I'm here to be, do and have better in my life and for my wife.
We've been together just over 4 years. Met on eHarmony. It was not love at first site. In fact, our physical differences and appearances have always been something of a challenge for us. She is as big if not bigger than me, and I am smaller (in every physical regard) than she is used to. That has wreaked havoc with my ego and my ability to please her.
My insecurities, our ongoing immigration problems (she's 41, american, I'm 47, canadian), and my inability to provide steady income (partly due to being torn between two countries) have her feeling like she now wants a divorce.
We were married in september of 2011, did it at city hall, took 2 months of wishy-washiness before we decided to actually mail in the documents...and then practically as soon as it was done, I left to take advantage of a job opportinty 1000 miles away.
While I was gone she decided she'd had enough, that she has been worried about and dependent on (unreliable) men all her life, and now just wants some "True real me time. Just me and the kids."
To make matters worse, at Christmas I came back to Canada, and now immigration won't let me back into the country until my wife completes the paperwork.
She doesn't want to do that, because she says she has discovered she doesn't want to be married to anybody right now.
There is a lot more to it, of course, as I'm sure there is to your situation as well, but for now I am just determined to use this forum as a place to post my thoughts, and perhaps overcome my insecurities, rather than sending her countless texts and emails.
She and I just got back from spending a week in Cancun together, which came after her decision to get divorced, and she has also said she is open to speaking to a counselor, so I will be hiring one of Michelle's coaches for us as soon as I have the money...
So even though I did not come through and please her the way that I had hoped while we were on vacation, and even though I am still prone to insecurity, I am confident that if I am a good little divorce buster, my wife will indeed fall in love with me again.
That's all for now, as my impulse to text my wife has subsided, and I feel that I am safe again.
Cheers.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Busting - I am reposting 37 DB rules that I found extremely helpful when I first came to this board. Still do, in fact. I have read them countless times as a reminder. I still slip up, and you will too. Work hard at this and you have a chance to save M. If the M is not saved, you will come out of it a better person and with your integrity in tact. Also, I'd suggest reading Divorce Remedy if you haven't already. Here are 37 rules to get you started... Denver
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
This morning I am very grateful and glad to have the 37 rules that Denver posted.
Had I known them before, I would have certainly been following them. Even last night, I would not have texted her showing all kinds of praise and desire. I would have been more cool.
However, part of the challenge is that she feels I don't truly desire her (or maybe she is just feeling less desirable herself), and she has also expressed that I have been so distant, aloof, unavailable, gone...
I will now start following the rules and always "be there" for my wife - even though there is thousands of miles between us - without initiating, pleading, over-killing, selling, forcing or any of the other ineffective things I have often done in the past.
Last night I slipped a little, today I am being and doing better.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
2 small corrections in my first post. we were married sept 2010, not 2011. And, I want to be better in my life and WITH my wife. Not FOR my wife. might sound a bit anal, but for me it is important to be clear.
Ah. now I see the impulsive, compulsive, unbridled flow of speech that sometimes gets me in trouble.
Sometimes the worst thing you can do is say what's on your mind.
Don't believe everything you think, and certainly don't spew those unchecked thoughts out to your spouse.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
2 small corrections in my first post. we were married sept 2010, not 2011. And, I want to be better in my life and WITH my wife. Not FOR my wife. might sound a bit anal, but for me it is important to be clear.
Ah. now I see the impulsive, compulsive, unbridled flow of speech that sometimes gets me in trouble.
Sometimes the worst thing you can do is say what's on your mind.
Don't believe everything you think, and certainly don't spew those unchecked thoughts out to your spouse.
Remember your purpose. Remember what you are up to.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
