So the subject to this thread is a song by Sugarland. It kinda relates to the topic that we are all here for, but they also have a hilarious video that my kids love watching - check it out if you have a chance (I do like SOME country music).
Anyways, update time:
W had to work last night, which was fine by her since she seems to hate sports.
Took the girls to a buddy place as he was having a "family" Super Bowl party. It was about an hour drive from my house, but we got there around 3:00pm. Wanted to give the girls a chance to warm up to the other kids (in total there ended up being about 12 kids) and by about 4:00pm they were running around and playing.
Food was good, company was great, kids having fun, and a game that looked to be a blowout at half-time.
Ended up leaving the party arounf 9 (past the girls bedtime already) and I got lost on the way home. Thankfully I have GPS on my Blackberry and I used that to navigate my way back home, but it took about hour and half to get home. My W was home from work when we got home (her work was quite due to SB) and she was not pleased that I got the kids home at almost 11, since the 2 oldest have school today.
Needless to say while I was out getting coffee this morning she left me a nasty message saying how tired the kids were and how difficult it was getting them ready and that they'll probably miss the bus.
All of this, and my W has a work Christmas/going away party at her work tonight. Like she needs any excuse to wander.
She also mentioned to me yesterday that she was out looking at houses again with a big smile on her face.
I guess I'm going to call at some point this week to book the MC.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Nice of your wife to advise you that she was looking at houses! I would cange your approach here and the next time she mentions it, you should offer to help look with her. Tell her you want to ensure that the home and location is appropriate for your daughters.
I was able to get my wife to reconsider divorce as an option once I told her that although I don't want one, if that is what she wants then I will work through it with her. I also told her that if she wants to be with the OM, then go ahead, whatever it takes for her to be happy. My sense is that she has dropped the idea of a divorce and from what I have seen, the EA is dying out.
Once you start agreeing with her, you take away some of her discomfort with you. Maybe this will make her have to start facing the reality of what she is doing if you start moving her down her chosen path.
The couple times it's come up it just makes me sick to my stomach and I think about how frustrating the sitch is...
I guess at some point I will need to change to an accepting approach anyways if I want things to workout for the best for everyone.
It's just so hard because inside it hurts, and I worry that with her stubborness if I start to "act accepting" it's just going to make it easier to leave - because then she'll no longer feel like anyone is being hurt.
Also, we talked numerous times about how important it is for us to have a good R regardless of our relationship status as we have 3 D's that we need to raise "together" for at least the next 16-18 years.
Her resolve to seperate/D just seems to strengthen everyday, and I worry WHEN...not if she will find someone else to support her emotional needs.
Thanks for the advice Punchy.
BITS SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I really think that you have to move into the accepting mode and change your current behaviour. I am trying to change my behaviour with respect to stopping all pursuing activities. It is killing me to do this because my fear is that if I stopped doing these things I would drive her further away.
The reality is that she is already gone, and pressuring her to come back doesn't help. My wife is also very stubborn, but I think my pursuing just made her dig her heals in all that much more.
However, when I gave her the lets work through a divorce if thats what you want and you can go be with the OM message, she immediately came back with the "I don't know what I want", "I am so depressed" response. She thought she knew that she wanted to be away from me, but when I gave her the green light she balked. My kids are older, 15, 12 and 9,so she may be more concerned about the impact a D may have on the kids then your wife.
I still am in a tough spot, beause we just live like roommates, but that is far better to me then going through a D. You have already lost her so being accepting is not going to cost you anything, but may give you a chance to get her back.
I get home from work, and things are good. Small talk, discuss interview at my D5's school (she's doing amazing!) and some other little things.
My W goes upstairs to do a load of laundry and I decide that this is the point that I'll change my tune.
I said W, I've been thinking. The next time you are going to look at houses please let me know as I'd like to come. I think it's important for me to take an active role as it's important to me where the girls are living.
Her response "I don't think you could handle that". So I said, yes I thought you might say that. Well the reality is that I want you to be happy, and I obviously am concerned about where the girls are going to be living. So she says "Ok".
I go to walk back down stairs and she calls my name. So I just said "Yes?"
She starts to go into again how angry she is at me, for the way I let my mother treat me. She believes that 70-80% of the problem is due to my mother and my poor handling of the situation. She says that she doesn't know if she can ever forgive me, that feels like so many years have been wasted. She doesn't want to waste anymore of her life.
All the time she seems to be really struggling with what she's saying.
She was going out tonight with girls from work and she asked me to give her a ride. The R talk continued in the car, saying she just doesn't know if our sitch is fixable and that she doesn't think she's a bad person for wanting out of the R. I agree completely, and said for once I truly understand what she is sayng and the mistakes I've made.
I tell her to have fun, but be careful. She responds, "I'll try." Sounding all depressed.
Man, she is different day to day this is unreal. Yesterday I thought my M was doomed...now today I'm not sure.
I can really see the doubt in her, but at the same time she still talks about getting her own house.
I can see this is going to take a loooooong time.
BITS SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Totally. Welcome to the rollercoaster ride from he!!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
I think you have turned the corner. Your approach today was bang on. Accept and acknowledge! You validated her feelings and at the same time took away part of her reason for wanting to leave. In a way, she acknowledged that you have changed by referring to the issues as being in the past.
I think that you have really given her something to think about. Sounds like she has some doubt in her head. Stay the course, this is going to be a long trip.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Things were not so good when she got home at 1:30am. She was hammered, and she woke me up and then proceeded to sit on the floor and start crying.
So I did what I thought I should and asked her what's wrong? Shejust said "Leave me alone, I hate you". I'm like, this awesome she woke me up for this?
Then she's just muttering about how cold she is, so I tell her get in bed. She starts telling me that she didn't have enough money for the cab ride home so the cab driver told her to get out of the cab and that she had to walk about 1.5 hours home!?!?
She finally comes to bed, and I try to confort her. I also know last time she was hammered we had sex, and I was so missing the physical contact so I was coming onto her. Man did she reject me bad. "Leave me alone, don't touch me, I hate you, you annoy me, why won't you just let me be happy, let me be away from you".
I basically told her I would, that I do want her to be happy. She was angry that I was trying to have sex with her, she said "So are you just going to rape me". I said of course not, but I don't think you can fault a guy who hasn't had sex/ML in almost 3 months to give it a try?!
Anyways, I couldn't get back to sleep for a bit...last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30am...and I'm up for work at 5:00am. Good times.
Anyways, we'll see what tonight brings. I'm buying in now, everything is going to be discussion about moving forward.
I'm still going to book the MC, but our R discussion now will be about me "going along" with her plans.
Why is it that they seemto struggle when you are "accepting" of their percieved "dreams"?? So [censored] up.
She is such a roller-coaster at the moment. Everyday is literally a different person!!!
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
You took a step backward by trying to have sex with her. The WAW has no interest in us physically and in some respect they are repulsed by us. I can understand your frustration, my wife and I have not had sex in 2 years. For the longest time, my wife wouldn't even sit on the same couch as me!
This is a roller-coaster ride, but you have to be able to take whatever comes you way. Stick to your plan, accept, acknowledge and listen. Any thing beyond that and you are going backwards re the relationship.
Will be interesting to see what the MC has to say about your going along with her plan approach.
