Does anyone else have a W who has never been into feelings, gifts, cuddling, talks, affection, etc.?
In reading lots of relationship books I find it's hard to apply the advice because she's not typical. She doesn't want me to listen more, or express my feelings more, or plan romantic things. In fact, our problem is more that she needs to be constantly on the move, in the lead, taking charge, with no time to consider people's feelings. She's very independent, has few female friends, and prefers hanging out with "the guys". OK, sure. Some of this is good and exciting right? But, in our case, unless I'm very careful, she can quickly dominate the relationship. And by having a lower need for affection, she can easily end up with all the power.
Anyway, none of the typical advice pertains to her. In fact, entire books seem not to apply. Does this change anything about the DBing tips?
Dear Still In several ways I could be your wife. I suggest you get the book "Your Father's Daughter" by Earl Henslin for deeper insight. My guess is your wife had an absent father in some way. He may have been around , but not present. You wife compensated by becoming the parent she didn't really have. She became her own protector. She became left-brained. This was survival behaviour for a child with a father that was pretty much not there. In my case I'm the one doing the DBing.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, and suggesting the book. I'm googling it now. With luck it's an e-book!
My W grew up in a tumultuous home. M was an alcoholic with some sleep and psychotic disorders, B has rather severe bipolar disorder. In her case, her F was probably the only stable one - a small business owner and really nice man - and she adores him. He might have had a hard time dealing with all this (I would) and I don't know how much he was really "there" during this time. I know she had absolutely no rules and learned to be independent from a young age. So, in short, you're almost certainly right about her becoming her own protector.
I, on the other hand, grew up in a stable, too quiet, very boring household. (Seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding?)
A few family therapists have pointed out to me that her behavior - never wanting to slow down or talk about things, a disinterest in feelings - is pretty common in those with alcoholic parents.
This is perhaps the biggest problem we have. She wants me to "be a man" and lead but so won't let me get out in front. She likes to set the schedule, run the finances. And since we married fairly young (at 24) and her family is a big, fun (but a little crazy) group it was easy for me to follow their lead. (though at work I'm a capable manager and leader - so at least I have some potential in this area).
She reacts very negatively to weakness or OR talks, or indecisiveness or needing reassurance, or wanting to be intimate. Asking her to talk about our R seems to actually cause her physical pain.
Well, so now you know what hasn't been working. Any suggestions for what would work to get through to her?
Thanks. The amazing thing about the DB approach is that it might actually work for me while it's pretty obvious none of the other's would. If I bought my wife gifts and flowers, as one book was suggesting, I think she'd vomit on them.
Great C.S. Lewis quote on your signature line, BTW.
DBing is about doing something that works. What can you do different that WOULD get her to respect/appreciate/attract you more.
Obviously she gets validation from other men and in the beginning, she got the same from you. What did you 'lose' along the way while married? How have you changed?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, and suggesting the book. I'm googling it now. With luck it's an e-book!
My W grew up in a tumultuous home. M was an alcoholic with some sleep and psychotic disorders, B has rather severe bipolar disorder. In her case, her F was probably the only stable one - a small business owner and really nice man - and she adores him. He might have had a hard time dealing with all this (I would) and I don't know how much he was really "there" during this time. I know she had absolutely no rules and learned to be independent from a young age. So, in short, you're almost certainly right about her becoming her own protector.
I, on the other hand, grew up in a stable, too quiet, very boring household. (Seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding?)
A few family therapists have pointed out to me that her behavior - never wanting to slow down or talk about things, a disinterest in feelings - is pretty common in those with alcoholic parents.
This is perhaps the biggest problem we have. She wants me to "be a man" and lead but so won't let me get out in front. She likes to set the schedule, run the finances. And since we married fairly young (at 24) and her family is a big, fun (but a little crazy) group it was easy for me to follow their lead. (though at work I'm a capable manager and leader - so at least I have some potential in this area).
She reacts very negatively to weakness or OR talks, or indecisiveness or needing reassurance, or wanting to be intimate. Asking her to talk about our R seems to actually cause her physical pain.
Well, so now you know what hasn't been working. Any suggestions for what would work to get through to her?
Well I am hardly in a position to advise you, I can only give you a little insight into what makes a person like her tick. These are the possibilities I see:
a) there is likely some co-dependancy going on in your relationship due to her growing up with alcholism in the family and someone mentally ill. b) She has an addictive personality herself to some degree. c) Because she is primarily left brained in her approach due to childhood survival programming), she may not "hear" feelings. When she listens she hears content and detail and is in problem solving mode. She's already formulating a response/solution before you even finish verbalizing the thought. d)What upset me about my H is that he left me with most of the responsibility and then complained I wasn't fun or didn't want to go out with him. Example: He'd want to go out, but he'd leave me to make all the arrangements. Perhaps you have similar issues? e) H wouldn't stand up for himself verbally or otherwise. The minute things got a argumentative or a little heated, he'd walk away and keep silent, then feel intimidated and verbally overpowered by me. Any rise or escalation in vocal level or tone, gave him great anxiety and distress and he'd try to get away as fast as possible.
All I can really tell you is that I would have appreciated so much if my H had: a) backed me up in disciplining the kids, b) sat me down and made a cooperative financial plan/goals or any plan or goal for us both and followed through with it without offloading the responsibility off on me. c)told me what was really important him with getting my full attention, a physical touch and with affection.
As you said, we're waiting for you take control, but when you don't we feel we MUST step in. Someone has to take the reins and steer those runaway horses!
You can see if there are comparisons you recognise.
Hope that helps.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Replied to you from my phone a few days ago - sometimes that works sometimes it doesn't. (sorry if you get two replies) What attracts me to W? From her blues to her tiny feet she is beautiful without being intimidating, graceful in a goofy way, fun, adventurous, living in the moment. I love her laugh and smile. She is always "present", like the past and future just don't exist for her. She has a wonderful style - a way of talking, dressing, being that is unique. She is sarcastic and whip smart, instantly the center of attention. I'm also quite fond of the gray hairs she occasionlly finds as well. (Looking at this list it's almost like SHE is the one DBing.)
Many of these things I love about her are also symptoms of her upbringing and the same things that make things hard now. But that's sort of what you were getting at, wasn't it Sandi2?????
Thanks again. Really appreciate the tips. Going back to read your posts.
Can I ask you something about your situation, since ours are similar? If H had taken the lead and additional responsibility would you have felt relieved, or would it have been uncomfortable?
Just trying to do what works and don't know if I should do what my W says and take the lead or do what she clearly seems to want which is to go along.
