girl, I'm so sorry you are aching. I think your type of situation is the wave of the future. The good news is--I don't think it's YOU, it may just be lifestyle/life pattern.
So many folks nowadays are just more comfortable with a different style of living, more travel, less traditional. And they feel smothered with the traditional. We have this expectation that if we don't get the traditional live in the same home, raise kids, together all evening, etc, that we've failed. But that isn't true. The two of you get to design your lifestyle.
I have struggled with it myself. At the end of the day what I really need is to know I'm loved. To have my partner be there for me often and when I need him. He and I were both married before. He has 4 kids, I have 2. One of his is special needs. We have two homes that won't sell soon. We live close enough to each other, we love each other dearly and intimately, and for a long time. We're together, but the details are a hot mess. We are completely committed, and we are working on making it more traditional, but we are not letting it stress us out and take a toll on our relationship, but we're OLDER and wise about that--and we've been broken up and got back together. We know we value each other.
Your details are a hot mess. Your H didn't come from traditional. You can work through this.
trust in yourself, your love and your own words
"anyway, i'm sorry to be back and the biggest lesson i learned from this, is that if you are given another chance..keep the changes going and pay attention to your situation."
namaste
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
thanks for all the support and please keep helping because i am trying not to read too much into these next things, but it is hard.... we have been spending days together, working on our new house (that he is now staying in while my son and i are with my parents) and he has dinner with us most every night then he goes home alone a few nights back, while he was alone, he called me 2x in 2 hours, for no specific reason just to tell me that the shower needed a good cleaning and that his back hurt the next morning he called early, just to say hi and plan our day later on he called and told me that he would be spending the next 2 nights with us (because there was going to be a severe snow storm and he wanted to be around) tonight will be the 2nd night he is staying and then tomorrow he leaves to play some shows for a week and a half (he is a singer in a rock band) he also called me a few times today at work help - because if i let myself go there, i will imagine he is having a change of heart but i guess he may just be tryint to be a good guy and do things right? confused and would love some guy (and girl) insight as always, thank you
Hi grr. So sorry that you find yourself here again. I thought I'd weigh in since you asked for a guy's perspective. Unfortunately, as you know, you are dealing with a WAH. Most likely, your H believes that he has made up his mind, that he is sure about his decision, about his feelings. But most likely, he is in a fog and is confused himself. He is helping you with the house bc he feels guilty and wants to do the right thing. I believe that this is his male instinct kicking in. The good thing though is that means that he does still care about you and son.
How old are you and H? That may help you get good advice.
I think that you ought to finish with the house and then go as dark as possible for a while. Begin to utilize the LRT. I'm assuming that you have read Divorce Remedy. If not, read it ASAP.
I hope that things turn around for you. Remember that there is always hope!
Denver_2010
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
thanks denver and you are right, he is just helping to take care of us. nothing more it's hard not to read into things when he calls so much tho' he is staying with us tonight and came into my room to talk i backslid and talked about the relationship and any fantasy i had about him having a change of heart was quickly quelled he told me he loves me but the feelings that he needs to sustain a marriage are gone and that he has no faith they could be rekindled i kept my cool and told him i understood and that i'm sure with time i would get to the same place he gave me a big hug and went to sleep in the other room to answer your question, we are both in our early forties (i, of course, look 15 years younger - ok at leat 10) he leaves tomorrow for a bunch of shows and that will make things a bit easier on some level for me ahhhhh suddenly i don't feel as cool as i did 5 minutes ago i feel like crying again oh well life goes on, doesn't it?
What would you say have caused him to have these feelings? Things that you have done, or is it something with him?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You need to try and stop backsliding in this way. You are putting pressure on him. there is only one response that you should expect when you do this right now... him being pushed farther away. YOU ARE NOT going to be able to change his mind. Only he can do that. You have to give him the space and the time to do it.
Go dark and resort to LRT as soon as you can.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hi Grr, havent been on here in a while, but i successfully DBd with my wife twice but am here again. Same thing with me, backslid into my old ways. Of course i try not to beat myself up over it as most people say, both people do play a part. Hardest thing now is we have a 23 month old boy. I think of him everyday. When i ask for extra time, i am accused of being selfish. Which i really do not understand. But just keep working on yourself is really all you can do and like you said once you change, keep monitor those changes so you do not backslide as you said....
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
hi ruikee i'm so sorry you are back here....but if you did it twice then maybe the third times a charm? i hope so the hardest thing is the kids we have a nine year old son who loves nothing more than to be with both of us and give "family hugs" heartbreaking some people say children are not a good enough reason, but i think, unless there is abuse, children are a perfectly valid reason for leaving no stone unturned when trying to fix things my husband is leaving for a week on the road and i'm scared that he is going to act like a single guy (although he tells me this is not about that) i just feel like when he returns home things will have progressed for him and he will have moved on further ruikee, i will read about your sitch and thanks for the support i hope you have a great day
hey denver... thanks, i really needed to hear that he is away for a week (which on many levels helps, it makes everything seem a bit more normal, as he travels for work and is away more than half the time) so it would be a good time to start the process over i have been backsliding way too much and tho he is willing to talk, i know that it just aggravates him and does put pressure on him i am looking for a answer he is not prepared to give i needed that cold water wake up and appreciate it it is hard, however, to think of him out on the road, wondering if he is going to act like a "single guy" but i cant do anything about what he does, can i? thanks again denver...
"What would you say have caused him to have these feelings? Things that you have done, or is it something with him?" sorry denver, do you mean the feelings of not being able to sustain this marriage? i guess, it's from both of us he is from a very nonconventional family (mom left them, dad married 5 times, he left home at 17) while i am from the never been divorced, parents still together kind. i know i have taken our things for granted, as he has because of the nature of our careers, we are not together all the time...which actually suits both of us but we do not take the time to reconnect when he gets off the road when he gets home, i usually take more work we also help take care of my parents and stay with them (even tho we have our own place) he has taken great pride in that and is amazing with them but it has not helped our relationship THE BIG THING THO - according to him, is that when i get really frustrated with him - i tell him "if you want a divorce, you can have it - i am not going to fight you" he keeps going back to that and while to me they are just words i don't mean, they may have done serious damage..or that can be just an excuse he needs i don't know
