A walk down memory lane

[angel61]

Dear buddies,

Just a sort thread here on newcomers, where the BITS are. I posted the same thing in my thread but need some of the thinking of the BITS here. Guys, just wanted an opinion on something my H is about to do, put ourselves in his shoes:

Last week, he suddenly asks me if it would be OK for him to go home to our home country by himself. He would be gone for a week. Since we have a family trip planned for April, I asked if he was still going with us if he goes now. He said of course, this was to go hunting and to help his sister with the resturant she is opening, and was totally separate from the family vacation we are planning.
I said no problem. It also happens to be OW's birthday week, and I figured he is not bringing her there (blonde, blue eyed rich girls are a high kidnap risk in a 3rd world country!) nor would I imagine he would dream of introducing her to family... for all the reasons you all could imagine in a traditionally Catholic old fashioned clan...
So I am comfortable, trusting and happy for him.
So he seems to be happily planning what to do as well.
This is what puzzles me. He is planning to visit all our old haunts - this morning I called an old friend only to find out he had called her earlier (she was really puzzled why both of us called in one day....don't know either but I just had the feeling I wanted to talk to her)...H wanted to know the directions to a place we used to go to when we were still living there, and this got them to reminisce all our good times 15 years past. She teased him on why he was going home alone, and she said he must be doing some hanky panky, and he said "of course not, W will never allow that to happen..." Duh, as though I could stop him...
He also told me that tonight we both will call up another old friend we have not spoken to in years - both of us, as he wanted to go visit... and he wanted me to speak with him as well.
He has been digging up numbers and asking me all sorts of questions about places, etc.
He also seems to plan to go even beyond our time - I heard him speaking to his cousin about visiting and old old, before my time, favorite place to eat.

Maybe this is part of MLC. Is he reliving his youth? Is he trying to recapture the time past?

How would you guys look at this? Am I being too sentimental, letting my feminine interpretation color the whole thing?

Will it help? Those were such happy times, but in his rewriting history I had thought he had forgotten..... as he always would say that he had been unhappy for a long long time. But maybe it was after we migrated that we no longer were making memories that counted as good to him.

Whatever subconscious or conscious motives he has in doing his trip down memory lane, I hope and pray that it will rekindle some of the emotion he had for me.

Those times and places were beautiful, and going through it all alone, by himself....wouldn't that be so sad?

I would probably weep if I had to see, walk through, taste and smell all of our memories in those places, alone. I would come home and want to never be apart.

But again, would it push him farther knowing we could never walk that way again?

Pray for me and for H, friends.

[lostinscared]

Wow! I don't think I would have the strength to do this either. Something is up with him, my friend. I don't see him going through all of this unless he was contemplating something. Unless he was contemplating YOU...

I'm not so sure i would be worried about OW at this point. I would agree that he is trying to recapture something.

Angel, please forgive me for not knowing more about your situation, but are you in a place where you can ask your H a few questions about this?

I agree, this is just strange and you might just well get your wish.

I am praying for you and your reconciliation. I'm praying for your peace and I'm praying for some answers for you.

LIS

[angel61]

Thank you LIS.

No, I am not in a place where I could ask questions. May be misconstrued as resentment, and as for feelings, he has said many times times I need to accept the IDNLY and that our M is over. But he has stayed, for which I am thankful.

One of my faults is endlessly trying to mind read. I guess I just can't have all my questions answered, it just seems an unusual move to me. My BIL said to let it go, just try not to show resentment, and support him on this trip.

My intuition tells me this is a good thing for H.

[hope2011]

Sounds like your H is trying to find himself and the man he used to be. That is a positive, right? Your BIL gave you good advice.

[angel61]

Thank you. I need some positive thoughts, and that sure helps. It was our anniversary yesterday, and its always tough when special events occur, because we always think back to previous, happier ones. Also, not being able to express feelings is so hard.

Yes, he may be trying to do so. Hunting used to be such a passion of his from the time we met, in fact I got caught up in his passion that I went along with him, up to until we had our daughter. Then he met OW. At that time, he seemed to lose interest in everything, and even once said to me that he lo longer wanted to hunt. He also said that during rough times in our marriage, his hunting propped him up, giving him something to distract him.

This trip I just learned from BIL that he has several outings planned with a new group of hunters. His old posse are mostly either too old now or have gone on to other things.

I am actually rooting for this, and hoping that someday, I will be able to join him again in his adventures.

[angel61]

I did something I should not have, but I think I don’t regret it…..

I had a feeling H was writing a letter to OW, for some reason. So I did some snooping when I got a chance I could not turn down….and found out that…

I was so right. Not only one letter, but a series of them. I read them all. Not sure if he really sent them , or if he was just journaling, but ….

It just confirmed a lot of what I already felt I knew. It confirmed to me that I knew my H well, that my “mindreading” was actually correct. So none of it was really much of a surprise, in terms of the content. It confirmed the timeline (bomb drop for example). It confirmed that they did have a relationship (which he denied but I never believed), it did not mention anything that would point out to a PA. The early letters seemed so full of young love, the wonder of it all. In them there was no mention of me or D12. It was all about wanting to be with OW, her wonderful ways, the things they did together that brought them joy. I could almost see the glow. Then slowly, the yearning for more started to show, discontent with the situation, wanting something to happen, and I think this is what precipitated the bomb.

The last letter confirmed everything things we had talked about: OW felt guilty about breaking us up, did not want to continue with the relationship. He said that he did not want OW to suffer, and was trying to convince OW that it was neither her’s or even my fault – he was the one who made a mistake, he married his best friend (me), not realizing that it was not true love. He said that the dissolution of his family, and all the pain it would bring, would all be on him, but that when the dust settles and he could start picking up the pieces of his life again, he was hoping that she would still be there.

This letter had so much despair in it, so much sadness. I could see him starting to face himself, seeing the destruction that could come. He was still justifying though, and not admitting that it is a mistake in the present, not the past.

In our last convo, he did admit to loving me in the early part of our marriage but thinks that it was not that strong. I always felt that he was comparing with how he feels for OW, and now I know that’s the case.

What really got to me though was the raw emotion, the intensity of H’s feelings towards OW. Several times, he described his love for her, in such beautiful words. He himself seemed surprised that he could feel that way, that he had it in him to have that depth of emotion.

H never was that way with me. I am actually starting to believe that it true, he never loved me that much.

How does this make me feel?

Surprisingly, I am not angry. Instead, I was overcome with sadness and compassion. I looked at my H sleeping beside me last night, and felt so much love and tenderness for him, suddenly seeing how painful this all is for him too. Realizing exactly what he means when he says he is trapped.

I started thinking that it would be best to let him go to find his happiness, except that I cannot bear to offer it to him as an easy way out as I know that D12 will be devastated. Right now, he is with us, taking care of the family, being such a loving father to D12.

I think he is biding his time, but I am also sensing some changes in him, seeing him opening his eyes, awakening. My intuition tells me that he is weighing, trying to see if the destruction is worth it, if he could live with the guilt and pain he will bring upon all of us. Especially with D12 – who has an anxiety disorder that he had handled so well, and who has such a special relationship with him. One of the things that may happen if he does go with OW is that he may have to relocate halfway around the world to where OW lives, and I also have told him that I will go home to my home country. That will really end all contact with us, except maybe for vacations.

So in the end, I don't think this knowledge will change what I am doing right now, but I may do it with more compassion and kindness.

[angel61]

With all of the above, one thing that entered my mind: is he going down memory lane by himself, to erase the memories of us together those times? To clean the slate? I hope not....

I wish he would still see that no matter waht, our time together was precious, in its way.

Just for laughs: he would never have met OW anyway at that time - she would just have been barely out of grade school.

[angel61]

By the way, did anyone out here watch the movie "the last song?"

I did last night and cried my eyes out.

it was such a sad movie, the story of a dad and daughter in a divorced family, and the sense of pain and loss for me was so real. had to watch it with D12 as she is writing a book report on it.

[Denver_2010]

Angel - I just read your posts from this morning. I can't imagine how you must have felt while reading those letters. It is painful to hear someone you love so much talk kindly or lovingly about another person who is truly an intruder on your M.

Listen, I would not discount your H's love for you. When A's happen, the other party is exciting, fun, and everything that the non-cheating spouse is not. If your H were to leave your M and go be with OW, there would come a time that she would no longer be those things. Right now OW is something that he cannot have... so it seems much better than it actually is. The luster would fade. It does in all R's... The true test of a M or R is whether or not you can keep it together at the point that the butterflies are gone... that the luster and sparkle fades. This is the work that you are doing.. and your H too from how it sounds...

BITS
Denver

[angel61]

Thank you Denver for taking the time to read and respond. I needed that.

I was already thinking this morning of talking to H and telling him that I wanted him to be happy and go, because I cannot bear to see the pain and suffering on his face any longer.

Although he is here with me, he is not here in spirit. We go through the motions of daily life but I feel like he is dead, and so am I. The only brightness comes when we talk to D12, interact with her, take care of her.

But you are right, once before H loved me, enough to marry me. Even if he thinks that it was not enough, perhaps once the dust settles, it will not be OW on his mind but me.

It can go both ways, and I should not give up.