Anyone out there that can give advice on dealing with all of the embarrassment that comes along with a spouses MLC? I see alot of advice on how to deal with the shock, hurt, anger etc but what about the embarrassment. My WAH only hinted that he may want a divorce to me a week ago and now he has a social networking page up, with his single status etc. We have mutual friends on the network and I am beyond humiliated and hurt. This erratic behaviour is what makes me question whether he is indeed in crisis mode. It is almost like he purposely tries to hurt me; alot of resentment and anger there. The old him is long gone. Please help me!
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
Very sorry to hear about your sitch - my W is in MLC mode for a year now so I know what you're going through. She started this "dance" in early 2010 and after moving into the other BR and saying she wanted to separate, I too had to deal with her acting out on FB. She changed her status to single, posted candid messages about what she was feeling, and hurt and embarrassed me terribly. I had friends and relatives clue me in as I chose to stay away. Long story short, I was able to get her back and reconcile after a couple months by using DB techniques (even though I hadn't even heard of Michelle and DBing at the time!!), but she gradually changed her mind again and moved out in early Oct.
As to his 'erratic behavior,' I think you'll hear from others that it's to be expected from someone in the throes of a MLC. It's almost as if an "alien" has inhabited his body somehow . . . . . he is not thinking in the manner you are used to and I'm SURE is not making rational decisions. A MLC is a very emotional time for those who go through it, and for those they hurt in the process. Best advice I can give is to read the Divorce Busting book and MOST OF ALL, read and put in place the "180 degree list," which you can find easily online (google it). An important item on that list is near the bottom, where it says "Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared." I urge you to keep that in mind. I'll pray for you, as I pray everyday for my own wife and family. Hang in there. marcusko
Hello Markk Thanks so much for responding to my post. Sorry to hear about your sitch. Question, did you ask your wife to move out eventually or did she move out on her own? A month after my husband moved into the livingroom I told him that if we were going to be "separated" that he had to move out b/c the living situation was getting awkward and unhealthy for me. Wondering now if this was the right thing to do.
My counselor did make me realize that a person who may be having an affair that they are trying to cover up can also display erratic behaviour so I wonder at times if it really is a crisis or an affair. My husband is only 27 but he does seem to exhibit many of the same behaviours of a person in a MLC. I agree that it does seem like an alien has stole his body. It breaks my heart everytime I see him because I murn the old him.
I just ordered the DB book and I have decided that I am going to give myself a year to hand around and will have to move on after that. I love him and want my marriage to work but I cannot hang around forever. Its so hard not to start believing the things that they say after hearing it over an over again.
Also how did you deal with the FB situation? Did you just try to ignore it? Social networking makes this whole experience even harder. I'll be praying for you and your family as well!
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
It's really easier to follow along if you stick to one thread ... so I'm answering here but going to post in your main thread as well ...
Crisis can happen at anytime, mid-life can really be a misnomer ... that being said, invest some time in the resource threads because only you can decide if your husband is in crisis or not. Be careful with setting arbitrary deadlines, you back yourself into a corner that way. DBing is NOT about sitting on your heiny waiting for your WAS to come to their senses. It's about refinding yourself, learning to live your life true to yourself and your core. DB is about communication and compassion and being yourself. DB is about learning to love without expectations.
This is time to work on you. The crazy antics are not yours, so why would you be embarrased by them?
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
MNIZ Your absolutely right. I think that filing for a D right now would be a reaction. I cannot honestly say that I am 100% done. I don't even WANT a separation, let alone a divorce and me filing right now would be acting out of anger and hopelessness. And even though he is saying that he wants a D, I think that me filing would make him very upset; sort of like, "i knew she didn't really care about this marriage." However, if he files, I will not fight him on it or give him a hard time.
PEI thanks so much for your response. How do I know that I am not just concluding that he is in crisis mode so that I have an excuse to stay. If I admitted that he was just being a selfish a**hole then I wouldn't have an reason to stay. I have been trying to GAL. Some days its easier than others. Its difficult for me battling both this situation and depression. I try to focus on my academics but its so hard to concentrate at times. I have started working out again, trying to eat healthier. Ive been hanging out with friends and fam and more importantly I just started allowing them to support me. (I am very private and withdrawn usually). Getting a job would also help a great deal but its a bit rough out there right now. Ive had little luck.
I believe that me being out of work for the last year has put a significant strain on my marriage. This is the first time that my husband has been 100% responsible for all of the bills since weve been married and I don't think he handled it well. I'm hoping to find a job soon but I haven't been as proactive as I normally would have been.
You said the most important thing; loving without expectations. Everyday I keep telling myself that I can not expect anything from him; absolutely nothing. It's hard, but I am getting better at it.
And your so right, he will have to deal with the aftershocks of his antics. So embarrassed for him though.
TEENA How do I know that I am not just concluding that he is in crisis mode so that I have an excuse to stay. If I admitted that he was just being a selfish a**hole then I wouldn't have an reason to stay.
If he is a hole, would you walk away without trying to save your M?
Hi Teena, Sorry it took me so long to respond. Answer to your question - No, I didn't ask her to move out. When she started talking about her desire that we separate I told her in no uncertain terms that NO WAY was I moving away from my children, my home, my dog, my neighbors, everything I loved and had worked for. If she was so intent then it was on HER to do it, and to deal with telling our daughters. So that's what she did and it's been a mess ever since. She can't afford it and is causing big $$$ problems for us both, has devastated our girls, bewildered her family and all our friends, and caused continual pain and confusion. But that's what a WAS in a MLC will do . . . . it has nothing to do with being rational. She is acting purely on emotion. It is up to me to be the rational, clear-thinking adult while she goes thru this process. It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.
As to FB, I have pretty much bowed out of that scene . . . . I don't go on the site anymore because she LIVES there now and it is too painful to see her posting about her life all the time. Last year she was really reckless - posting very personal stuff and making many people upset, but she seems to have gotten the message about that, finally. I don't know about your H, but with my W it seems to fill some sort of need for acceptance or affirmation of her crazy behavior. So I put up with it and say little, and pray a lot.
No one should ever have to go through this horror! I told my husband that he had to leave because it was becoming too awkward. Though I needed to set boundaries for myself (because I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too), right now I feel like I would do anything to have him home. Question, has your wife mentioned a D? Some days my husband says D others he says that he wants a separation right now. I have been sooo patient but I don't know how much longer I can hang in there. My husband seems to be "spinning his story very well" No one seems to think that he is being sporatic. Maybe I'm the one who is having a hard time seeing that he simply just doesnt want me anymore.
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
I agree with PEI. Now is the time for you to think about YOU and look at yourself, decide what kind of person you want to be. Make those changes.
I know in retrospect the importance of detaching. It would have been disastrous if I had pushed anything. I had to let H's A run its course. It wasn't until recently that I became resentful of his cake eating. We are now in a safe enough place (9 months out) that we are able to talk about it calmly. Some good healing for me has begun. So it does happen. I couldn't believe it when I was where you are now. We all know you are in a very painful place.
You mentioned that you are not working and that has been a stress and resentment for your H. Have you thought about getting a job, even a fun one to get you out, occupy your time...etc? That may be a 180 for you.
It's a loooooong process should you decide to stand for your M. This is not for sissies.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
