Really hard time.... III

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Old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2122501&page=all

OK! Made the call: )

Managed to stay completely put together eventhough the majority of the conversation was about the details of the divorce. I'm not as good as twostep at the play by play but some hilights...

She was friendly throuought and the conversation flowed well. She is still clearly looking towards the divorce as being some closure for her..

She told me that I had some info from the IRS about a business that I closed down in 2008 and I vented about my accountant having not taken care of that for me yet.
One of her big problems with me was the fact that I haven't paid taxes on my poker earnings but the only reason that I haven't was as per my accountants advice. I tried to set all that up when I started playing but he told me that to file without them issuing a 1099 would be throwing money away + asking for an audit. I WANTED to file but took his advice so I got the opportunity to reiterate that fact to my wife tonight.

At the end of the call I went to end it (by mentioning that I was going to feed my nephew while my sister took a shower... bonus that wife,s love language is acts of service lol) but she kept me on the phone by trying to think of what else she wanted to tell me. Conversation continued and at one point she said "OK well I should get off of here" but I talked past that And kept her on for a few more minutes so that I could be the one to end it. Which I did shortly: )

Thanks to all the bits out there present, former, male and female who have given me the tools to understand what is going on and how I should cope with it. Wish me luck, my DBing has just begun!

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so, now I should just wait I guess?

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bond? bits? review please

[MrBond]

Overall you did well in terms of calling her. Now the hard part.

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE D.

When you called her, you should have just talked to her to see how SHE was doing. If she wants to talk about the D, then either tell her, that you just wanted to have a good time and talk to her or get the D talk out of the way and then go back to it being friendly.

You want her to not concentrate on the negative. When you first met her, you would talk to her about her likes, dislikes, what she did, etc. You have to get back to that place again.

So stop talking to her about the D and stop agreeing or going along with her when it comes to it. You can validate the fact that she "feels" she needs to do this, but re-enforce the fact that you don't see it that way.

You've got to show her you're still in it.

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Well we started talking about the bills and stuff that need to be separated. We didn't talk about the divorce that much thinking back about it but that's what it felt like to me. We talked for quite a while about other stuff and I talked about how at first I was really enjoying Houston but then I started missing home. I said that the sheer amount of opportunity down there makes it hard not to consider it. She said I should just keep looking And see what happens. I'm trying not to read anything into that but she could have easily encouraged me to give Houston a chance. I want to think that she prefers I stay close.

Talking about the divorce wont be an issue soon because it will be final in a matter of days.

[MrBond]

Did you talk about HER? That's the key you want her to start telling you about her and re-establish the friendship.

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I tried but she is really guarded. If I ask her how she is doing she pretty much just says "good" but I was pretty good about keeping the conversation moving. We were on the phone for about 20 minutes.

Should I wait for her to contact me or call her back sometime?

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Today [censored] for some reason... went out lastnigt with friends and had a good time. Seems like if I enjoy myself I'm just bummed the next day.

[2stepboogie]

Next,

IRS problems is something my W complained about with me also. I owe a lot and she in the beginning she complained about how she was carrying a debt from the IRS that was not even hers. This was a big negative for her.

This week I secured a loan to pay it off and it will be paid in full by next Friday. I called to tell her and she thanked me.

How can you turn a negative into a positive?

This is tricky and something I have to work with all the time.

I vented about my accountant having not taken care of that for me yet.

Way too early to vent to her, right now all you want to do is open up the lines and leave them open, the time for venting will come.

but she kept me on the phone by trying to think of what else she wanted to tell me.

This is a good step my friend. Right now you should have two goals. Make the conversation simple and positive, and when she hangs up the phone she should feel good because she spoke to you. She shouldn’t feel like you were able to get a load off your chest or be reminded of the negatives.

"OK well I should get off of here"

Good you cut the conversation short but this is something I do, I am by no means a model of success but I think it is important.
“OK I appreciate you taking the time to talk about these things. Call me sometime if you like.”

You said the same thing but you ended the conversation with an open invite. I have done it both ways, when I end the convo and just say goodbye I don’t hear from her in a few days, when I leave the convo open she will usually text or call back.

Make sense?

I remember the beginning stages of my W and I talking, it was hard and confusing. I thought “should I say this or that” well little by little I have improved and I still have a LONG way to go but I think it is getting better. Put a smile on your face when you talk to your W, this makes you sound pleasant on the phone. It’s an old trick they teach telemarketers. Sometimes when I catch myself serious I will put a smile on my face to sound softer.


The first few interactions will be short and very superficial but those are the seeds of future talks and you must accept them for what they are.

Stay positive
Smile
Let her speak
Ask open ended questions
Your life is great………but not too great…….you are just peaceful
Encourage
Always leave the convo open for future interactions
ALWAYS END ON A GOOD NOTE.
VALIDATE VALIDATE VALIDATE when the time comes.

Use my thread as a blue print of what to do and what not to do. I try and post as much specific as possible so that I can get honest critique from others.

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Yeah, trust me... I am using your thread lol. It has been the best source so far to see what works and what doesn't. It helps so much that I can pretty much substitute your wife's words for mine!

The accountant thing wasn't so bad. She told me that I got more stuff from the IRS and I just said that I was frustrated because I have gotten that stuff to the accountant like three different times. He has advised me that the bill the IRS is sending me is to the company and the company is closed so they can't collect. This is sketchy I think and I just went into how frustrating it was because it was his advice on the poker income that led to one of my wife and I's biggest problems.