In October 2010 my wife (43) of 16 years dropped the ILYBNILWY on me (45). I knew she had been unhappy and in a generally bad mood for months by the way she snapped at me, our son (14), daughter (11), and just her general disposition, but I didn't push her too hard to find out why in the preceeding months and she didn't bring it up either. We were both just avoiding the conflict, running on autopilot, and waiting for the shoe to drop. When it dropped, we talked all night and I was amazed at how unhappy, confused, angry, and bitter she was about many aspects of her life. Her self esteem was nil, she felt like a bad mother because our kids were not as smart, athletic, successful as other kids, and our marriage was not happy. She said that she just wanted to be happy and it shouldn't be a struggle to be happy. She also said that we didn't have fun anymore, didn't have anything in common, and wasn't sure if she could be happy with me in the future. Our kids are wonderful by the way, our son is a good kid (despite ADHD) and our daughter is a joy who isn't limited by the Down Syndrome she happened to be born with. My wife has always been a strong advocate on behalf of our daughter and has put a lot more effort than I into making sure our daughter participates in social activities, sports, ets and has a full life. I think my wife resents me for not doing as much as she has for our daughter.
Background: She lost her job in April 2009 when the mortgage industry tanked and her company shrunk. She seemed to take it well at first and had a nice summer with the kids collecting unemployment checks and going to the pool or park every day. I looked at her layoff as a blessing in disguise since for years she had talked about leaving the finance industry and going back to school to get a nursing degree. When the kids went back to School in September 2009 my wife tried to sign up for some classes using unemployment grants, but the paperwork was slow and it was about 6 or 8 months untl she could get in her first class.
She has never been a stay at home mom and a lot of her self-esteem came from her career, so the long months sitting around the house trying to stay occupied just wore her down. For my part, I made some suggestions on projects around the house to keep her busy, but she usually reacted negatively (especially when I suggested she spend a little less time on Facebook and do something constructive) so I basically backed off and waited for her to shake it off thinking that her dreary mood would lift over time. That was a mistake, because the space I was giving her was perceived by her as rejection, and just made her mood worse which pushed me away farther. This pattern continued throughout 2010 until it came to a head in October. She has a lot of anger and resentment toward me and feels that I had been rejecting her and she says that sometime around April 2010 she just decided to emotionally shut down to prevent getting hurt anymore. She started seing a therapist a few months ago and I think it is helping because she says she is less numb and is beginning to have feelings again. My wife says that she views me more as a roommate than a husband and she isn't sure if she can ever feel romantic about me again. She has invested considerable time on Facebook and has reconnected with many friends from her past. There is one or two guy friends that she speaks to on the phone for several hours per week and she has said that maybe she could be happier with them. I'm not sure if she has met with them in person, but she has a lot of free time, a large circle of friends, and is often out on the town with friends. It wouldn't surprise me if she was meeting up with other people while out. I know she indicates on her FB status where she will be and people can happen to stop by.
I just started reading DB and realized the crap (Mr. Nice Guy, pleading,asking where she is all the time, etc.) I have been doing for the last few months was wrong and I'm starting on my 180 and trying to make me happy.
Wish me luck
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Good luck:) and a suggestion. Keep your posts a bit briefer, so folks take the time to read and reply. What you are saying is so similiar to what many people report....people just drift thru a relationship and put so much energy into the kids and work and not the 'relationship'. There is so much that you can do differently to get the marriage back on track...but it is a process. Michele's coaches are fantastic and will assist you every step of the way. As soon as you hang up from the first session,you will have a different way of interacting with your wife. Give me a call and I would be happy to discuss with you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Hi Geo, so sorry for the sitch you are in. KarenR is right shorter posts or ones split into short segments are easier to follow. This is something I am struggling with.
Post often, participate in other forums. The volume of support and ideas here is awesome. It can be overwhelming at first.
180s, GAL are good place to start, make them for you and your improvement. Include the kids so she doesn’t perceive she is responsible for them while you play. When you are happier and more confident you will become more interesting.
Be welcoming and supportive, and give space.
Do not be needy, clingy, or pressuring. Do not snoop her FB, become more interesting than FB.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
