just so sad

[abbey1989]

Hi,
Don't know where to start. My H and I have been married for going on 22 years. 2 years ago I suspected my H had been having affair with a client of ours. She actually divorced her husband around the same time. Things really did get better once I decided not to focus on what I "thought" was going on with them and instead focused on getting my body and mind in a healthy place. During this time we sent our eldest child off to college and have been preparing our second to leave the nest this coming fall. I also returned to the workforce (still also help with our family business) and I have returned to college to finish my college degree.

H leaves every Saturday a.m. to go bike riding "alone", motorcycle riding "alone", hiking "alone" and the gym "alone". Wanting to trust...it was all I could do not to ask where are you going and where have you been.

Thinking that all of this was behind me, I received a few calls on my cell phone last Thursday from a number I didn't recognize. I was busy at work at the time and finally answered, and it was H on the phone but he was surprised to hear MY voice. He had actually just called me prior from his real cell phone to check in. He ended up hanging up on me from this "mysterious cell phone". I immediately called him back and he didn't answer. Called again...didn't answer. Then he finally called me back from his real cell phone and said he was having trouble with his cell phone and had to borrow someone's phone on the job to talk to me. I literally had just talked to him from his other phone line. That got me thinking and it wwas hard to finish out my day at work. I have long suspected he has had a "secret" cell phone. The kicker is that I didn't check my voicemails until Monday morning. He left a message for his girlfriend by accident on my cell phone. It went something like this...."Hey Babe, I am here at ___ college and parked near the cafeteria." I found this interesting and hurtful because he told me that he was at the jobsite when placing that call to me, then come to find out he was in the parking lot where the girlfriend that I have suspected all along works. Not to mention the school that I now attend! He knows I am upset, but I don't want to actually accuse because that will do no good.

The crazy side of me wantts to hire an investigator to take photos, but then I think...well then what? I know I can't control him or anyone but it just hurts. Thanks for listening.

[abbey1989]

Hi,
My H and I have been married for almost 22 years. We have a 20 year old son in college and a daughter who will be graduating high school in June. We own our own business. I recently returned to the workforce and still help manage our family business. I also returned to college to finish up my degree. Two years ago, I suspected H of having affair with a client of ours. She actually ended up divorcing her H around that time. All the clues were there, but he denied anything was going on and when I sort of backed him into a corner about whether or not he wanted to be married to me, he said yes, but his issue is that I never initiate sex and that I don't trust him. I do feel I have reason not to trust but he won't admit it. I confronted him about this on 2/15/2009. The day after Valentine's day. The day that I found a blank card with the first letter of the girlfriend's name on the envelope. It didn't help that I snooped through his car to find it. During that time, they were talking frequently on the cell phone (checked the bill), but then that stopped.

I still had my suspicions because H was gone every Saturday from 6 or 7am until 2pm or so. He said he was riding his bike, or his motorcycle, or going to the gym, or taking a hike (all of this alone of course). He was never available by cell phone during these outings. I have become accustomed to his schedule now. I actually started to believe that "maybe" this was all in my head until this past Thursday. That is the day when a received a few phone calls on my cell phone from a number I didn't recognize.

When I finally answered one of the calls, it was H and he sounded like he didn't expect me to be on the line. I got the definite feeling he thought he was calling someone else. He hung up the phone and then I called back on that number a few times and he didn't answer. I think he was trying to think quick about what his story should be. So he called me a few minutes later from his "real" cell phone and said that he was having phone troubles and needed to borrow one of his worker's phones to call me. I thought it sounded fishy...and again I just wanted to believe he was telling the truth. I never checked my voicemail over the wekend, but did just as I was headed to work on Monday. He had actually left a message for his girlffriend on my phone. It went like this:
"hey babe, I am here at ___college in the parking lot by the cafeteria" This i troubling for two reasons. 1) he told me when he called from that number that he was still at the jobsite and borrowed a phone, and 2) The suspected girlfriend works at this college. Also happens to be where I am going to school. So I asked him about this strange voicemail and at first he said he didn't know what it was, and he often calls a person thinking he is calling another. Then after hemming and hawing, he said he was there that day to meet with an architect. Good story but it doesn't jive with the one he told me on Thursday. Needless to say, I have been so distraught, I can't eat, can't sleep. What should I do? I do love him, and our marriage means so much to me but the lying is killing me. He was very attentive and sweet to me on Monday. He knows he has hurt me but won't admit it anything. And I think if he has been dating this other woman for 2years now, it must be pretty serious. So where do I fit in? Up until about a month ago or so, we were intimate around 3 time per week. Lately maybe once a week. And it is not ML. I feel more like a receptacle. I'm just so sad and feel like I'm living a lie. I am your typical "nice person". Hate to make waves. You know the type. So here I am....

[abbey1989]

Hi,
We've been married 22 years with two nearly grown children. We run a business together. I also recently re-entered the workforce and have gone back to school to finish my degree.

I have had suspicions over the last 2 year that H has been having an affair with a former client. She as divorced about that time.

Last Thursday, H accidentally called me from a number that I didn't recognize. He called numerous times before I answered and then was obviously taken aback that it was ME that answered (he had just previously called me on his regular cell phone). He hung up...and I called him back on that number a few times and he didn't answer. Trying to get his story straight I imagine. He finally called a few minutes later from his real cell phone. He said he was having issues with his phone and had to borrow one of his worker's phones to call me. OK...whatever. I wanted to believe that story but something told me he was lying. I didn't check my voicemail all weekend, but Monday morning I was very surprised to find out that he had left a message for who I believe is the OW...ON MY CELL PHONE. Nothing graphic, but hurtful. He said "Hey Babe (he never calls me that) I'm here at the college parked near the cafeteria. " So I guess he didn't really borrow someone's phone from the jobsite if he was at the college. I asked him about it and he just said that he was there to meet an architect. I know he was there to see OW who works there. He asked well did I leave that message the day you were at school? (I go to the SAME school where she works). No it wasn't the same day.

I am so tired, hurt and sad. Then I cry and can't sleep or eat. Why would he do this to us? Why would he lie about it? Why can't he come clean?

I believe they have been dating for at least 2 years, so it must be serious. Where does that leave me? We never fight, we have a nice life. I am so sad and mad I could scream. But I don't want to seriously confront for fear it will end. I am wondering if he is just waiting until my daughter graduates from HS to make a move? I don't know. Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks....

[dbmod]

^

[BeingMe]

Hi Abbey .... here's my answer from your post on Angels thread - hope it helps:

To answer Abbey1989:

Start your own thread on Newcomers (you will find you will get a lot of responses there), so we can answer your issues directly. In the meantime, I don't think confrontation is a good idea right now, but I would consider making sure your financial house is in order, get to know your know your rights in the case of separation or divorce (I know, ugly words, but if what you say is true, you may have to face them, if not go through them), have a separate bank account. These things will help you take back your power if your H decides to leave for the OW. Often, they are just waiting for the last child to graduate high school or college. So, be prepared, but be silent. He will also try and blame you ... which is not true ...no marital problem is solved through one person cheating on the other. If he is that unhappy, he would leave.

GAL (get a life)... go places, start a new hobby, go to the gym, go out with friends, etc. Whatever you enjoy doing.

Ultimately, you have to decide for youself, but make sure you are in a strong place before you make a move. Be certain that you are strong enough to repudiate any blame he may place on you. Sometimes we LBS take on all the faults of the M.

Take care, and hope to see you in Newcomers.

[BeingMe]

Oh, and don't beg and plead and cry. If he is having an A ... he will just use this as an excuse as to why he is having that A. Not logical, I know, but these WAS's have a way of twisting history, blaming you, denying, lying. You have to make very sure of what is going on before you actually confront. There must be no denying the truth. When/if you eventually confront with the proof, he will still deny, or just blame you, or even the OW.

[BeingMe]

But I don't want to seriously confront for fear it will end.

Do nothing out of fear, and definitely not because it might end. You cannot control what he will do. You can only control what you can do. If he is cheating and for that long, then he is used to the lie. You have just "found out" so it is new to you.

I know you love him ... this is hard. Believe me, I went through the crying, the not eating, the feeling of helplessness, and despairing over the break of our family, the feelings of failure ... omigosh, I know ... we, on the bb all know to one extent of another. You are in good company, yet I bet we all wish you didn't have to be here.

[abbey1989]

Thank you Being Me!
And so sorry my long story was posted 3 times. I was obviouly anxious because it wasn't posted right away. Thought I was having computer probs.

I know what you are saying about H possibly waiting until D graduates from HS or goes off to college in the fall. It has definitely crossed my mind. In fact, H and D just flew out early this morning to check out a couple of colleges and they won't be back until Saturday.

Last night we ML. It was nice. When they were leaving for the airport this morning I told him I loved him and gave him a hug. He hugged me back and said he loves me. Then he hugged me again, looked me in the eyes and said I love you. Not words often spoken by him, and it did make me feel good.

Regarding getting my house in order, I do already have a separate bank account that I use for managing S's college expenses so that is done. I manage all of our business and personal expenses so am up on where we are.

Can anyone tell me why would OW go after a married man? I honestly think it is shameless (and obviously he's not without fault!) My H had always worn his wedding ring up until about 2 years ago. He hasn't worn it since and says it is now too tight. I don't think that is the reason. I take my wedding vows very seriously. I have supported H through thick and thin. In good times and bad times. I have never once thought about having an A outside of our marriage. I am a "fixer". But I don't know how to fix this. Has anyone hired a PI before? I feel slimy even thinking about it.

Thanks for listening...

[abbey1989]

Two years ago I came to this site and and read the DR book. I credit it for getting me through the last two years. I actually thought I was one of the success stories. Oh well...

I don't get why any OW would hang around in the wings when the H is married. Maybe he has promised her something? It is so odd because we have been making vacation plans and have even talked about traveling. We are planting a garden.

Maybe she is just a booty call. It may sound wierd, but I think I can handle that more than an EA. That is what really gets me. That someone else is getting emotional attention from my H.

I wonder if he just stays with me because of our kids? I know my son will never forgive him if hew knew.

Can I just say.....I have never ONCE, not ONCE, in 22 years refused sex. When I got married, my mother gave me some advice and said that to have a happy marriage, always make your husband feel loved and never deny him. Maybe men are just a different species? Or maybe just my man. I don't know.

Thanks for listening. I am so alone today.

[BeingMe]

We have all felt these feelings before, I am sure ... loneliness, wondering why there are those who feel nothing about being with a married person. It just sickens me.

It's up to you, of course, if you hire a PI. Depends on how much you want to know for sure. My H wasn't having a PA so all my proof came from the computer. You do know he has a secret phone, and that alone brings his fidelity into question.

I bet it was nice to have your H look you in the eye and tell you he loves you. Mine never really has done that ... usually over the phone, or as he's leaving on a trip.

It sounds like you are set if a bomb drops. There is a poster here that believes in bringing an A to the light. Sometimes, it's the sneaking around that makes it exciting, but once it is known by friends and family, then the fun is over.

So difficutl to know what to do. When I discovered my H's EA, I had all the proof I needed. Yours is a little iffy.

Take care.