Me: 46 She: 41 Married: 6 months Together: 4 years Bomb dropped on me: 3 months ago.
She says we don't have the kind of passion or chemistry we desire, she has paid $250 to download a divorce kit online, said her next step is to get the documents notarized and than present them to me.
Extended-disco version remix at this link, but I have learned a lot lately and for me this nerw thread is where the action is.
How could I expect my wife and I to keep our vows and promises to each other, when I had not even set any vows or standards for myself.
What must I now do, to not only set, but also keep some new vows for myself, and hold a higher standard for myself?
After all, that is what my WAW is showing that she is totally committed to doing for herself?
Mike's first 3 vows: (I am repeating these vows and "stacking anchors" every morning. Will explain what that means in a moment, because for me it's really helping.)
1. I am an outstanding Husband, Father, Friend, Lover and Partner.
2. I take extremely good care of my mind and body.
3. I am financially responsible.
Each morning, I not only repeat my vows, I look for evidence and continue stacking the positive feelings on top of each other. For example, I say:
I am an outstanding Husband. "How do I know I am an outstanding husband?" Then I answer it with whatever evidence I come up with. "And how does that make me feel?" I ask. Which gets me feeling even better. It puts me in control.
If I ask a question that I cannot find a positive vibe or feeling for, then I ask, what COULD I do feel that way today?
For example, right now I really don't feel like I am financially responsible, because there is too many things that I am still avoiding.
So I pick one little thing and I focus on the positive aspects of that, I am gentle with myself while continuing to move forward and improve.
I started doing this after speaking with my DB coach. Chuck said I needed to get a life and stop filtering everything though what I think my wife would think.
He said I needed to find something that puts a bounce in my step, because right now my WAW has two beleiefs driving her behavior.
1) She believes she knows me. 2) She believes I cannot change.
Because she thinks she knows, because she thinks I cannot change, and because she knows she is unhappy, the only solution she can see right now is to leave.
The fact is she is trapped. She is not free to see any other point of view. Other than leaving, she cannot (yet) consider any other way of getting her need fulfilled. He only truth right now is that she can't get there with me.
These are some of her beliefs that I must consistently dispel until the job is done.
To begin, I must adopt even stronger beliefs within myself.
It has been 3 days since "Beckie the WAW" and I have spoken. This is out of the ordinary for us. In the past, we have both initiated daily conversations.
The last conversation we had was a 5 hour texting marathon, that she began. Although I feel the conversation we had went well, in the past couple of days I expect she has been to get the divorce papers notarized, and will be presenting them to me this week.
2 things on my mind and in my body at the moment:
1. Knowing she's in pain, I feel good about sending her a brief email this morning. I wanted to let her know I care, to resume conversation, and without being to pushy or invasive, to get some idea of where she's at. One word in the subject line: "Hey." Three words in the email. "Are you okay?"
2. In order to rise and remain above the drama, to be the best that I can be for me, I must remember to always distinguish between what I want and what I really need. What I want (in the future) is a healthy, happy marriage. What I need (right now) is to take even better care of myself, to live well, and to be truly happy within myself.
I need to respect myself, and behave in ways that are consistent with the new ways I am choosing to define myself.
The last time we spoke, I began to explain the differences between wants and needs to Beckie. I think it helped, but as she keeps on saying, only time will tell.
Here's how the conversation started...
Beckie: How r u doing
Mike: Doin’ well. How bout you?
Beckie: I’m OK just saw your facebook profile – letting go, huh? Beard & all. Glad to hear. Just feel bad about us and all we’ve been through and are going through now.
Mike: I’m sad that you’re feeling bad, but you’ve got to do what makes you happy. We can’t have you unhappy.
Beckie: I know this – that’s why I’m doing this, but it doesn’t take away the pain and sadness of our decisions.
Mike: Well, no matter what you decide, I will always be your friend. You can count on that.
Beckie: Me too! I filled out papers last night on line; spent $250 and have felt pretty melancholy all day. Didn’t sleep well and just wish life just wasn’t so damn hard
Mike Well, hopefully, doing this will give you what you need
Beckie: Like I said, only time will tell
At this point there was just some idle banter and then I asked...
Mike: Beckie, may I ask how certain you are that this decision will bring you happiness?
Beckie: Like I said, time and time again, I will not truly know until I’ve completed this and only time will tell. I just feel this is my heart right now – nudging me to follow through and stop being wishy/washy! Of course, it’s scary as hell, but that’s my feelings now and has been in the past, too. I just ignored it.
Mike: Yes, I do hear you and my heart totally goes out to you. I know that you want certainty and confidence in yourself and your decisions as well as many other things. I’m sad you feel this is the only way you can get the certainty you desire, especially since I believe there are other ways for you to go about getting what you need
Beckie: I’m sorry, too – I wish we felt we were meant for each other. It would make my life right now so much easier.
When she said that I really had to dig deep and not react. Did a pretty good job of staying neutral, then began to remind her of my view on the differences between wants and needs....
Mike: As we have talked about before, figuring out what we want is relatively easy. We just ask ourselves what would I like to have. But to figure out what we really need we must ask ourselves what would I like to have done. So my question for you is, if you were to look back on this at some point in the future, what would you like to have done.
Beckie: Listened to my heart from the beginning.
Mike: From the beginning of what?
Beckie: So when heart gut God was telling you weren’t the person for me, I didn’t listen because you have such awesome qualities, I was worried about not finding your qualities in someone else and the love, lust chemistry, sexual desire, intimacy I also needed that you weren’t giving me.
Mike: So you weren’t really listening to your heart from the beginning and now you’re looking for a whole new beginning?
Beckie: Not really a whole new beginning, just a more "true to myself" beginning
After that we went on texting for several hours, then we talked even more about pleasant little nothings on the phone, while she was driving home from work.
There is always a danger or repeating my old pattern of trying to force things to happen or go my way, so I have given her some space, I have shown my concern, now I will just have to wait and see what she does next.
The next goal I have for our relationship is to to get her back to the table for another DB coaching session. We've had one so far, prior to her going ahead and buying her divorce kit.
I think my approach will be something along the lines of suggesting she gets some more unbiased perspective and support, while acknowledging that my views are heavily biased and may not really help.
I have realized that I am not the one to coach her through this critical time in her life.
All I can do for her right now is be an outstanding husband for as long as we're still married, and than an outstanding friend and lover when we are not.
Oh yes. There is no doubt in my mind that one day in the future I will be making passionate love to her again.
Cheers.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
When I sent her an email yesterday, asking if she was okay, she wrote back and said "Yeah, why??"
I wrote back and said "Because I care, Silly Rabbit." (Silly Rabbit? Who is this strange new person speaking?)
She responded with half a dozen lines telling me about her day, so then I took another small forward...
Me: Is it out of line or disrespectful to tell you how I am feeling right now? Maybe I don't know. But I'm gonna tell you anyway.
Beckie: Sure. Go for it.
I then wrote the most loving, passionate, erotic, seductive, words that I could think of, even though she had said last week she didn't want to hear and kind of sexual talk right now.
Was a bit of a risk. But I got a "Wow" sent back to me in response.
Small victories.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
The thing I must remember is that her beliefs are driving her behavior.
As long as she believes she knows me, that I will never change, and that I cannot ever give her the kind of chemistry, lust and passion that she believes will make her happy, then she is compelled to leave.
And until her needs are met, they will continue driving her behavior, so the only option she can see right now, is to start looking for happiness elsewhere.
Our situation is complicated by the fact she is the one keeping me away - so right now I don't have a lot of options in showing her physical passion.
After we got married, we did not complete the immigration process before I came back to Canada for Christmas, and now I cannot come back into the states, or go back home to Colorado until she does.
So I am learning to let go, and at the same I am feeling like those confident divers in James Cameron's new movie "Sanctum".
"I have control."
I am giving her the time and space she wants to do whatever it is she needs, while doing my best to manage my own thaoughts, feelings and behavior in ways that truly serve me.
Hey! Ho! Let's go!
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
You sitch mirrors mine very closely. You seem to have the right state of mind and i like your approach very much. I am going to keep up with your progress because I think I can learn a lot from it.
You might know or might not but W and I are seperated by 1500 miles and we have long conversations also, but as she points out on occassions "we are just talking"
1. How might I respond to receiving nothing more than a short text like "Happy Valentine's Day" from her.
2. What, if anything should I say about "The 12 Days of Valentine's" promises that I sent to her, prior to her buying her divorce kit.
3. How and when might I bring up the topic of getting her back to the coaching table. (My next goal for our relationship)
4. How and when might I bring up the topic of completing the immigration process, as there is information she is unaware of that will affect both of us in the future.
These are questions that I have a pretty good feeling I already know the answers to.
On my walk this morning (minus 30 degrees outside!), I was thinking about this opportunity to give my wife whatever it is she needs, as I have so often failed to do for her in the past.
Right now I feel she needs time, space, confidence in herself and her ability to make good decisions, and she needs healthy support from myself and other people.
She DOES NOT need any pressure from me whatsoever! NADA! ZERO! ZILCH!
So today I will discuss and reinforce this new awareness, while diligently doing the things I need to do for me to GAL and feel even better about myself.
Enjoy your day!
Mike
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
He not only helped me reinforce that my WAW does not want or need any pressure from me, he also helped me expand my limited view of passion.
I had not thought of passion in terms of emotional intimacy, or in terms of being there for my wife through her feelings of loss, confusion, grief...
I was only thinking of solving her problems and making her toes curl.
This was comforting to me because I know how strong our bond of friendship is, how patient and understanding she feels I am, and how much deeper our connection is than simply sex.
Yes. I must accept that for now it is true that sexually, another man may rock her world more than I can at the moment, but she and I both know that no other man in the world knows her and understands her more than I. Nobody can ever give her a greater sense of intimacy and connection than me, especially when I am at my best.
My coach recommended I focus on empathy and really being there in full listening and compassion mode, rather than trying to make things happen.
The said "The goal of not chasing them is to give them an opportunity to stop running."
And maybe in my case, to let them know that they are safe.
One thing I noticed that I did really well with Beckie this week was not chasing her, not initiating, and showing her the new side of me that is simply being present and aware. Actively listening without trying to take control.
Acknowledging how she is feeling without trying to solve or fix or change anything, or argue and spin the words for my own motives or intent.
Just. Listen.
The emotional bond an connection, those genuine feelings of intimacy, caring, connection - they are core qualities. They are part of what she was first attracted to me in the beginning, and I believe those feelings can only be stronger now.
Focusing on these greater truths within myself has has gone a long way towards helping me overcome my fears and insecurities.
peace,
Mike
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
