Not Counting Chickens Yet...

[hope2011]

1st Thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2124704&page=1

Me - 37, no kids, 2nd marriage
H - 43, 2 kids (SS 15, SS 15), 3rd marriage
T - 4 years
M - 2 years
Bomb #1 - 12/10
Bomb #2 - 1/11

Recap:

Whirlwind romance and then we got married. It immediately went downhill from there. We didn't live together before M, I was between job contracts, he was unemployed and lost it all during the mortgage crisis. Lots and lots of stress... not the best time to get married. We moved, twice, he's on his 3rd job in 2 years, the teenagers have hit the difficult stage. It's been hard and we didn't cope well together at all. We both have big mouths, he has a huge ego, I have insecurity issues, our disagreements would go from small to huge easily.

In December we had a huge fight, he asked for a D. By Christmas we were getting along great, having fun, talking a lot, etc. I thought we were ok. New Year's Eve weekend was horrible. He went from sweet on Christmas to couldn't care less about me by New Year's. January - I found out that we were "separated" according to him, by the 3rd I found out he had been active on a dating site since early December. I confronted him, he said that he wasn't active, hadn't even talked to anyone on there, just signed up out of anger. Within days I found out he was active - VERY active. I e-mailed all the MANY women he was e-mailing and told them he was married. Again, he asked for a D. He never met any of them in person or talked to them on the phone even (per their responses to me), but I was devastated. He said such nice things to them, completely strangers, that he hasn't said to me in a long time. He was adamant about the D, making plans to move, insurance changes, he wanted to move on with his life, he wasn't happy with me, considered himself single, etc.

I started DB after a few days. I cried, I prayed, I was a mess the first week I DB'd and did a lot of stuff wrong but I didn't yell and I kept my temper in check. I also read "Love and Respect" and "The Love Dare". I did a bunch of 180's, I worked on everything he had complained about, and I GAL. I've had my days of being so mad at him and hurt that I don't think I can ever forgive him or trust him again. My XH left me for an OW so I've been reliving a lot of that drama and it's been hard, even though the situations are not the same. I'm biting my tongue a lot but it's getting easier with each day. I have panic attacks and have lost quite a bit a weight the past month.

It's been a looooooong month but now, he's wearing his ring again, he's kind to me, we're talking, ML, laughing again, he's said he loves me and only me and doesn't want a D. We're definitely not separated anymore, he says he working on things too and I can see he's really trying. Last night at dinner I caught him looking at me and smiling... like he actually likes me. A look I haven't seen in a while.

We're piecing I guess but it's only been a few weeks since I found out about the dating site stuff so I hesitate to say "piecing". After the false security I felt in December, I don't trust myself to safely say "piecing". But I'm trying. I'm still DB'ing, still praying a lot, still scared the death the sky is going to fall again. Hoping time will take away the insecurity. Focusing on all the good stuff. I have the man I fell in love with back... I haven't seen him in 2 years.

New thread title.... didn't have a clue what to put. Was afraid to give it a positive title as I didn't want to jinx things. So I guess "Not Counting Chickens Yet" is as good a title as any.

[hope2011]

Today, I feel anxious. H is being great but something doesn't feel right. I'm terrified another bomb will drop. I can't stop thinking about December and how great Christmas was and how clueless I was. I don't know how to get past this.

[2stepboogie]

I think this is probably the biggest fear I have if W and I ever get back together. When is it going to happen next? The trust between the two of you will probably take some time to develop. Be patient and give it time, you are in the baby stage right now. Your feelings are perfectly normal I would imagine there is still some fear and lack of trust.

As you grow closer with each other and the trust begins to happen then you will be able to open up more and more but having the guard up has to be normal

[Denver_2010]

Today, I feel anxious. H is being great but something doesn't feel right. I'm terrified another bomb will drop. I can't stop thinking about December and how great Christmas was and how clueless I was. I don't know how to get past this.

Hope, I forget if you've mentioned this before, but would H agree to start some counseling with you? I think that if you had the right C, it would do wonders for the trust issues that you are having (justifiably btw). Plus, it sounds to me that your H could really benefit from it.

[hope2011]

Denver, we saw a really, really bad counselor a year ago who was supposed to be SBT but was only about talking about our faults and issues and no solutions. It was yelling and crying every session for all 6 sessions we went to. H won't go again. I wish he would, we both probably need IC and MC.

So yesterday was a not so good me lately. The boys have been disrespectful add rude to me lately. Last night I cooked dinner and needed help with 4 things cooking at once. H decided he needed to make a store run for steak sauce and took one of the boys with him. I asked the other to help and watch the grill and I got "I don't know how" (to watch something?) and he went upstairs. Then at dinner they both made comments about how the steak was burned. If they were my kids, they'd be eating cereal in their rooms after that comment. But they aren't my kids so I bite my tongue. H says nothing. They continue to make rude comments and then they talk about driving and how H let one (with a learner's permit) drive alone in the grocery store parking lot. Both vehicles in my name, on my insurance. If they wreck, it's on me. No one has any respect for that at all. When I asked if their mom had them on her insurance, I got another snide comment. I got upset and said "you don't have to drive my car on my insurance", to which 1 said, trying to be funny "I'll just run into a tree to drive up your insurance" along with a few other comments from the other about they have 2 houses and 2 families and I have no power. H just sat their and rolled his eyes - AT ME. Not the boys. No apologies from any of them. Nothing. I would NEVER allow my child to talk to him or any adult like that.

I don't know why I'm here. H tries to cheat on me, rolls his eyes at me. The boys talk back to me. Clearly, no one respects me in this house. I bust my butt trying to fit in, do what H needs, be there for the boys. And they can't even be kind to me.

H rolled his eyes again at me this morning when I commented on a movie on TV (an innocent comment, can't even remember what it was). We haven't ML in a few days and yesterday when I said ILY, I got no response. He's pulled away again.

What's changed? What's happening that I don't know about? I'm supposed to go a 5 day trip with him in 3 days. Maybe he's trying to get me not to go. I don't know.

I just know I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not having a family of my own but only a part of this one when one of them want something from me. I'm tired of tip-toeing, trying to make H happy when I don't think he cares about me at all. I don't think my best will ever be good enough and I don't think he even thinks I'm worth his least.

I'm afraid I'm on the path to being a WAW or he's about to be a WAH again. I'm scared he's on another dating site or flirting with some OW. He does not care about me as a person - he cares about how I make him feel about himself, if I make him happy, if I give him what he wants. I'm not important, I'm completely disposable. Is it too much to want my husband to love me? Just to say ILY once in a while first or to want to see me happy too.

Just a bad day.

[2stepboogie]

Oh man Hope I just read your post and I could of swore my W wrote it. This is exactly how she has described herself feeling. Now I would give a limb to have her back and stop this pain I am feeling on a daily basis.

I am 1000% sure H is not even aware of these feelings you are having, he might hear you he might even acknowledge them but he truly does not understand them.

I will never advocate to be a WAS based on the pain that I am feeling right now, I would not wish this on anyone at the same time the pain you are feeling is just as bad. Take some time here with my W I knew exactly when to approach to get the best reaction, after I awhile I just stop caring enough. The same could be true with your H. I think perhaps he should know how you are feeling the question becomes how you approach him when your M is in such a fragile stage.

Would love to hear a veteran here.

Just want to let you know that I am thinking of you.

[zengypsy]

Hope....

HUGS Girl! You know this is a roller coaster ride we didn't want to be on. You also know from reading DR that MLC'ers are drinking the kool aid; one minute they aer giving you a small window of hope and then they pull the rug out from under you again. You have DB'g experience so you know that you have to be cautiously optimistic.

My H when he was living at the house used to roll his eyes at me, things I said or did too. I would think it has to be pretty hard to maintain such levels of perfection 24/7 on their part don't you?!

I had my bad day yesterday. I feel good today even tho H called. I let him leave a msg again. Wasn't going to have him ruin my day.

You have to decide when you've had enough. Now is the time where it should be all about you. You need to take care of Hope.

Keep strong - we're all in your corner!

[WCW]

Hope, keep in mind that you need to stay steady and level regardless of what they are 'throwing' at you.

Their mood swing is not necessarily based on anything you did or did not do. Their mood swing should not make your mood swing.

You mentioned in your last thread about respect, and the book you are reading. That is a great book. Reminder that respect is not automatic, it is earned. The H I married had my total respect for the man he was then but when he went over the edge I could not respect him any longer. I was not proud of who he was and his behavior, I hated wearing clothing that supported his business and I stopped. That doesn't mean I ever stopped loving him but many days I had to look for it.

How can you earn repect from your H and your SS's?

[Denver_2010]

Oh man Hope I just read your post and I could of swore my W wrote it. This is exactly how she has described herself feeling. Now I would give a limb to have her back and stop this pain I am feeling on a daily basis.

I am 1000% sure H is not even aware of these feelings you are having, he might hear you he might even acknowledge them but he truly does not understand them.

I will never advocate to be a WAS based on the pain that I am feeling right now, I would not wish this on anyone at the same time the pain you are feeling is just as bad. Take some time here with my W I knew exactly when to approach to get the best reaction, after I awhile I just stop caring enough. The same could be true with your H. I think perhaps he should know how you are feeling the question becomes how you approach him when your M is in such a fragile stage.

Would love to hear a veteran here.

Just want to let you know that I am thinking of you.

I'm with 2Step... My W could've uttered those exact same words. I also agree that your H probably doesn't have a clue about how much pain he is causing you. I also think that you are still dealing with that angel/devil dynamic that we discussed earlier. One day the devil on one shoulder is controlling his behavior, the next, the angel... and back and forth. He still isn't sure about what he wants for his life... at least that is what is going on in his head. Again, your H sounds so much like me during the last 10 months that my W and I were together. He is having an internal battle. Unfortunately, this may go on for a very long time.

The best thing that my W could've done when I was like that, would be to do this:

Come over to me while I was relaxing... maybe begin to rub my back... tell me "honey, you know how much I love you, right?" or something like that... and then subtly transition into communicating how I was hurting her feelings.

Anger and defensiveness I think are the instinctual responses to how you are being treated, but they are not the most useful or productive reactions. Get my drift?

BITS
Denver

[hope2011]

WCW... earning respect. Right now I'm a pushover trying to DB. I'm not earning much respect.

Yesterday was better. I just steered clear of the boys most of the day to avoid any comments. Not a way to live in a house together though. I'm just trying to avoid conflict with them. H does not have my back so I'd be ganged up on, no matter if they are wrong or disrespectful. Right now, I can't handle it. Someone remind me why I want to stay? It will get better. It has to. H has to see the damage this is doing.

I can't talk to him about it right now. He's doing better but still fragile. Anything he can take as criticism would be very bad. He'd get defensive and not hear a word I say or care how I feel. It's all about H still. I know this is part of DB, but how long is all about the WAS?

WCW, I completely relate to what you said about respect. I married H because I respected him, more than I've respected any man. He was amazing. Then we got married and he turned into someone else. It's hard to respect someone who is negative, selfish, tries to cheat, criticizes me. When the chips were down, he didn't retain his integrity, he cracked. That's really hard for me to respect. But I'm trying. I do love him - the him he was. I'm trying to find out who is real - the H I married, or the H he turned into? But I'm learning to respect him for being a person, for being human. Looking for the good in him. Loving the good I find, trying to forgive the bad. Wishing he'd give me the same.

I think the hardest part is trying to forget all the stuff he said to those women on the dating site. How he called them beautiful and wonderful, how he respected what some of them did for a living. How he pursued them, so many of them and even made jokes about some of them being worth the chase. Thank God he never caught any of them. But it hurts so much. He hasn't called me beautiful or wonderful in so, so long. He hasn't pursued me in so long. Hasn't kissed me still. All those things he was willing to give away for free, to any woman willing to accept it. Literally, any woman willing to accept it. But here I am, his wife. The woman who loves him, who is fighting for him and our marriage and he won't give me any of those things. It really, really hurts.