Just a question here - what does your W want ? - what are her
hopes dreams fears
do you know - does she know ?
Firstlove coming in with the million dollar question.
I thought I had an idea of this after our first few years of marriage. In the last year, those ideas have been shattered.
I guess, because of the current situation, I would have a hard time even writing them out right now.
There was a time when her relationship with me and the idea of starting a family was at the top of her list. I think back to those little surveys that get passed around and remember reading her answers. Her "perfect job" was to be a stay at home Mom. Your question had me thinking what my W has always felt, not necessarily how I portrayed her or asked her. I checked a social website where she wrote her descriptions. Here was the beginning.
"I mostly love simple things: Being anywhere with my husband Our crazy loving supportive families ..."
So if I were to say what were my wife's goals and aspirations last year, I would have said to have a loving family, have as much fun as possible, travel, play and listen to music, etc.
Last year, she began talking to a friend about seizing the day and finding true happiness by busting out of her box. I supported these fun adventures. They were innocent, though.
Maybe it was in finding this true happiness, that led her to an emotional and then physical attachment to a woman.
How did the hopes and dreams of hers sway that radically? I can tell you with honesty, that I am not a perfect husband, but others would describe me as a very loving and solid guy.
So.......
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Sparks - have you done a bucket list, like the movie? That was one thing that helped me GAL and it came up in convo with H. He was really surprised with some of the things I wanted to do. Plus, I've been crossing stuff off. Also, since we're all getting emotionally hammered, take the time to list out what you have done already (sky diving, visited X country, ate sushi, met Oprah?)! Give yourself credit for your own awesomeness.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Sparks - have you done a bucket list, like the movie? That was one thing that helped me GAL and it came up in convo with H. He was really surprised with some of the things I wanted to do. Plus, I've been crossing stuff off. Also, since we're all getting emotionally hammered, take the time to list out what you have done already (sky diving, visited X country, ate sushi, met Oprah?)! Give yourself credit for your own awesomeness.
Thanks, AMJ. I have a bucket list in the back of my head that has been brewing for sometime. I know my wife has hers as well. This is especially true before she got pregnant.
My wife and I have had a blast since we met, and we have enjoyed every second. I can honestly say that I have opened her eyes to more than she has ever seen. Sometimes I proceed with caution, because some of the experiences I found early as a wild child, she found late as a wild adult. For example, I smoked a ton of pot in high school. She did after we began dating and through our marriage. Just different time periods but no judgements on my side. Times have still been exciting, though. Whether it was my proposal on the top of the Rockefeller Center in NYC to swimming with the sharks in Tahiti during our honeymoon and 30th birthday (yes, we were born on the same day).
I will say that my wife becoming pregnant for the first really halted this excitement in our lives. All of a sudden, she couldn't sky dive for the first time. We didn't have enough money to really travel the ends of the earth. I thought I did well by planning a "baby moon" to Jamaica when she was seven months pregnant. I thought we had a great time. I would later find through email that she was enjoying the vacation but missing and emailing the OW the entire trip.
I need to write down my bucket list to paper and ask my wife to write out hers. I would then love to ask her at some point when we can attack them together.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Its good to focus on the good things and be thankful for them. One of the good things you have going in your sitch is that your wife will actually talk to you - and communication is at the very foundation of any good relationship, especially one that is on the road to healing and reconciliation.
My wife simply refuses to talk about the affair she had or on us building a new relationship - she simply refuses to talk. She will talk to her other friends about it but refuses to talk to me - pretty hard road to reconcile with someone who will not talk to you. I don't envy your sitch - but at least you two are talking -that is something I do not have in mine.
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
Thanks, firstlove. We are talking. In fact, we are actually very civil and act as friends would. We have had no arguments. No raised voices. Our focus is on our son, but I do feel sometimes that her desires to put co-parenting in front of our rebuilding as a couple are disheartening.
Our couples therapist has requested that we only talk about our relationship in the safety of her office for the time being. That is difficult when the wife wants to spend the first 15 minutes discussing the baby's schedule (which we have been proven can be done very well between us at home). That gives me just 45 minutes a week to really talk about us and our future. On top of that, the first few sessions have been more about strong reactions to the events of the past month. I would expect that, but I cannot wait for the time where we can REALLY communicate. All I want to do is actively listen to her and the things going through her mind. She is just not there yet. I remain patient.
I am sorry to hear that there simply is a large wall in front of your wife right now. Keep up the DBing and take note of the small victories. That is something that I have been paying attention to lately and has really helped me.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Therapy went well last night. I told my therapist that I think I am ready for a little more feedback in our sessions. The first several have been me telling a story for 98% of the time. I have come to a place inside myself where I am ready to vent and panic less and listen more. He understood that, and he agreed that we should start two way conversations more. Cool.
As far as the prep for couples therapy tonight. He mentioned that if the wife wants to move out and has a new job, it would be a good idea to split accounts for now. He said that I should present this but not the splitting of the cell phone and insurance quit yet. He said a little at a time. Throwing it all on her right now could send her in a panic.
I don't want my wife to come back and live at home because she can't afford to live on her own. I want to give her the opportunity to see what it's like for her to live on her own, and come back, because she truly wants to. I think the cell phone and insurance is just enough to really make it impossible for her.
Still trying to detach. Just a bit hard when you have a baby boy going back and forth. There are is lots of communication going back and forth about him. I have, although, stopped the texts and calls to check in. Also stopped doing the little favors for her. I am working on it.
Need to also work on my confidence and keeping my emotions in check. There have been a few times in the last few weeks where I have broken down in front of my wife. The last was after our last therapy when she mentioned getting her own place. I need to stop this. As mentioned on here before, crying is not an action that shows self-confidence and strength. I have always considered my self an emotional person, but I have never been the sobbing kind. How can I prevent this?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I could use a little help with my couples therapy prep. All ideas welcome.
Of course my W will want to start with co-parenting, so she will ask for help with new day care costs. I will tell her that I will of course pay for half of daycare. I will then bring up the separate accounts now that she has a new job. This may cause problems, but it needs to happen.
Since the fact that she is going to be looking for a place to live came up at the end of therapy last week, that will be readdressed. That mention caused me to break down a bit in front of her and on the way home, but I told her that I would be patient and support her decision.
I have been thinking a lot about it today. Going back to last Spring in couples therapy, there was talk of my W feeling trapped and almost codependent. Therapist mentioned that we do more things for ourselves to bring each other closer. I was very supportive of this. (Long before I knew of affair.) This is what caused me to tell my W at the time to spend more time with OW. In the Fall with the newborn baby and thoughts of postpartum depression, I actually supported her to spend the night with OW. I didn't want her trapped. When my W dropped the bomb in December and said she just needed some space for awhile, I supported her choice to stay with OW for days at a time with our boy. I thought that she just needed to figure her self out.
So now.... wife is not ready to come back home and wants space. I have to tell her that I will support that decision, let her live on her own, and step back. Detach.
At any point in tonight's session can I bring up the fact that it is hard for me to do since she has burned me numerous times with the same exact thing in the last year? I imagine I detach myself from that past and avoid it. I guess she will do what she eventually will want to do. That is a hard pill to swallow when you have been giving space and keep getting burned.
Ideas?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
sparks...if you were not supportive in her needs thoughout the last year, do you think the outcome would have been different
i think not
i think she would have just been resentful
i think your wife is going through something that may take awhile to sort out
i also think if you give her the space she is going to come back....
we have to let them be and let them miss us
and if they don't, we are probably better off
one thing i have realized of late, if that i don't want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't want me i'm a true prize and so are you
Thanks grr! I needed this reassurance. As hard as it is for me to allow my wife to find her own place right now while she figures herself out, the thoughts of being burned so badly are hard to go away. Combine the past with the fear of the unknown future, and you get a very conflicted H. You are right, though. I just need to continue to be patience with her.
Now if I can do all of this with self confidence (and no tears), I will be in much better shape. Lighthouse. Think lighthouse!
Thanks again, Grr. You are a true prize.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
