I don't know how to fly the Space Shuttle

[Firstlove]

This is my first post on DB - it is the end of January 2011.

I am the H in a 33 year marriage that is now on the broken hill of separation. I am reading a number of DB books now, yes for the FIRST time, I am watching Michele's video on Marriage Breakthrough and I am in the middle of a DB Telephone coaching session with a very wise DB coach (thank-you). As I am heading towards the crash-heap of divorce at almost light-speed here I have a word picture that I would like to share with this forum.

I visualized that my marriage is like the Space Shuttle and I have been circling up in the cold darkness space for the last 33 years, thinking that I knew everything, that I was the "commander" who never having to learn anything new and was always "in control". Then the Space Shuttle started its downward journey to earth and I am crashing thru the atmosphere at 17,500 mph, headed towards the surface, and was in fact very much "out of control". I am in the pilot's seat, my wife is sitting beside me - not happy at all and in fact, extremely angry at me and very scared as to where she found herself after 33 years with the "Pilot" at the helm of her ship. We had just recently docked at the International Space Station and our two adult children have left the Shuttle and headed off to their own spaceships, embarking on their own individual amazing journeys thru the universe of life with their copies of the Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy being written by them. So now, its just me and my W in the empty nest Shuttle.

As the tip of the Shuttle begins to plummet and burn up in the atmosphere, I realize that the "auto-pilot" light has gone off because there actually IS no auto-pilot program for landing the Shuttle, because you ACTUALLY have to be a pilot and know what you are doing to both take the Shuttle thru the heat of re-entry and then AFTER you have gone thru the HEAT, and things have cooled down somewhat, you then actually have to KNOW the techniques and have the skill to land this thing safely.

Because I do not have the slightest clue on how to land the Space Shuttle, let alone fly it in space, my W knows that either burning up in re-entry or being obliterated in a devastating crash-landing is our only future, because I do not have any of the skills needed to bring our marriage Shuttle thru this crisis, and our ship, with both of us in it, is about to be destroyed, wiping us both off the planet -correction, we are already "off the planet", but you get my drift.

Coming to the full realization that I do not have any of the knowledge or skill to land the Shuttle and we are facing imminent destruction, my W heads for the escape hatch, puts on her Walk-away Astronaut suit and advises me that I am on my own, she has had enough. Not only does she say that she is punching the escape hatch of our crashing Shuttle, she actually does it, and leaves the Shuttle. She has left the Shuttle now for 4 months, going on 5, and is glad to be out of the chaos and crisis of living in a Shuttle being piloted by and idiot H (that would be me). As the Shuttle gets closer and closer to the ground, the heat shields beginning to break away because of the uncontrollable spinning of the nose, I call up my dear W on the interstellar cellphone or sub-space email system and say something brilliant like "Honey, I miss you terribly, I love you so much and please come back to this out of control Shuttle that is about to crash and burn, if you just get back into your co-pilot seat and strap yourself in, I am sure things will work out just fine and we will land safely. I don't know how that will happen, but, you know, just trust me - please come back.

The repeated messages I get by from my Walk-away Astronaut wife is essentially this. "Dear Know-it-all uninformed, foolish selfish wannabe Pilot, first of all you never treated me like a co-pilot, you always treated me like a lowly cabin servant doing the bidding at the commands of the Pilot - you never asked my advice on how the Shuttle should be flown or where it should go on its journey, you always made all the decisions, and I was merely a "passenger" on "your" Shuttle, so now that the ship is falling out of control and you want to save it, don't give me this last minute "Co-pilot" stuff - you never treated me as your co-pilot and I am not coming back into that seat only to share the "now" equal responsibility for the crash". "You think you are so smart and know it all, YOU land the Shuttle safely - good luck with that."

The interstellar chatter went on like this for several months after her pushing the eject button on the emergency escape pod.

"Ok OK OKKKKKKKK I admit it, I never treated you like an equal, I am sorry - I get that now, please forgive me, please come back to the Shuttle". "NO, I have ZERO interest getting into a crashing burning Shuttle with you, and I don't even want to talk about it with you because you don't have a CLUE what you are doing as the Pilot and I am not coming back for anything, I have a new ship that I am on now and it actually is a pretty nice ship, calm, safe and comfortable, I am actually able to breathe without fear now for the first time in a long time, I sleep well at night, I have friends coming over to my Shuttle that I never had before, and I see a future in my being my own Pilot of my own Shuttle, why would I leave that and come back to the out of control Shuttle you are the sole pilot of, and join you in the impending crash and destruction of it. Why would I do that ?"

"Uhhhhhhh, let me think, uhhhhhhh, well because, you have been in this burning Shuttle for 33 years with me, we did have some good times in it - see here are some pictures of us smiling and enjoying life in the Shuttle - remember - so that is why you should come back - oh and I love you and I need you - its lonely here in this about to crash Shuttle, I miss you terribly and I would like some company as we burn up in the atmosphere or crash land - when can I expect your return ? - if you like, I will come and get you and help you pack your bags to come back - I will even make a nice dinner, candles lit and have a bottle of wine for us to enjoy just before we blow up in a ball of fire. How does that sound to you ?"

THAT dear forum friends, is my word picture of the lovely offer that I have been giving to my dear W for the past 4 months since we separated and now living in separate Shuttles. And I, up until recently, had no idea why she was not rushing back to be at my side to continue the nightmare of our long-suffering journey. As she said to me recently - "Dear Pilot -I am done, I am over it - you are on your own - good luck with that and I don't even want to talk about it - stop sending me the long interstellar sub-space emails telling me why I am wrong for wanting to save my own life and how wonderful you are."

As I am reeling with the unmistakable reality of the insanity of my request for my dear W to return to the burning Shuttle, I looked around and luckily found the DB website and counseling services being offered. The first message I saw was this "EMERGENCY LAST MINUTE SPACE SHUTTLE LANDING INSTRUCTIONS AVAILABLE NOW - CALL THIS NUMBER IMMEDIATELY" Remember the famous line from that other "Busters" movie when they said "Who ya gonna call ?" - DIVORCE BUSTERS. So I picked up my interstellar cellphone, ordered a number of Space Shuttle Emergency Landing Instructions books and signed up for my first Phone Counseling Session, with a very experienced Astronaut.

On the first phone call with my Astronaut counselor, I am sure it sounded like "MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY !!!!! - I AM CRASHING, OUT OF CONTROL AND MY SHUTTLE IS ABOUT TO BURN UP IN THE ATMOSPHERE AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO PREVENT THAT- HELP HELP HELP !!!!!!!!- MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY" One of the first miracles of DB, is that in my screaming panic of certain pending doom, I heard the calm experienced voice of a seasoned expert Astronaut on the other end of the phone saying essentially this "Calm down sir, yes you are at the controls of an out-of-control Shuttle that is crashing, your "should have been" co-pilot W has left the scene of the carnage not ever returning as she said, and things are looking pretty dark, and hot for you right now - I get it." "OK OK OK so you get it -lovely for you - I am about to CRASH here, what do I do - I have never done this before and I don't have the slightest CLUE what I am doing - HELP - SOS -MAYDAY -or whatever I am supposed to be saying - what do I DO - where are the controls ????? - how do you land this thing?" I am sure that is what I sounded like on the phone.

Here is what I heard thru my panic.

"Ok Mr. Inexperienced Pilot who thought he knew it all, the first thing you need to do in the middle of this train-wreck Shuttle landing that has gone bad, is - SLOW DOWN !!!!!"

"Slow down, slow down, slow down - ok ok ok that sounds good - how do I slow down ???" "Uh- gently push on the brake, do not JAM it as hard as you can or you will start flipping out into deep space and even I cannot save you, just gently, very gently apply your foot to the brake, and slow down.

PERFECT ADVICE I am thinking, I feel better already knowing that SOMEONE out there knows how to both fly, and more importantly, save a crashing burning Space Shuttle. I begin to relax on the phone and start to have some hope for the future. With that hope, I then ask this question to my newly found Astronaut counselor.

"Ok I want to, as you say, slow down, how do I do that?" Answer: - "put your foot on the brake, its quite simple, but do it gently, no sudden "jerk" moves".

"Ok Ok just one question" "Sure shoot, what is your question?"

"Where is the brake ?"

I could just hear it in the silence of her voice as I am sure she was thinking "Oh boy, here we go again, this one's gonna take a lot of work, I wonder if he will listen"

Therefore, here I am at the beginning of this journey at the end of January 2011. I have bought several of the flight manuals written by Michele, who has landed many burning Shuttles that were destined for certain destruction, I have her videos and I have signed up for the DB "Astronaut in Crisis" Phone Coaching program. I seemed to have first found the brake on this complicated amazing beautiful and mysterious vehicle called marriage with the help of my phone counselor. My Shuttle is in fact "slowing down" as she said it would. THANK YOU FOR THAT !!!! - amazing what happens when you follow instructions.

Perhaps for the first time in my life, I am actually listening, and more importantly applying wise counsel to my life - what a strange and powerful concept change is. Why didn't someone think of this before now ? While I am still the ignorant inexperienced Pilot who was merely flying, literally by the "seat of his pants" for 33 years, I am going forward on this journey with both faith and hope.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"

My hope is this. Not if, but when, I apply the advice of my Phone Counselor Astronaut Coach, listen to the wisdom that Michele provides in her books, videos and other amazing divorce busting resources, that not only will I be blessed with a Shuttle that does not crash and burn, but rather will have one that will be pulled out of its death spiral out of control nose-dive to terra firma, and be turned into the amazingly safe, unbelievably exciting and stunningly beautiful spaceship it was designed to be by the greatest Designer ever - yes, that would be God.

In time, following the wise counsel of this Divorce Busting organization, it is my hope and prayer that my W of 33 years, who will always be the love of my life, will someday return and take her rightful place, not behind me, but beside me, as a true co-pilot of great value, wisdom and love, and that together, based upon what we learn here, will be able to write our own Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and we can jointly co-pilot this Shuttle to the stars on the continuation of the amazing journey that marriage can, and should, be. And at the end of our journey thru the cosmos, we will both end up, in heaven.

In hope and with faith and gratitude to Michele and her team at DB, I look forward to tomorrow in great anticipation.

Mr. Firstlove

[sandi2]

Welcome to the community. As you post and read other threads, you will quickly see that you are not alone. There are some wonderful people here who will be your support group.

If you have not read Michele's article on the WAW Syndrome, please do so b/c it explains how the W feels and will give you a better insight.

You are going to enter something similar to boot camp and it's not going to be much fun and you will want to go AWOL at times. Your strength will be tested to the max. However, if you stick to the plan then you will be more prepared to face what life throws at you.

I suggest that you leave your WAW alone. No contacting her in any form (unless it is a true emergency). If she calls or emails you, then keep your response nice and very limited.

Everything that comes from you is like tons of pressure on her. She has walls up all around her just to keep you out. Any contact by you is met with defense from her. No amount of begging, pleading, promises, etc. will do anything but turn her off more.

So, you are left with "you". Time to take a long look at yourself and decide what you need to improve. You need to GAL that does not include her. Time to take action in becoming an attractive male.

You see, you can't expect her to want to return based on the fact you have 33 yrs together. She is through with that. So you have to start over, in a sense, and become a man women find attractive and love to be with him.

How far are you from the man she married?

Set personal goals and make some detailed daily or weekly goals. You have to do this to help you stick with a plan and to stay focused.

[Firstlove]

Sandi2

Hey thanks for the reply and input, all good comments and advice for sure. During the first two months of separation your description of my WAW was spot on - she wanted 100% nothing to do with me, just reverberated with "LEAVE ME ALONE" - I had not found DB yet and did all the wrong things, continued to chase her and in fact "smother her" - 100% the WRONG WRONG WRONG thing to do. My only defense is if I were a smarter man in the first place, I would not be separated after 33 years of marriage, so my only defense is long term stupidity, which continued for the first two or three months of the separation.

You are also so correct on my GAL approach to life. I have been doing exactly that, hitting the gym a lot more than usual and amping up on my work-out program and enjoying that a lot actually. I am reconnecting with friends on a more regular basis, doing a lot more reading and getting involved a lot more with my church, so all of that is very good.

My desire is to become a more attractive man to my wife, and I am sure that is going to take a lot of time and effort. One of the challenges I must admit to is the loneliness of being separated. In my "circle of friends" its well known that I am separated and to be quite honest, I have been asked out by a number of women who "assume" that I am going to date because I am separated. Nothing could be further from the truth, no dates for me, and I don't care how long this takes or how frustrating it becomes, I am married and I am remaining faithful to my wife, irrespective of the fact that she has no interest in building a new marriage with me. I have decided to treat her like my best friend no matter how she treats me, and we will just see what happens.

I am not over there putting myself into her life, I have in fact "Let Go" and am doing only those things relative to contact that she asks me to. When she needs a favor done, I do it, and I do it gladly. The contact is very minimal and it may be two weeks between any contact whatsoever, and when there is contact, its for an hour at the most. So be it, she is in "control" of our interaction, not me. If she needs something she knows she can call me and I will be there for her.

You ask a good question of "how far am I from the man she married" - I am going to have to think about that before I answer it because that is an excellent question.

Thanks for the input and wise counsel- its greatly appreciated.

Mr. Firstlove

[Firstlove]

Sandi2

Hey thanks for the reply and input, all good comments and advice for sure. During the first two months of separation your description of my WAW was spot on - she wanted 100% nothing to do with me, just reverberated with "LEAVE ME ALONE" - I had not found DB yet and did all the wrong things, continued to chase her and in fact "smother her" - 100% the WRONG WRONG WRONG thing to do. My only defense is if I were a smarter man in the first place, I would not be separated after 33 years of marriage, so my only defense is long term stupidity, which continued for the first two or three months of the separation.

You are also so correct on my GAL approach to life. I have been doing exactly that, hitting the gym a lot more than usual and amping up on my work-out program and enjoying that a lot actually. I am reconnecting with friends on a more regular basis, doing a lot more reading and getting involved a lot more with my church, so all of that is very good.

My desire is to become a more attractive man to my wife, and I am sure that is going to take a lot of time and effort. One of the challenges I must admit to is the loneliness of being separated. In my "circle of friends" its well known that I am separated and to be quite honest, I have been asked out by a number of women who "assume" that I am going to date because I am separated. Nothing could be further from the truth, no dates for me, and I don't care how long this takes or how frustrating it becomes, I am married and I am remaining faithful to my wife, irrespective of the fact that she has no interest in building a new marriage with me. I have decided to treat her like my best friend no matter how she treats me, and we will just see what happens.

I am not over there putting myself into her life, I have in fact "Let Go" and am doing only those things relative to contact that she asks me to. When she needs a favor done, I do it, and I do it gladly. The contact is very minimal and it may be two weeks between any contact whatsoever, and when there is contact, its for an hour at the most. So be it, she is in "control" of our interaction, not me. If she needs something she knows she can call me and I will be there for her.

You ask a good question of "how far am I from the man she married" - I am going to have to think about that before I answer it because that is an excellent question.

Thanks for the input and wise counsel- its greatly appreciated.

Mr. Firstlove

[Firstlove]

Sandi2

I have given quite a bit of thought now to your very good question of "How far am I from the man she married" - and I would have to say that I am pretty much as far away from that man as Mars is from Venus - quite a distance.

The man she married 33 years ago both saw her and treated her daily like a precious gift from God in my life, I was a man who knew he had been blessed with this beautiful woman in my life and treated her with love, respect, admiration and friendship -THAT was the man she married. I believe she married me because her heart was connected to mine by the way I treated her and how secure she felt in my love, shown not by my words, but by my daily walk.

The man she separated from over four months ago was a man who treated her with total distain, disrespect, emotional bankruptcy and abandonment, distance, abuse thru silence, and constant lectures as to all the things that were wrong with her and how she needed to "fix" all of her shortcomings as seen from my selfish and ignorant perspective. The man she separated from four months ago was a man who exhibited much weakness in fear and shame in his own life, and took it out on his wife, and did that over many many many years of lonely days, distant nights and no hope for a future with abundance.

Does that answer your question ?

Mr. Firstlove

[sandi2]

I have decided to treat her like my best friend no matter how she treats me, and we will just see what happens.

I am not over there putting myself into her life, I have in fact "Let Go" and am doing only those things relative to contact that she asks me to. When she needs a favor done, I do it, and I do it gladly.

The problem with most WAW's is that they do not respect a man who will allow her to treat him in any fashion--and still hang around saying, "No matter how nasty you treat me, I will be around for any domestic problem you can use me". In most cases, women do not see that as attractive. They see it more as being a doormat.

WAW's respond more positive to men they can't use. They are drawn to the LBH who pulls back, detaches, moves forward in GAL without her.

If she needs an electrician, plumber, car mechanic.....or any handyman work, give her the number and tell her you've heard they do good work. But this woman wanted to live apart from you and therefore, she needs to learn to be independent and not to "use" you for her errand boy.

Would you really be a best friend to a person who did anything to you? I doubt it. And, who wants a friend who you could treat any old way and they would still want to be your best friend? That doesn't usually jive human nature.

By always hopping when she says frog, it will not appear to "her" that you've let go. See what I mean?

[InAPickle]

Okay, Sandi (don't mean to hijack this thread but a question).

My sitch is the exact opposite. W wants a "best friend" living like bro & sis while she pursues single life and OM. And the fact that I am not cooperating (doormatting) is driving her out the door. In fact she's aleady served me. I know I am doing the "right" thing, but according to DB principles it's clearly "not working" and increasing the chasm between us.

What do you think?

[WCW]

Hi FirstLove, you are a great writer and it was very interesting reading about your spaceship.

Two things -
1 - why are you taking 100% of the blame for a bad 33 marriage? if your W was living in hell for 33 years then shame on her for not stepping up and take the co pilot controls to help you and guide you to what she needed too.

2 - your whole post STILL sounds very controlling, and while it was very descriptive I never felt the impression that you were asking for help from this BB. There is a lot more Humble Pie waiting for you.

Before you stop doing tasks that your W asks you to do, did you do things like that before? I suggest a 180 from how it was.

[sandi2]

I don't think Michele says anything about staying in an open M when the S is not willing to stop an A and work with you in the MR. From what I read, when you have tried all that you know to do, and have given your S the time space needed..... and your S will not agree to end the A, then you file for D. Yes, she actually says that in the DR book. But of course, it's up to the LBS as to how long they want to continue in their stitch.

Your W wants to continue with the buddy-buddy system while she conducts her A. Life is easier for "her" that way. If you'll just go along and let her have her OM for her lover, and you for her best friend, then she gets the best of both worlds (she thinks)....known as cake eating.

You did not M her to be her brother. We don't get to be M...yet live like teenagers, or live the singles life and have an A while we live at home with no responsibilities.

Doing the right thing often causes people to leave. So, I believe we have to decide what keeps us from leaving....not them.

[Firstlove]

Hey all thanks for the replies and the input and advice, it is greatly appreciated. I hope to clarify a few things here if I might.

Sandi2 - I agree with you on the comments about not being a doormat - doormats are very unattractive when applied to people's personalities so if one is a doormat, get a life and a backbone I would say. No one knows anyone on here but I will say this, I believe that not one person who knows me would ever refer to me being a doormat - that is not who I am in the least. My approach to doing things as assistance for her is, in my opinion, taking a "servant's heart" and I believe there is great value in having a servant's heart. My comment about taking that approach irrespective of how she treats me may well sound "dorrmatish" and I get that, however I assure you a doormat I am not, I do hope however that I can be a giving and gracious servant when there is a good reason and cause to serve. When someone is in need, I choose to be of service when I can.

Also, I don't know where everyone got the idea that my wife is in an active and ongoing A and that I am merely doing things for her while she has the benefits of an OM in an A - this is not our case whatsoever, if I gave that impression I certainly did not mean to do that.

WCW, I will take your comment about my posts sounding very controlling as accurate, that is in fact a characteristic of mine and something that I am working on in a personal growth mode, obviously I am not "there" yet - most likely a long way off from that. You are correct that I was not asking anyone's advice on my first post, that was my way of saying hello by telling a story and a word picture of how I see the past and where I have got to in my life - sorry if that sounded controlling - not meant to be - guess I need to work on my writing skills. I do enjoy writing and from all the books I am reading these days, journaling is a good thing to do and this is a wonderful forum with people of like circumstances to journal where one finds one's heart and mind and where one is headed. Also you say that I have a lot of Humble Pie coming my way. Given the expansive taste testing of "Mr. Firstlove Humble Pie" that I have experienced, I now have a recipe book for Humble Pie that is about 1,000 pages long that I have personally written. If you would like an autographed copy of it, just let me know and I will get you a copy of it, the interactive recipe DVD is almost finished and will be available at your local pie stores soon and the movie is set to be released next year at Cannes - look for it at your local theaters. This is so exciting I have to pinch myself sometimes.

Also, if my post conveyed that I am assuming 100% of the responsibility for our failed marriage, I am not. Actually that is part of our "issue", the W has always maintained that I am in fact 100% responsible for all of our problems in our relationship and there is 0% wrong with her, and this is not an exaggeration, she has actually said that to me many times in the past, and she believes it.

The W has always claimed that I suffer from clinical depression and that the depression is only from a chemical imbalance in my brain and that the depression I suffer from has "caused" the void in our marriage. I say to her that the void in our marriage is extremely depressing and when nothing ever changes and one person says that all the problems are 100% the other person's fault, THAT in an of itself is EXTREMELY depressing when maintained over long periods of time, and so the "void" that that causes the circumstantial depressed feelings not the other way around. Its a tough downward spiraling circle to be in believe me.

Over 33 years, our approach to resolving marital discord is perfectly summarized in the words of an actual Kansas Railroad law that was written at the turn of the century. Here is how we have approached conflict resolution in our marriage.

"When two trains traveling in opposite directions come to a crossing at the same time, they must both come to a complete stop. Neither train can proceed until the other one is gone"

That was an actual law - not quite sure how that worked - but we adopted that in our approach to resolving difficulties - and believe me - that over time would make anyone depressed - including me.

So, in taking a very different approach and wanting to substantially change, I am here, seeking wise counsel and intelligent input from others that can relate.

Mr. Firstlove