Wife has bascially decided to leave in June, after school lets out for summer vacation. We have been trying since last May to work things out.
Problem is that I never really saw the facts of her eaving until she finally told me on 2 January this year. We have continued with Marriage Couseling but she is admiment about June. I have made all the real changes and see what I need to do. I have not talked about our relationshio since last Monday in Marriage Counseling.
1) When is it ok to discuss? 2) Do I wait for her to briing it up? 3)I can wait for her to bring it up, but when she does, if it is about her leaving what do I respond with? 4) Do I ever say "I am/have changed don't you see the changes? Why can you not give me a real chance?"
Please advise me!
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
I'm sorry that you anxious about this. I see you have been given really great advice on your other threads. It's easier for folks to follow you if you stick to one thread.
Like sandi2 said--you are already discussing your marriage every week. You have had 18-21 years of as you describe, not treating her well. I know you have this June 'deadline' but you haven't been doing this long enough for her to see and believe real changes. Expect a month for every year of marriage. It might not take that long, but just expect that.
When she is talking just listen, she already knows you don't want the marriage to end, you don't need to state that. If you are asked, state your opinion briefly.
Don't go for the hugs etc, to her they feel selfish on your part. Question 4: Don't ask it. You will not like the answer. She gave you 18 years of a real chance. Show her.
Read everything about REAL GIVING. Treat her the way she wants to be treated, it's not necessarily about housework. It's not just about getting her a drink when you're getting one for yourself. Those things might be included, but it's about understanding HER definition of love, and treating her in that way.
What is your understanding of her definition of love?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Her defination of love is being true to ourselves. Accepting each other for what we are and treating each other true absult respect.
In her eyes I have never loved her and she questions if she ever loved me.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
I just want her know I really have seen the wrongs and am trying to make changes.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Don't tell her about changes let her see them. It will take time and patience and hopefully turn things around for you. Rome wasnt built in a day and your marriage didnt go south in a day. Give it time.
Thanks a ton. Just anxious! I am going to continue forward without talking bout relationship unless she chooses.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
I am hesitant to have THAT talk you suggested about having 4 and half months left. I see the positive in it but I am scared to accept verbally.
I suippose I have no choice really, I just have done really good with not talking about our relationship for the last 3 weeks and hate to bring this up and it take me backwards.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
This is what I said on your other thread (all these threads are confusing me... ) However, I changed a few of the words. This is my suggestion of a true "verbal" LRT....and it will be the only verbal message she's going to listen to.
Quote:
"I now realize that I'm not going to change your mind about getting D, so I've decided to stop talking about it. Since we don't have much time left together as a family, what do you think about us stopping the C sessions, stop fighting, and just relax and try to get through this as friends, instead of being each other's worst nightmare. We have just a little over 4 months left, so why don't we make the most of the time we have left? No strings attached, no pressures, no tricks, no games, and no expectations.......just friends for 4 months. Let's go out of this M with good memories to keep...and especially for the kids. What do you say?"
For a guy who is busting at the seams to talk, why on earth would you be hesitant about this? You replied with:
Quote:
I see the positive in it but I am scared to accept verbally.
What do you mean that you're afraid to accept verbally? You mean the date? Do you think by "saying" this that that will make the D come true? You need to stop being in denial and get with a plan that is positive. The C is not helping you two get where you need to be. Your W is using her time with the C as her justification in leaving the M.
Her heart is closed to any fixer ideas (especially R talk) of staying in the M. She will keep a wall up and treat you cold in order to discourage you from any hope. So, the first thing is to do something to get that wall down and to get her relaxed and feel that she can smile without you getting giddy thinking everything is honky-dorey.
Unless she believes this is some gimmick you are trying, then I believe she'll be willing to accept what you proposed. But, I think the first question she'll have for you is wanting to know if this means you will stop fighting against the D. And, you must be mentally ready to set her free and stop pulling on that rope you have tied to her.....or it's just all a waste of time. However, if you can agree, then she is going to feel so free and light....that her mood will be a lot better for everyone involved.
You tell me.....what other plan do you think would work better? Rehashing the same old stuff that gets the two of you into arguments and no ground is gained? That doesn't work. You think if you get permission to have the really big R talk then something magical will happen and she'll get her eyes open to what she's doing wrong and change her mind. You're dreaming, and your fear is overwhelming you.
When she dropped the bomb, she was through with any R talks. That might not be what she told the C, IDK, but I know a WAW is finished (in her mind) and talks won't cut it. The above example I gave is not to be used as an introductory into a long drawn out R talk. It's to be said in a short and matter-of-fact manner.
I wouldn't think it would be so hard to say this to her, but to live it for 4 months will be the test. But, if you or anyone else has a better idea.....I'm certainly interested in hearing it.
Quote:
I just have done really good with not talking about our relationship for the last 3 weeks and hate to bring this up and it take me backwards.
Again.....this is not to be a R talk. A R talk is what you want to stear away.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Let me start by saying the other thread is not letting me post anymore. Maybe 11 pages is all that is allowed? Not sure.
Now you advice, I will do this tonight. I understand what you say and truly appreciate your blunt words of advice.
Thank you very much.
This will be my goal this evening.
fingers crossed.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
) However, I changed a few of the words. This is my suggestion of a true "verbal" LRT....and it will be the only verbal message she's going to listen to.