Current situation is she lives in Colorado, immigration has me stuck in Canada thousands of miles away from her, waiting for her to file the paperwork to bring me home to her. She doesn't want me to come home. She doesn't want to complete the paperwork. She has decided she wants a divorce because she wants "True real me time. Time alone with just me and my kids".
Her primary love languages are Quality Time Together, and Physical Touch. She is also a nurse, and is tired of taking care of others. She wants a man who can take care of her.
I have failed her miserably on all counts. I have not provided for her financially, I don't do it for her physically, I am not around when she needs me...it is no wonder she wants out.
She says that she still loves me, but is not sure she's "in love" with me.
Despite all those heavy negatives, we have built a friendship like no other. She is truly my best friend and I believe that I am hers.
Right now we are both feeling angry and confused. Confusion / indecisiveness is a feeling we are both all too familiar with - each of us has been running that pattern for years.
But anger is something new for both us. Or rather something old and never quite expressed. In 4 years together we have only had one fight. But that is not as wonderful as it sounds. It means we have both been unwilling to fight with each other to be, do and have the things that we desire.
Now she has a taken stand - she has clearly stated she wants more. She has shown great respect for herself by showing us both that she deserves more and is no longer willing to settle for anything less than she deserves.
Of course that makes me love and adore her even more.
For now, it is enough that I have this new awareness, and that I have this forum in which to explore my feelings and become a better person. For me.
My wife is not without her faults. There are many things she still believes and does that continue to stand in the way of us living happily ever after together.
The good news is, I know I deserve better, too. It hurts to be without her. The thought of never being with her is devastating.
Things that annoy her are my financial irresponsibility. My forgetfulness / lack of awareness. My inability to satisfy her sexually in ways that she desires.
Putting it all on the table like this sounds like I am on a fool's errand here. Sounds like there really is no hope for us, and she is totally justified in wanting a divorce.
So now let's what I can do about it.
Mike
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Looking back over my previous post, I see that I "conveniently" forgot to mention that my insecurity drives her crazy.
My "story" has been that it is hard to feel secure when your wife removes her ring, tells you she wants a divorce, and says she is not committed.
But I realize that's just a cover up. That's just something I was telling myself to feel better.
The truth is I am often insecure and try to hide it in many different ways. No doubt that makes me appear unnatural, forced, unreliable, dispassionate, disconnected, weak, false, limp...yuck.
Read a tagline in somebody's post the other day that said I would rather be loathed for being who I am, than loved for being someone I am not.
I have tried to force and fake things with my wife in the past. That has not served either of us and has contributed to the challenges we have right now.
However, for the most part I am DBing very well and am optimistic about our chances. The stories I am telling myself about being weak, undeserving, unlovable, unreliable...it is all completely false.
What's true is I'm an amazing catch, and right now I am proving myself to be more committed to our marriage than my wife.
Today I have a coaching call with DBing coach Laurie, and then another one set up with Laurie and my wife on Friday, so we'll see where that leads.
Meanwhile, here's part of what we texted to each other late last night...
SHE: We don't have the passion and chemistry that I desire want and need, regardless of why.
ME: Do you feel we had it in Cancun (we were there together a couple of weeks ago)
SHE: No not like I'd like to. Closer than in the past but still not natural.
I know my wife wants quality time together. I know she wants a man who can take care of her physically and financially. I know she wants missionary style orgasms
In our four years together I have done a very poor job of providing these things to her. What I have done instead, is contributed to her own feelings of fear and doubt and insecurity.
It's no wonder she is now saying it doesn't feel like it is right or natural for us to be together.
This is simply a snapshot of where we are at right now. The past does not equal the future. Unless we continually focus on it.
I am doing an awesome job DBing.
Keep up the good work. Continue validating yourself and believing in yourself even when you stand alone.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Today I am very angry and this seems like as good as any place to admit it.
Right now I am furious with my wife. I am also angry with myself for being willing to take so much of all of this on myself, but when I allow myself to think about it I don't think I have ever been this angry in my life.
I trusted her and totally believed what she was saying when she made her vows.
Now it hasn't even been 6 months - and only 3 of them were we even able to be together and now she says that she wants out.
Loss and anger and betrayal and frustration beyond belief.
I am grateful to have a DB coaching session tomorrow because today there is a dark and lonely storm brewing up inside of me.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Just a couple questions. If after going/living together for 4 years, your W had to know what you were like and vice versa. Weren't these issues present before you got married? Did they just pop up in 6 months?
I hadn't been down to the WAW section in awhile so just noticed your response.
Not sure if you are still around, but yes, my wife was well aware of the challenges when we got married.
She said she believed things would change once we got married, but then after a couple of months I had to travel to another state to work for several weeks and that's when she decided I was done.
I was floored because before leaving I thought we had agreed, in fact we had even written it down as promises, that the first thing we would work on was our finances.
Now I've got the finances problem well on its way to being solved, and she won't even let me come back into the country to show her things are different.
She feels it is illegal to continue with immigration because she is now intending to get divorced.
She has not yet been in a place to hear that there is nothing illegal about completing the next step in the immigration process, which would at least allow me to come and visit her, and she can always still get her divorce 2 or 3 months from now once I am at least back in the states.
To my astonishment she is now listening to her friends who are saying all I want is a green card.
To me that is absurd.
Thanks for your question. Why do you ask?
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
