Hello everyone, I stopped posting a while back about my situation thinking that I could get through to my WAW, boy what a mess up that was. To recap, Have been married 22 years with 5 children, my W told me last May she wanted a D. I did not find out about the OM until I saw texts on the phone bill. I have been out of the house for 9 months now. She is knee deep in this OM who I found out is 14 years younger than her. She just turned 50. I have read DR several times and I have not got it right. I am so frustrated that I can't prove to the W that this is wrong. I have been seeing a counsler for several months and taking AD. Almost everytime I see her , I get angry as hell. I have tried to tell her about what will happen if we do not get back together. We have lost our house to forclosure. And in doing that I have lost the ability to secure college loans for one of my daughters. My wife seems not to care, this is not the woman I married. I have been getting my issues resolved with my counsler, but it seems like the minute I see her the anger comes alive. I do not understand a person that will sacrafice all that she has worked for in her life by getting a divorce. I truly believe she is in MLC and the fog is thick. I have been trying to hangout with my three youngest daughters, but it seems like right now that only the 10 year old wants to be with me. My W told me that they love the OM and that they feel comfortable around him. This is the type of stuff that makes me angry. She also has moved them one hour away from me which just happens to be in another state. My L says we can fight it, but since we live in the country its an hour drive from anywhere so it really does not bother me. But the fact that the OM will stay there does. I am ready for some advice on here from the veterans. She has not brought up filing for D, or a separation agreement. I have downloaded all the forms for this divorce. By the end of the month all of our finances will be separate. One of my questions are, when she calls me about the washing machine do I go and fix it, when she calls me about the van do I go and fix it. I have been on this website for about 9 months. I want to do the right thing, but when these things are broken she does not have the money to fix them and that affects my girls. I so want my W back. I have been GAL but its hard as hell to not think about her. I know that she is not thinking clearly right now and I don't know if she ever will. I do know however that I will be ok which ever way this goes.. I am sorry for rambling but as most of you know, being on here helps, I have read alot and learned alot...I should have listened more... So give it to me please and maybe just maybe I can show this woman that I can get along with or without her.
Anger is a secondary feeling to a primary emotion.
Anger usually originates in a blow to one's self esteem in some way or to fear.
A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel angry. We always feel something else first before we get angry. We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, or pressured. If any of these feelings are intense enough, we think of the emotion as anger.
Anger is an intense emotion. It is evidence that we feel strongly about something. As with every emotion, it has a lesson for us. It can teach us what we value, what we need, what we lack, what we believe and what our insecurities are. It can help us become more aware of what we feel strongly about and which emotional needs are important to us. One way to learn from anger is shown in the example below:
Instead of saying,
She never should have done that. I can't believe how irresponsible, insensitive and inconsiderate she is. What a cold- hearted, evil witch she is.
a more productive response is:
I am really upset by this. Why does it bother me so much? What specifically am I feeling? What are my primary feelings? What need do I have that is not being met? What principles of mine have been violated?
From the answers to these questions, we can decide what course of action to take in view of what our goals are. Simply being aware that we have multiple options and that we can decide to pick the best one helps soothe the anger. It may help, for instance, to ask if we really want to frighten away the person we are angry at. As soon as we "upshift" and begin to think about our options and their consequences, and make appropriate plans, we start to feel more in control and less threatened. We get out of the automatic stimulus-response mode and realize that we have choices.
There is a quote which goes like this:
Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom. - Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
It may be helpful for us to try to widen this space during our lives. In fact this may be one sign of wisdom and maturity. It may also give us an increased sense of control over our feelings and reactions.
Simply remembering that we have a choice helps us feel more in control. It may be helpful, for example, to identify when you are feeling provoked. Once you figure this out you may feel more in control of your response. Not surprisingly, studies show that people feel better and are healthier when they have a sense of control over their lives. This is where the balance between upper brain and lower brain comes in. Part of developing our emotional intelligence is learning to channel our anger in productive ways to help us achieve our goals rather than to sabotage them. Keeping our goals clearly in mind at all times helps us accomplish this.
Here are some suggestions for responding to your anger:
1. Ask what you are afraid of. 2. Ask what feelings preceded the anger. 3. Ask what other feelings you are feeling. 4. Ask what you are trying to control. 5. Ask what you can control. 6. Consider your options. 7. Choose the one which will bring you the most long term happiness.
Finally, here is a technique to help cope with "anger" (if you haven't already "downshifted" to a purely reactive animal instinct state). When you catch myself starting to say "I feel angry" or "I am starting to get really pissed off," Isay instead, "I feel really energized." Then ask yourself how you want to channel my energy to its best use. It is a simple little technique, but sometimes it can make a big difference in how you feel and respond.
This is information on Anger management, it is similar in content to what I have used and use often to figure out what's going on inside of me. Hope this helps you too.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Thanks for the responses, I do get the anger thing and when I think its under control or gone something else pops up. I was really never this way. I don't know what triggers this when I come in contact with my W. She tells me after an argument over money for whatever that I have not changed one bit. Anyway I will try to keep a level head about myself and keep you all posted. Maybe like some one here the more you post, the better you act around the WAW. This is why I will be posting throughout the day every day...LOL
