Keep... Moving ... Forward...

[Denver_2010]

Sorry Country! Yes, it did get lost. I meant to go back and answer that, but forgot. My bad.

Bottom line answer? Gut instinct.

But there were a few significant things that led me there.

1) On January 11th, FIL told me that he had heard from my W's mom that W didn't think that I cared about M and didn't think that I loved her... bc I was not pursuing or trying to get her back (her perception of course).

2) From January 14 through January 25th - I began to notice that my W was initiating more contact with me. Up to the 14th, there had been very, very little contact at all... and when there was, it was usually pretty emotionless and about SS only. But bw these dates, she began to contact me about stuff that she didn't really need to talk to me about. An app on our cell phones for example.

Significant conversations (non R talk) on January 19th and January 25th. Both initiated by W.

Also, the conversations started to become more friendly and W would say "talk to you later".

Right around January 20-22, I really got this sense that things bw she and OM were lightening up or dissolving. This one I can't explain. It was just a feeling. To this day, I still think that I am right about this time frame... and it goes along with how answered my question to her at dinner on February 10th "when did you start to realize that you still loved me?" Her answer, "A few weeks ago." Well, it was actually 19 days, give or take, before I asked. That's what I believe.

3) January 25th - FIL tells me again that he has heard that W doesn't think that I love her or that I care about the M bc I wasn't doing anything proactive. He says that he heard this from MIL and also, this time, SIL. He told me MIL said to him, "if Denver plays his cards right, he may be able to get W back"

4) January 26th - I was at my favorite coffee shop posting here at around 8 p.m. W and SS come in unexpectedly. W told me that SS saw me there as they were driving by and asked if they could stop. W and I had a very friendly conversation and I went out to her car to look at a couple of issues that she was having.

5) January 27 and 28 - Very friendly conversations with W.

6) January 29th - I took my first risk and asked W if she wanted to go with me to take SS to a movie and she accepted.

7) January 30th - Went to dinner and movie with SS and W. It was very friendly.

8) February 3rd - When dropping SS off to W I took another risk and asked her if she wanted to bring SS over and watch SB. W did not agree, but said she'd think about it.

9) February 5th - W told me in a text that she wasn't sure about watching the game with me bc we hadn't talked about "our situation". She asked me "I don't understand why you haven't initiated a talk or tried to fix things."

I think that it was at this point that I began to feel some confidence that things were turning in my favor.

10) February 6th - Despite telling me that she didn't feel comfortable coming to our house to watch the SB the night before, W texts me and invites me to her sister's to watch the game. We agreed to go to dinner on Thursday, Feb 10th.

And you are probably caught up with the rest.

As you can see, I have journaled my situation in pretty detailed fashion. LOL...

As I looked back in answering your question, it is really interesting to see how things have evolved. And it was much, much worse in November and December (which wasn't really relevant to your question).

I'd suggest that you journal like I did. It really helped me notice the small victories as they were happening.

Bottom line, is that it was a series of little things, like W's tone of voice, the frequency of her calls/texts to me, the reasons for those calls or texts... much more so that what my FIL told me on those two occasions. I was really reluctant to put too much stock in what he was saying bc it was 3rd person hearsay basically and I didn't know the context in which my W was saying it.

I also began to transition into more pursuing bc of what I know about my W. That she was insecure with how I felt about her. That she never really believed that I loved her. I knew that, at some point, I was going to have to pursue. Waiting for the right time was the most difficult thing.

Anyway, I hope that this answers your question.

BITS
Denver

[MsRae]

Denver,

IMHO, I think you are dead on. At some point, she NEEDS to hear that you love her, are attracted to her and that YOU want to work on this.

I think you have played this very well. You know her better than anyone and can sense that softening better than anyone. Bc that's what's happened here. Your hard work took a heart that had hardened against you and has become softer now.

Has she ever mentioned the needs she felt weren't being met in your M? You've probably posted this before, but I've slept since then. (:

Rae

[Denver_2010]

Has she ever mentioned the needs she felt weren't being met in your M? You've probably posted this before, but I've slept since then. (:

Rae

Thanks Rae!

Oh yes, plenty of times prior to her actually leaving and right after the bombs exploded in my face. So I have a pretty good idea of what got me here in the first place, and thus, what I need to turn that around.

BITS
Denver

[♪CS♪]

Thanks Denver, that helps.

[Denver_2010]

Update...

Talked with my W on and off all day. She told me to call her when I got home from the office. Gave her the call when I got home and changed. Asked her if she wanted to have a drink. She came over and had a drink with me. Then we decided to go to get some food. I took her to her fav place for buffalo wings and beer.

Ended up spending abuot 6 hours with W. For the most part it was great! I did take a beating for about an hour and a half when she began to talk R. She went on quite a bit about all of the things that I didn't give her emotionally during R/M and how I hurt her... made her feel badly about herself. It was tough to hear. I also heard more about OM in relation to this. Basically how he made her feel that she "wasn't so hard to love" That hurt the worst.

I listened, listened, listened and validated. Finally, however, I just had to tell her that she was repeatedly stabbing me in the heart. I said it in a joking and jovial way, but she said that she understood. I also told her though that I thought it was important that we talk about all of what she was saying.

She also told me that she is still very leery to trust my changes. She told me that I have told her that I would change so many times that she is unsure. That every time we would fight and she would confide in friends... then when we'd fix things, that she'd tell her friends that I had promised to change. She said that it's going to be somewhat embarrassing for her to tell her friends, yet again, that I have promised to change. Especially since she actually took the step of leaving me and moving out.

All I could do was listen some more and tell her that I understood.

She did tell me that the part of her that is believing my changes are real is coming from a change in the 'energy' she is feeling from me. She says that this is different.

I told her how excited I was to show her that my changes were real and how motivated I was to make her fall completely and utterly in love with me again. I looked her straight in the eyes when I said this. I saw that she got a bit emotional when I did this.

The rest of the night was spent talking and laughing about things. Overall, it was a really good night.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

Oh, and W told me out of the blue while we were having the painful part of the talk, after I jokingly told her that she was repeatedly stabbing me in the heart, that I'm 'way cuter than OM'. She said, 'does that help?'... I indicated that it did a wee bit...


And W brought up us going to counseling. She said that she thinks that I should be the one who initiates it. I told her about Retrou and a couple of other programs that I am interested in. We said we'd talk about that later.

BITS
Denver

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Way to go Denver!

Nicely done.

[lostinscared]

This is HUGE, Denver. This is AWESOME!

I am so happy for you!!! Retrou is a great program. I had a friend at work go through it AFTER papers were filed and things turned around almost immediately. He and his W just got back from a cruise and a really great time!!!

I am sooooooooooooooo happy for you! Did I already say that?

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[Denver_2010]

Thanks you guys!! I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm excited.

BTW, what the hell time is it in Tennessee and Alaska right now?!

I didn't expect anyone to be on right now.

BITS
Denver

[angel61]

Hey, we all are sleepless....

aren't we all just trying to think about how we can DB more, GAL more, 180 more, and also customize to our sitch? And you Denver, you lucky guy ....keep it up, you are doing well! Hey, your analytical side is helping you out a lot, atty!

Its 12:30 AM here in the West Coast.