trip for training but was sort of disinvited by W's boss for a bogus reason, and this is hurting my ability to do my job - so I can listen but it eventually makes me upset. Decided this is a boundary for me.)
Anyway, it was sort of a 180 for me. Avoided OR talk. Avoided anything too negative. And I have to admit it sort of worked in little ways. W was more affectionate than usual. Though it is REALLY up and down, hot and cold. SHe seems to be struggling with "what she wants" in life and "what is important". And she seems to want everything both ways, having trouble making decisions. Odd.
I am really struggling with W's trip. And I REALLY need to smile and send her off without getting needy or asking for reassurance. I've decided to do this and I need to follow through. It will be a hard enough week with the kids.
Re-read NMMNG by D. Glover, which is resonating with me a lot lately. But while the tips are helpful and I understand my tendencies I'm starting to doubt that I will really get over it and not feel this way. Whether it is something for childhood (as the book suggests) or something in the wiring (genetic, etc.) I wonder if this will always be a daily struggle, like I'll project confidence and calm about my M but be all knotted up inside. Honestly, maybe this is how men who feel their Ws are beautiful feel - unsettled and a bit worried by the attention from other men.
Realizing that I have no point of reference for what is "normal" in this case. Therapist says my reaction is entirely normal, maybe even understated and that most Hs he's met would have a lot of trouble with my situation. Says I've handled it very well. (Of course, it certainly did a number on me and my M, so I guess "handled it well" is relative.
