The title of this one goes out to my wife. I don't think this line needs any real explanation. If you like Pink Floyd, you will understand. Oh, and "Happy Anniversary, my love." Exactly five months ago today, you packed your things and moved out. Love you!
Well, quick update. Four days and no contact with W. Hey, the sun came up this morning and I am alive. I guess it was a good day. SB party went well. I went a bit overboard with the spices on the hotwings and caused some folks to have to chug some milk after consuming these tasty treats. I was pulling for the Steelers, so my night didn't end well. I really enjoyed the party, but after everyone left and I was cleaning up by myself, I got really emotional. I remember the previous post party clean ups with my W. We would always bust our butts to get everything back into shape, shower and then lay in bed together and watch SportsCenter highlights. Tonight, I am sitting in bed alone with my computer and to depressed to turn the TV on...
Anyway, enough of that for now. Instead tonight I am putting out an "all call" to my BITS for help. It is now time to play America's favorite game... "ASK THE BITS!"
So BITS, here is what I need help with:
My family is split on my decision regarding my brother's wedding. As you may remember from my previous post, I have informed my brother and future SIL, that my W will not be attending their wedding in March which she has been invited to(I am the best man, by the way). This upset my future SIL, because she is friends with my W. I explained to the family that I want my brother's wedding to be a happy day for me also and I don't want to have to look at my W across a crowded room all evening knowing that I can't be with her. Now, I informed my future SIL that I would do the "dirty work" (ie: I would be the one to tell my W that she is not welcome). Needless to say, this has caused a stir. Also, there will be two showers thrown for my future SIL over the next couple of weekends. I have informed my family that my W will not be invited to these gatherings either. This upset my mother. My mother loves me deeply, but she has this very unrealistic notion that her and my W will remain friends even after the D. I don't know how to tell her that this will not be the case. Anyway, my reasons for getting my W banned from all these things will be explained later.
My younger sister is getting married in June. My W was supposed to be a bride's maid in the wedding. Because my sister is so pissed at my W for leaving me, she has recanted this offer and my W will no longer be a member of the wedding party or invited to the wedding. This was my sister's choice and I didn't push her into it. This will be hard. My sister was 7 when I brought my W into the family. They became best friends and used to love each other dearly. Now, my sister wants nothing to do with my W and could not care less if she ever sees her again. Just some background info.
So, why is FOBD doing this? Well, here are my reasons:
1) I will be miserable at these events if she is there. She will be a walking, talking, never-ending reminder of my destroyed marriage. My W and I used to love going to weddings. We loved to dance together all night long. I don't want to sit through a three-hour reception with her across the room. I would rather poke my eye out with a salad fork.
2) She has NO RIGHT TO BE THERE!!! You see, when you take off your wedding ring, prance around Canada posing as single and start up an EA with a guy you met there, you also give up your "membership card" to my family. You stop being family and start being something else I cant describe in words just yet. If you belong to a gym and stop paying your dues, you don't get to continue to work out there. If you show up, you get your *ss tossed out into the street. Same goes here. You don't get to leave me and then still be with the people you have loved for 15 years. Me and my family are a package deal. If you don't want to be with me, you don't get to be with my family. And, honestly, some of my family would probably not treat her very nicely anyway. Some of them are very devote Christians and think what she is doing is awful. In a way, I am protecting her from getting a very cold reception from some people that used to love her like family. I do believe their less than friendly reception might be a horrible kick in the face to her.
3) I think it might be time for her to take an extra-large dose of "reality" right now. For the past 15 years, she has been there for weddings, funerals, dance recitals, first communions, birthday parties, you name it. When she realizes that she is no longer welcome here, she will have to face what she has done. This will be a giant "sh*t pie" right in the kisser. It might be the first time she will have to really face what she is leaving behind. Yes, I know in a way this seems vindictive, but it is how I feel. "You want out, there is the door, sweetheart. But, I am very sorry to have to inform you that there will be no parting gifts for the loser today. Just stark cold reality for you, my love."
OK, lay it on me. I really want to know and I don't want you to pull any punches. Folks, I still want her back. I still want her more than anything in this world. But I will be damned if she will be there for these events. She should have considered this before she walked out on me like she was leaving the mall with a new pair of shoes. In life, we make choices and those choices are sometimes paired with some really, really sh*tty consequences. I think it might be time for her to face those consequences... "Hey, Pandora, don't look now, but your box is still open and you have no control what is going to come out next..."
I can't wait to hear from each of you. By the way, I have decided that I will go with the majority. Please vote early and vote often. HA!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, that song FOBD!!! Floyd is my favorite band of all time, by far!!! Damn, I wish that I would have thought of using that songs title for the title of my thread before you did!
I love it!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Honestly man, I'd vote for you to let your bro and his fiancee, and your little sis and her fiancee, all decide for themselves.
This sounds like your taking a shot at you W by doing this. If you want her back, why would you do this?
I've talked about unconditional love on my thread. This is how i want to be loved and am trying my best to learn to give it myself. I don't think that banning your W from these weddings would be acts of true giving... of unconditional love.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You would be hurt that her family was not inviting you to these weddings. You would feel that her family had zero respect for your happiness and your choices. And if you found out that it was your W who actually forced them to disinvite you, you would view that as an act of disrespect for your feelings and choices. NOT validating.
And you also have to consider the unintended consequences of these actions. What if you and W DO reconcile. Could it actually make reconciliation more difficult down the road when W is concerned about 'uncomfortableness' bw she and your family? Do you want your W to have resentment towards any of your family over this? Would it be worth it?
It seems to me that you are initiating an act of war here. I just don't think this is what you want to do.
Now, I MIGHT change my vote if you told me that you simply won't be able to have a good time at these weddings if your W is there. I don't think that I believe that though. You obviously will have plenty of family and friends there who you can spend the wedding reception hanging out with. Now I certainly agree that W canNOT bring OM to any of these events. That I'd back you up on 100%.
Lastly, don't you think that these two events would be good opportunities to DB her? Either by showing her that you are capable of being just fine without her, and/or by showing her what she is missing by not being with you?
I'll support whatever you decide here, but it just seems, well, as you said, vindictive. Just being honest man.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I might be in the minority here but I believe that the option should belong to your brother and your sister. Now your sister has obviously made her choice she does not want W there. Your brother is backing you up but it is not just about your brother it is also his bride to be day. I am thinking you are missing the big picture here.
You say you will be miserable with W there? Well guess what buddy, so will she. This is a constant reminder of your failed M? What do you think it will be reminding her? As we have said time and time again it is the same for these WAW, they all feel the same way they all say the same thing so you know what is happening with her emotions. You are surrounded by family and friends and if she shows up she is one brave soul. This day should probably very uncomfortable for her.
Second reason why I disagree with not inviting her. This is a golden chance for you to DB you a$$ off. Think about the opportunity here for a moment. You have lots of support, she is going into the "lions den" this is a chance for you to be shown in the best possible light.
Third reason. Don't draw a line in the sand man. You've come too far by doing this you will demonstrate to her and yourself that your changes were about getting her back and not about you. This could come back and bite you in the a$$.
hi i am really quite torn on this i think if your little sister doesn't want her there them so be it that is one you need not even think about now for your brothers, let me ask a question: would you truly be happier without her there? or would you just be thinking about her the whole time? this may be a chance to show her your best self and let her be sorry that she is not your partner in the celebration
Well, given my situation, I have started reading DB all over again. And while yesterday I would have said that you were right, don't invite her and be done with it, that is not my opinion today.
Your BITS cannot answer this FOBD. Only YOU can. MWD believes strongly that we can influence our WAS's a lot more than we think we can. So, the first question you need to ask yourself is, what response are you trying to get here? If you want your W back, do you believe not inviting her to the wedding is going to get you to that goal. This could very well be the case. She might not be angered by the uninvites, but rather might be forced to think very strongly about her choices. But only you can answer that. Every situation is different and every 180 is different. For instance, the advice to distance myself from my H is not wise in my situation. It hits at the core of his problems with me and is viewed as more of the same.
So, first, define your goal. Then define the behavior that is likely to get to that goal. If you think that neither decision is going to make a difference to that goal, then I say don't invite her and avoid the pain. If, however, you do feel that one is better than the other in terms of improving the relationship, then you need to choose that.
I, personally, am with Denver and grr on this one. I think the scenario that gives you the best chance is to invite her. It presents way more opportunities for you, IMHO.
Through all of this WE are assuming that FOBD's W actually WANTS to go.
For my brothers wedding that was on NYE, my W kept telling me that she didn't want to go - that it would be too hard for her. This in my mind, made it important that she DID come so she couldn't avoid some of the discomfort of the sitch.
In the end I don't think it did either of us any good. My W didn't enjoy being there, and it was hard for me to DB as I was feeling sorry for her and it made me think about our wedding and all of the fun times we've had together at the weddings we attended.
In the end I didn't enjoy the night nearly as much as I should have because of the pain I felt with the akwardness of the sitch.
I'm not saying this is exactly the same as it will go in your sitch, but I just know in my case that while I try to detach and DB my W has all of the control in sitch. I have control over myself and myself only.
I'm starting to ramble now.
Sorry FOBD, I wish all the best in your decision.
What are the odds that your W doesn't want to attend the weddings?
BITS SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Its not your wedding so its not up to you, period.
If she is invited by SIL then fine. What a golden opportunity to DB your ass off! Get a hot date and dance and prance in front of W at the wedding and have fun. You're right that W will likely be uncomfortable with the cool reception she gets from some of your family. So be it. Tough for her. If you have a PMA about this situation you could actually have fun with it. But you make the call.
My family is split on my decision regarding my brother's wedding. As you may remember from my previous post, I have informed my brother and future SIL, that my W will not be attending their wedding in March which she has been invited to(I am the best man, by the way). This upset my future SIL, because she is friends with my W. I explained to the family that I want my brother's wedding to be a happy day for me also and I don't want to have to look at my W across a crowded room all evening knowing that I can't be with her. Now, I informed my future SIL that I would do the "dirty work" (ie: I would be the one to tell my W that she is not welcome). Needless to say, this has caused a stir. Also, there will be two showers thrown for my future SIL over the next couple of weekends. I have informed my family that my W will not be invited to these gatherings either. This upset my mother. My mother loves me deeply, but she has this very unrealistic notion that her and my W will remain friends even after the D. I don't know how to tell her that this will not be the case. Anyway, my reasons for getting my W banned from all these things will be explained later.
Banned ?
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
My younger sister is getting married in June. My W was supposed to be a bride's maid in the wedding. Because my sister is so pissed at my W for leaving me, she has recanted this offer and my W will no longer be a member of the wedding party or invited to the wedding. This was my sister's choice and I didn't push her into it. This will be hard. My sister was 7 when I brought my W into the family. They became best friends and used to love each other dearly. Now, my sister wants nothing to do with my W and could not care less if she ever sees her again. Just some background info.
FYI....Stay out of that decision....
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
So, why is FOBD doing this? Well, here are my reasons:
1) I will be miserable at these events if she is there. She will be a walking, talking, never-ending reminder of my destroyed marriage. My W and I used to love going to weddings. We loved to dance together all night long. I don't want to sit through a three-hour reception with her across the room. I would rather poke my eye out with a salad fork.
2) She has NO RIGHT TO BE THERE!!! You see, when you take off your wedding ring, prance around Canada posing as single and start up an EA with a guy you met there, you also give up your "membership card" to my family. You stop being family and start being something else I cant describe in words just yet. If you belong to a gym and stop paying your dues, you don't get to continue to work out there. If you show up, you get your *ss tossed out into the street. Same goes here. You don't get to leave me and then still be with the people you have loved for 15 years. Me and my family are a package deal. If you don't want to be with me, you don't get to be with my family. And, honestly, some of my family would probably not treat her very nicely anyway. Some of them are very devote Christians and think what she is doing is awful. In a way, I am protecting her from getting a very cold reception from some people that used to love her like family. I do believe their less than friendly reception might be a horrible kick in the face to her.
3) I think it might be time for her to take an extra-large dose of "reality" right now. For the past 15 years, she has been there for weddings, funerals, dance recitals, first communions, birthday parties, you name it. When she realizes that she is no longer welcome here, she will have to face what she has done. This will be a giant "sh*t pie" right in the kisser. It might be the first time she will have to really face what she is leaving behind. Yes, I know in a way this seems vindictive, but it is how I feel. "You want out, there is the door, sweetheart. But, I am very sorry to have to inform you that there will be no parting gifts for the loser today. Just stark cold reality for you, my love."
Whilst I understand this...
I'm still not sure you are doing this for the right reasons.
How does this hold up to that person you want to be moving forward ?
There is a lot of "Superiority" in your words.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting her there, or to be a part of your family right now. What I don't like is the logic you wrote to justify that decision.
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
Folks, I still want her back.
Is this thinking moving you closer or further away ?
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
But
"But" is an excuse to not do better...
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
I will be damned if she will be there for these events. She should have considered this before she walked out on me like she was leaving the mall with a new pair of shoes.
How would you view a person that felt this way about you ?
And don't give me any "I'm entitled-It's not fair" crap either....
Think about how your actions play into what you want....
Your thoughts control your actions...
As long as you are on that soapbox, it will be harder for her to reach you....
