Pretty sure that my H is having a MLC. I think we are in the early stages of the Replay stage. I was hoping that he was just grieving really hard for his dad, but after this last year, I am not so sure.
Some of the changes in the last year:
He’s shaved his head for 10 years bc “hair is overrated” then grows it out. He knows that I don’t like it, but doesn’t seem to care. Buys an $80K Corvette Starts listening to rap and hip/hop Everything is my fault Feels like he has no say in his life Hates his job Has become very rigid Has distorted memories Sleeps all the time
Since New Years thing have quieted down significantly. He seems to be in a better place. Still sleeping a bunch and seems to be depressed. Also, I think that he reads into everyone’s motives. I am probably not wording this correctly. He thinks that everyone has a sneaky reason for doing things. This isn’t like him.
As for me, I have read through all the MLC resources and Cadet’s ultra brand new and improved links. I have to be honest and say that what I am learning makes my blood run cold. For the last year I have been so focused on trying to figure out what was wrong with him, that I have lost myself to some degree. I think for now, I am going to focus on my business and my kids. I need to let him be. I struggle with not being able to talk to him about us. I had always thought our marriage was a place where I was free to be myself. I have to get back to that. I have been so busy trying to fix his list of complaints that I haven’t taken care of me.
As for me, I have read through all the MLC resources and Cadet’s ultra brand new and improved links.
Thanks for letting me know this. Welcome to the board. Sorry you are here but you sound like you are headed in the right direction from your first post.
Ask lots of questions and someone should be able to answer.
I am glad you have read Cadet's list. Although it can be disturbing, the knowledge you will gain (you may have to read it more than once), is immensly helpful during this.
I am also very glad that you already realize that your focus needs to be on you and your kids.
Yes, this will rock you to the core as you try to fix the seemingly endless list of things that they tell you is wrong.
Instead of working on yourself to be "free to be yourself within the M", how about simply working on yourself so that you are free to be who you are....
I read your original thread.
You have been through quite a bit.
For now, let's not look at the stages, let's not look at 2-5 years (it really isn't accurate anyway) and let's work on trying to get you to a bit of a better place.
A place where you can figure out what is right and best for you, without all of the pressure of taking care of everyone else.
Let's work on learning how to lean on others a bit, this is the place to talk about all of those things that you have experienced.
You may be challenged, you may be asked a boatload of questions... Ok there is probably no "maybe"...
And I will start with this...
Did you forgive your MIL? Did you forgive your H for his "massage"? Did you forgive your FIL for standing behind his wife? Did you forgive your sister for the shame that she brought to the family?
Or did you simply move on with life, keeping the status quo and doing your best to be strong?
None of that stuff, was stuff you could control...
However, keeping the residual feelings inside, will eventually wear us out...
Until there is nothing left to give...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
"Instead of working on yourself to be "free to be yourself within the M", how about simply working on yourself so that you are free to be who you are...."
That's what I meant.
"Did you forgive your MIL? Did you forgive your H for his "massage"? Did you forgive your FIL for standing behind his wife? Did you forgive your sister for the shame that she brought to the family?"
MIL-Yes. That is an ongoing thing. My D16 still has issues with each stage of development. When someone is still in your life you sometimes have to forgive them repeatedly.
H-Yes. I have forgiven him. I'm not sure that he has forgiven himself.
FIL-Yes and No. We were at peace with each other when he died. I think I am more resentful now that my H is struggling so much with his passing. It's an easy out to blame him. I'm glad that you brought that up because I do need to work on that. IMO, he wasn't a very good person and I have to bite my tongue on a regular basis.
My sister-No. It's not the shame, it's the damage she did to her children, my children and my parents. I know that I need to. I am beginning to think she may have had an MLC as well.
OMgoodness you have been through the ringer haven't you? Welcome to the club no one asked to be in! Lots of good people here! Keep reading and asking questions!
CW
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
You really got me thinking. That’s always a good thing. Thank you SO much for responding to me.
The moment I hit submit on my last post, I thought to myself, “what am I so resentful of?”
I resent my h.
I resent the hell out of that dang vette. I have fantasies involving a sledge hammer and a key. That car note is so over the top.
I resent him for never dealing with these issues surrounding our D16 and his parents at the beginning.
I resent the things he has said to me in the last year and the way it made me feel.
I resent him for not getting himself help.
UGH!
When I was 19 I went into treatment for anorexia. It has been a lifelong journey of examining myself. I was in counseling for years. I was sexually abused by a much older cousin when I was only 3-4 years old. Unlike most people, I always remembered my abuse and it was quite severe. I had a date rape experience when I was 14 and then again at 18. My anorexia spiraled out of control. For me anorexia was not a perfection thing like it is for so many young women. It was about control. I couldn’t control my F’s drinking nor my M’s constant excuses for his behavior, but I could control what went in my mouth. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. You can quit smoking or drinking, but you have to learn how to eat and take care of yourself.
I have worked so hard to love myself and be comfortable in my own skin.
It really never stops.
I have taken Bible studies on women’s issues and spent the majority of my adult life looking at myself.
It’s very frustrating to watch someone sit in their garbage.
When I found out about my h’s massage, I went into counseling again for about 4 months. So much had happened at that point that I felt myself embracing that familiar cloak of victimhood. It was like a warm blanket that I could wrap around myself and know what to expect. It was a smelly, nasty blanket and I didn’t care for it so much any more.
It feels good that even with everything that’s happened in the last year, I still haven’t picked that one back up.
I do have a question. How does one deal with someone in MLC that doesn’t want to leave and still at home? Go about life as normal? Just focus on myself and the kids?
My goodness you are a refreshing breath of air around here.
Thank you for responding so openly and honestly without a bunch of bull to color it.
How do you deal with a live in?
That is a difficult question that doesn't have an easy answer. I too have a live in. There aren't too many of us, so it is a rarely talked about subject.
The short answer, find a place that you can make your sanctuary. A place where you can go, to scream, cry, be alone and be silent if that is what you want to do. It has helped me tremendously, especially in that early period.
The longer answer can be found in the reading of a few threads that I will try to link to one of them who had a few of us with live ins on it. You can click on some of the posters names to find their threads as well.
I had a live in for about 15 months post bomb. Like Cat said, find a sanctuary. Looking back, I would say that having a live in was much tougher for me.
The focus has to be on you and the kids. That doesn't mean you have to be rude or ignore him, but finding some kind of middle ground where you can talk like friends/housemates (whatever you want to call it) is hard.
With all that you've been through, it's easy to see that you have high tensile steel in your veins. Doesn't mean it won't be hard, but it does mean you have alot more power than you think.
