Hi, Just want to tell you my story... Ive been married for 26yr, have 5 children, my wife has gone to a refuge for domestic abuse, this is the 4th time in under a year and the 7th time she has left in our marriage. She is there as i have been accused of controling, i have never raised a hand to her and believe me i never would. Im having councilling, my councilor knows me well (been there often enough !!)and has said im not controlling, my kids say the same, im lost. She had one affair 15 years ago and askedto come back, about 6 years ago got friendly with her friends brother, this wasnt an affair she says we only talked and snogged!!. That faded out, 2 years ago she wanted out, big arguement, i told her i couldnt cope with her, she broke down said it was to do with abuse as a child, so she had counciling and all seemed ok. We moved house away from where her father lived, we then after afew months started the controlling thing, this is the forth episode of this, refuge keep taking her back, last week i had a letter to say she has filed for divorce, that was on the same day shecame home for the weekend, that weekend she was loving , cuddly and wanted to make love which we did, she then went on to tell me that she only loved part of me and that she wants the marriage to end, she is trying to get her own place nearer to us all as at the moment the refuge is 60 miles away. We talk on facebook every night, if im late going on there she will text or ring asking where i am. She asks questions like have i a girlfriend yet, have i been out, reminds me that the bit she does love she loves loads, who am i talking to on facebook are they female, shes doing my head in...sorry but i need some help here....Kevc
Have a read of the different situations of men here with WAW. you will see some similarities.
About the 'controlling' thing. I think its a common perception or excuse from WAW about the LBH. They feel they have no control (or it was taken) so they leave the R. If they feel trapped of course they dont feel like they have choice or control. My W has told me similar things with no basis. How can a husband be controlling when they basically leave W do whatever they want with no question or affirmation? Ya, it doesnt make sense but the whole things doesnt make sense. If a WAW feels trapped its easy to point a finger at the husband, and they do.
Thats not to say that perhaps your behavior is subtly controlling. Hard to say really without knowing you (are you honest with yourself?) but i will take your post at face value.
Do you want to save your M? At this point its about employing DB techniques, GAL, 180's but look at yourself critically and see where you've been and where you would like to be as an individual. It sounds like your W has some serious issues to work out though, perhaps time is whats needed. Patience by you is key.
Thank you, I do love her and would like her back, but i think it cant be as before, im happy for her to go and have as much time as she needs, something is wrong i know but i feel i have no security at all. I want to GAL, i guess its the fear of what her reaction will be, i didnt speak to her one night, i nodded off as i hadnt been sleeping, she accused me of standing her up but in a joking kind of way but i can sense it was no joke, i wanted to end facebook chatting but then she said how else will i chat with you, my councilor said shes having her cake and eating it, guess that true, but i love talking to her, i dont say i love her, and im always kind and happy, if i said thats it no more chat i know she will say thats fine then, a day or two later my phone will start ringing and she will find an excuse to talk and get me back on there, maybe im not strong enough, may be its my fear of the ending...kevc
Two nights ago she sounded low, she admitted she was, then put it down to a bad day, last night she was a lot happier but said i was flat !! i had just decided that i needed to distance myself, i kept the talk to general things, no R talk, this is on facebook by the way not face to face, she said goodnight with a long row of xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx i just said night and went off line, this is so hard, am i acting in the right way...help....kevc
Kevc, I am probably the last person that should give advice. I will give you my opinion though, take it for what it's worth. I have a WAS/MLC spouse too. Today I decided I have to detach. Not contact him unless he contacts me first. Have no expectations of his behaviour. Listen respectfully and cheerfully to what he has to say,but keep my own mouth shut. Speak when spoken to. Just observe and document any interesting changes and not attach much significane to things unless there is a pattern being revealed. Not extend myself to him, and behave like we are in fact divorced.
I need to do this for my own emotional well being. It's too hard caring about someone that really doesn't care about you and in fact decided that the life you had together was a waste time and energy.
Your W and my H left for a reason. To get away from a situation or persons that were causing them pain and unhappiness as much as they believe that to be the truth.
Why inflict your unwanted attention on them?
Is this hard. Yes, better believe it. Is the alternative easier, no it's worse IMO. I am/ You're living for one moment to the next with your breath held wanting a positive response...any positive response. It usually doesn't happen or dissapoints you...or worse - lifts your spirits and then just as quickly dumps you into the pit of despair, doubt and misery all over again.
I believe you're doing ok with this approach.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Thank you so much for your reply, i let her contact me, and the last few days she has done so on a daily basis, sometimes twice. She now wants to come for the weekend which i have agreed to, in saying that she also said she is excited about coming and looking forward to a kiss and to hold me, oh and of course she still wants the divorce, forgive me please, what the hell is going on here, im lost......kevc
Well im on here as she sleeps upstairs, again she wanted to make love, hold me and kiss me, she asked what my plans are and i said i had considered moving near to my older daughter around 150 miles away, she didnt like that at all, she said she wouldnt be able to see the daughter that lives with me, and then she addmitted that it wasnt the case at all, she wanted me near incase after the divorce we got back together, she is still divorcing me and is due to compete the next step, i really need some expert advice here please as to how to handle this, thank you....kevc
We are here to help you brainstorm solution using the DB materials, but no one on this site is an expert. You have a difficult and unique situation here, and your best bet is to call an expert--either Michele or one of the DB coaches: 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435.
