Beginner's Mind

[Busting Mode]

Hey there,

Wasn't getting much action either in the 180 or the WAW section, but even though I've been actively DBing for the past few months, I think posting as a newcomer here in this section is probably the best place for me to start over.

My attempts to save my marriage have now officially failed, so it's time for me to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on with...strange and desperate as it may sound... with hope that one day we will remarry.

I think the odds are pretty slim, but it's not gonna stop me from trying, while becoming an even better person and maintaining my dignity and self-respect in the process.

Here's the quick stats:

Me: 47
She: 41
Together 4 years
Married 6 months

About to be divorced any day now. She's just waiting for me to sign the papers.

I think the biggest question on my mind is, knowing that she feels the only chance we will ever have is for me to sign the papers and let her go, and knowing that I feel once those papers are signed she is gone for good...

What am I to do.

Shall la la la la I live for today?

Yeah, that's my first response. Stop thinking about the past or worrying about the future. Stop trying to control the outcome of everything and Just. Let. Go!

I know that's what she wants, and I know it's what she feels she needs.

Not much details for you to go on here, but whaddaya think?

She says she has spent too much time trying to please other people. Not just me. She says she is unhappy in our marriage and needs to do this for her. To stand up for herself even if it hurts me.

It's tough because that totally make sense to me.

S my question is, do I keep on trying to keep her at the table talking to our divorce busting coach?

Or do I respect her wishes and give her the divorce she wants


And if I let her go...

Does the cat ever come back?

Do people ever remarry the same partner after they have actually divorced them?

[lostinscared]

Yup people do remarry.

I keep talking about my very dear friend who left his wife, divorced her and remarried her.

Ever hear of Judge Judy? Same thing. Divorced her husband, remarried her husband.

Interesting interview on Oprah today with the supermodels. One of them ended up deciding the night before the divorce that she didn't want a divorce. She and her husband stopped proceedings immediately.

There's lots of examples.

So... what you do from here is entirely up to you. Only you can decide that it is over.

Aside from this, I'm so very sorry for the pain you are in and what you are going through. My H is in the process of leaving me right now and I'm about as raw as raw can be. If it weren't for my friends on this site, I think I would be totally done for.

Stay here. The people are great! And there's always hope. So what do you think about telling us your story. We'd love to hear it!

Hang in there and I'm praying for you.

[Busting Mode]

LnS,

Thanks very much for your strong and supportive post. You sound more Found than Lost to me!

I started telling my story elsewhere on these boards, but there is definitely more to tell, and I'm sure the tellin' will bring some healin' so thank you for the invitation to elaborate.

How wonderful to have people like you who care!

And you know what? I think if I'm gonna tell it, then I'm gonna tell it well. If for nobody else but me.



The Story of Mike and Beckie


Chapter 1

The first thing you oughta know, is that my wife's name isn't Beckie. I have changed it here to protect the not-so innocent. No malice there, it's that the other day I sent a message to my wife, and she said I was "stressing Beckie". Having never heard the phrase before, I asked "Who the heck is Beckie?"

"You are stressing ME out!" was her immediate response. I could just see her eyes rolling in exasperation at how clueless, how oblivious, how disconnected this guy was that she had recently tied - albeit very loosely - the proverbial knot with just a few short months ago.

"Beckie" and I met on eHarmony around October of 2006. At the time, I had two or three other "irons in the fire". Meaning I had been speaking with, and even spending a little time with 3 other women from the site who seemed to have potential. But for some strange reason the idea of admitting to one woman that I was dating a couple of others seemed like an inappropriate thing to do, and so I did what I had often done in the past. I lied.

I told Beckie I wasn't really seeing anyone else. When in fact, I had just started seeing a wonderful women who had more money than God, and I was also really interested in a fascinating woman who I found physically irresistible. Both of those women seemed like pretty good matches to consider, and when Beckie and I first started talking, there really wasn't any reason not to tell her the truth.

No reason at all other than my own foolish insecurities. And that, friends and neighbors, the story of me finally overcoming my own insecurities to become a better Husband, Father, Friend and Lover, is the story I want to tell. It is a story that is still unfolding and I am still creating even as we speak.

Next Chapter

The Woman Without Guile

[zengypsy]

BM, I have the same hopes as you to one day remarry my STBXH. My D will be final soon and it [censored].

I truly think as I talk to more people come on these board and read my a$$ off, that some people really need the D to truly have the clarity to see what they have lost. For some reason, this chapter in their lives is just too painful to revisit and the D gives them the closure. It's a werid mindset I know but at the same time I sort-of get it.

I have also read somewhere that the "turn around" time for a the X to have regret about the decision to D is about 6-9 mos.

I believe anything is possible especially if you continue to work on yourself. And, just because you got the D, you can still DB. You started off as friends in the beginning right? Then you can start from there again. Maybe not right away but over time, she just needs time to cath up.

Keep the faith and don't give up if that's what your heart is truly speaking to you.

Prayers to you and enjoy your weekend

[Busting Mode]

Zengypsy

You are AWESOME! Thank you for your reply, and thank you for the 6 to 9 month view. No idea if that is accurate, but it certainly puts things into a more manageable perspective.

I have spent a lifetime of looking for quick fixes, so maybe this is something I need to learn as well. To let go and let things happen instead of always trying to control the outcome.


CHAPTER 2: The Woman Without Guile

"We went down on each other, but we never had intercourse." This is what Beckie flat out told me, after she got back from a weekend in Montana.

At the time, we had only had a few conversations on eHarmony, and although we were hitting it off really well as friends, we had yet to meet in person. We had yet to make or infer any kind of commitment.

Now here's the key. For the first time in my life, I realized that I was speaking to a woman able to tell it like it is. A woman without any false pretense or guile. I'm not saying she didn't have her fears and insecurities, I was just blown away by how transparent she was willing to be.

I think that's the moment I was hooked.

Until that point, trusting women had always been a problem for me. The insecurity of being unable to trust my own mother, let alone anybody else, had really wreaked havoc with my life. But suddenly here was a woman I could believe in. A woman I could completely trust, as further reinforced by her steadfast refusal to fake an orgasm when we finally got together.

Ladies take note: That level of self-respect and confidence in yourself is DAZZLING! Do you have any idea how empowering it is for a man to know that he has a woman he can always trust to tell the truth, as opposed to a woman who is faking it? This is why men move mountains. Your devotion to your truth is what commands us to be our best.

So now let me tell you a little more about my lies, and how my insecurities not only affected everything I did with her, but especially the way I saw her. Let me tell you how my insecurities had doomed us from the start, and we'll see where this story leads.


NEXT CHAPTER: The Lie In Whistler

[Busting Mode]

Chapter 3: The Lie in Whistler


When Beckie and I first started talking, I had already had a brief meeting with another woman in Florida. Let's call her Marcie.

Although there wasn't any real spark with Marcie, she was bright, pretty, and having inherited over a $100 million dollars, she gave me a glimpse into a world I had never seen before. A world of such freedom and abundance it took the meaning of luxury to a hold new level.

With so much money, it was really easy to have fun with Marcie. So when she offered to fly my son and I out to go
snowboarding at her place in Whistler, I accepted the invitation. Knowing in the back of my mind that I was really starting to like Beckie, and no matter what kind of fun or lifestyle this other woman had to offer, compared to the truth and light of Beckie, she couldn't hold a candle.


Still, I hadn't even met Beckie in person yet, and a weekend on the slopes sounded like a lot of fun. So away we went.

Remember though, Beckie had told me in advance of her plans to go and spend a weekend in Montana with a guy that she had met, while I had said I wasn't talking to anyone else at all. And now here I was planning to go away with someone.

Well as it often goes, when a little lie is told, it leads to bigger lies in order to cover up. So then I told Beckie I was going away on business. And while I was there, I lied again and told her I didn't have any cell phone service.

Curiously, all those little lies would not leave me alone. They gnawed at my conscience like no other lies I had ever told, because I already knew how much I liked Beckie. I already knew how awesome she was and I knew she deserved a whole lot better than a person who wasn't honest.

But at the time I really had no idea HOW to be completely honest! Underneath all my false bravado I really didn't how I would ever be able to manage in a relationship where I could NEVER use lies in order to protect myself.

I knew I wanted that level of honesty in my life. I was just scared to death of having it. So right from the beginning, I was terrified of both hearing and speaking the whole entire truth, no matter how much I proclaimed to want it.

Okay one more lie to speak of, and then we can move on. A couple of times when Marcie and I were having intercourse in Whistler, this ungodly smell rose up. It was completely revolting. Nauseating. Like nothing I had ever smelled before, and totally a turn-off. It was pretty strange though, because it didn't happen all the time. Just every once in awhile. So I just wrote it off as the bad chemistry the two of us were creating.

However what was most appalling, is that later on, when I was making love to Beckie, that very same smell arose. Oh my god I was terrified! By that time, I had already fallen head over heels in love with her, and I was horrified to say the smell had come from me. So like the cad I was, I lied again and said I had never smelled anything like that before.

I let Beckie believe we were creating that bad chemistry together, instead of just saying there must be something wrong with me, because I had noticed it before.

Beckie and I had barely just begun, and already I was terrified of losing her.


Next Chapter: Blinded By The Light

[Busting Mode]

<intermission>

I could spoil the ending here and tell you that today I am in such a state of grace and strength that no matter what happens with my wife, unless she actually marries another man, I know I will not give up the fight.

I could even tell you that, incredibly, I have realized that suddenly I'm okay with never being with anyone else again!

I mean my life has already been so blessed with so many unbelievably amazing times, today I suddenly realized that for me...


* My L---- will always be the best
* I know I will never settle for second best
* I know how much she has given to me and so many other people throughout her life

*I know how much she deserves to have an outstanding quality of life
*I know that this is my life and it is my choice to spend it anyway I like
* I believe there is no greater accomplishment in life than loving one person really well
*I know we both will benefit from me constantly being her best friend and constantly being there for her no matter what she does...

*I know that she will always be a part of me
* She will always in my heart
* She will always be with me everywhere I go and nothing can ever take that away...

It's amazing but right now I feel that letting her go completely and doing whatever she needs to do, having no more fear of losing her because I know I never really can...suddenly I feel free.

It's like I know my one true path, because I know my one true love.

So let me tell you how this happened. About 5am this morning I read that Heaven-sent thread "Be The Lighthouse" (I'd post the link if I knew how, but you can look it up).

That really got me thinking. I went out for a walk along the lake. There is a small marina there with nothing more than a pole out on the pier with a tiny light on top, but it served the purpose just the same.

When I got out to the light pole, I noticed on the pole that someone had written somethings about God and faith. Can't remember what they were, but I wondered what I might have written there if I had had a marker with me.

I would have written what I heard a priest say last night in the movie The Rite:

"Faith becomes you. Fight the good fight with all Thy might."

Okay. Being the lighthouse. Believing. Having faith. Fighting the good fight with all the might of God behind me...wow. Powerful stuff.

So I started thinking about what that would actually look like. What it would actually take for me to be the lighthouse and fight the good fight with all Thy might...

Well, I reasoned, it would have to start with vows. Not "our" vows, but MY vows. I would need to define and condition vows so invincible within myself, that no devil or temptation could ever overcome me.

Pretty strong stuff, I thought. So then I figured I need some kind of ceremony to really mark this moment for myself.

I decided that what I would do, was take some pictures of myself by different lighthouses along the lake, and with each picture, I would write another vow. (Along the way it dawned on me that my wife collects lighthouses. Hello! When the time is right she'll love to see those pictures!)

Anyhoo, I already had a really nice camera, but I needed to get a tripod, so I purchased one of those, and then drove an hour to a nicer lighthouse than a lamppost.

When I got there, I walked out on the icy, cold and windy pier, set up my camera, took the shot, and recited my first vows:

"I vow to be an outstanding Husband, Father, Friend, Lover and Partner."

And then God, the Big Fat Funny Joker, figured He would have a laugh. Suddenly a gust of wind came and blew my fancy camera right off the pier! Right into the cold and irrevocable depths of Lake Ontario!

So I took that as a sign and fortified my vows right there on the spot...

"I vow to be an outstanding Husband, Father, Friend, Lover and Partner, NO MATTER WHAT!"

[Busting Mode]

Ah. So this is how it is, huh?

One day feeling strong, the next day feeling weak.

Looking at my post from yesterday, it sounds like there could be some posturing going on there. Maybe a little over compensating to mask the underlying pain.

No doubt daily repetition of my vows is going to serve me. I know I must rise above the drama of my own conflicting thoughts. I must manage my emotions. And I must beware of being dragged down into any kind of victimesque dialogue or behavior.

Still, there are plenty of insecurities I know I'm still covering up. The one that haunts me most this morning is what Beckie said the other day...

"Right from the start we have never had the kind of chemistry, lust or passion with each other that I desire. I've been lying to myself for 4 years, telling myself that we could get there."

If she had only said this once, I might not be so uncertain, but she has said it so often lately, and there is actually so much evidence to support that view, I feel it has now become an indisputable truth for her.

So immediately my resolve, my proclamations of undying love and unconditional support, my feelings of being okay even with her in another man's arms...are all being squarely tested.

Fortunately, I have a DBing session with coach Chuck today. I was a little disappointed with the way the previous coaching session ended with coach Laurie. I had managed to get Beckie on the call, and although it was a very good discussion, there was no arranging or promise of a next appointment. It was a delicate thing to handle though, and I see that my disappointment could very well just be more of me trying to force or control the outcome of things. A very bad habit I must break.

So. On with our story.

[Busting Mode]

Chapter 4. Blinded By The Light.

The title of this one should really be smothered by the dark, but I would rather focus on her beauty than my beastliness. Still, I must absolve myself and move on. I feel I must confess my sins in order to let them go.

Bless me God for I have sinned. Big time.

Imagine this. You see your soulmate's face on your computer. It's the face you have been dreaming of ever since you were a child searching for your best friend. By the grace of God, one day you get a chance to call this dream girl on the phone, and in speaking to her you become convinced that she is definitely The One.

Very soon, you find yourself on a plane. Flying thousands of miles to another country, and then driving hundreds of miles to a tiny spot on the map - a place you have never even heard of.

To your astonishment, the day has finally arrived. This is the day you finally get to meet the woman you have been waiting over 40 years to find. And now, you are driving in your car just moments away from meeting her face to face, after countless miles of unknown roads, mistakes and missed turns along the way...you are finally about to meet the woman of your dreams. For real.


You are driving down White Sands Blvd. Your heart is beating like a hammer. You are turning left on 10th street. The road has become surreal. You turn left on Mckinley Ave. This is where she'll be! You are driving down her street and SUDDENLY THERE SHE IS! (tears have now come 4 years later as I write this)

Oh my God can you imagine! There she is standing in her drive way, totally primed, hot, eager, willing, practically drooling with the anticipation of you being The One, as well. She is beautiful beyond belief. Gorgeous. Stunning. Striking. A true Goddess standing there on the verge of tears in her own happiness to see you and finally welcome you back home.
Her Soulmate. Her Twin Flame. The one who she has been wishing for as long and hard as you have wished for her.

She is the embodiment of Love. She is the very best that God could build. And right now, you can see she only has eyes for you.


But wait.

There's something wrong with your eyes.
That is NOT what you are seeing.

Alas! You are not aware of it, but you have forgotten to take your sunglasses off!

You know the ones I'm talking about.

The ones that have always prevented you from seeing the true
light of other people.

The ones that have always been keeping you in the dark, ever since you started watching television and started being programmed to feel inadequate.

The cheap, plastic filters that have been set upon your eyeballs, making you unable to see past your own subconscious conditioning.

The mass marketed ray-bans, that over the years have trained you to believe in only one type of barbie-beauty image of unattainable perfection.

So when I stepped out of the car, did I see that vision of loveliness before me?
That beautiful face?
Those gorgeous eyes.
The joy, the happiness, the warmth,
the passionate flower so eager to unfold?

Did I really see My Love
My "Beckie"

No. The first thing I said to myself was "Wow. She's really big."
Yep. Beckie is a whole lot of woman.
An incredible fit an athletic woman, mind you,
a woman who loves and respects her body and knows how to take care of herself...

But still looking like she must have been born an Amazon.

Yes. I am able to make light of all this now.
Put it into some kind of perspective that I can learn from.

But back then it was a definitely an issue.
And God Help Us, our physical characteristics have always remained an issue since the very first moment I brought it up to her, undoubtedly in some kind of sorry-ass defence of my inability to satisfy her.



Next Chapter: When Love Beckons, Follow Him, Though His Ways Are Steep and Sharp.