MJ, my advice was a response to the part where you detailed how you were in the basement working out and she did not say "hi" or acknowledge you. That is what I was talking about.
I thought you had already moved back in. I knew you were planning on it and thought it had already happened. My bad, dude. Well, my advice still stands. Try it when you move back in if that happens at all.
I am still here for you, my man. Keep that head up!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
MJ - Just saw your post on FOBD's thread. How are you doing man?
When you have time, give us a detailed update. I know that you said not much is happening, but I'm guessing that you have some stuff to say...
Try to stay in the loop man!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
2step, I have been looking for me, too. I just don't really know what to say.
I guess one thing did happen today. My W called me this AM about a small gift bag she put together for each of my girls for V-day. She asked me if I wanted her to wait for me to give them to her. Not sure what to think about it. I guess it is positive, right? She also asked me if I had told my D7 if I had said anything to her about me moving back in. My D7 has been asking me when I am coming home for good and she apparently has been asking my W, too. The thing is, if I do move back, I may just move back out when I get a job and can afford my own place. I don't really know what I should do.
My W kind of hinted that we need to chat before we tell my girls about me coming back. I will be at my house this week because W is going out of town for business. She leaves Tuesday and next weekend is my weekend at the house with the girls, so this will be the longest I can 'go dark' from my wife since I won't see her from tomorrow morning until next Monday morning. Other than that, I've really got nothing else to add, other than my fear of my W showing signs of indifference.
I feel like I am in such a state of purgatory with everything still. I have no real reason to think a conversation about me moving back in the house will be anything more than just discussing logistics.
I still am bothered by the whole situation with my FIL a few weeks back. As a refresher, he called and threatened to kill me and told me his advice to my W is to run from my M over an interview I gave on local news about a psycho XH of my neighbor who broke into their house and vandalized it. My FIL was worried about retribution from the XH on my W and kids. Unwarranted, of course. I feel like I need to try and diffuse the situation. In the past he has always apologized for his past overreactions to situations. I am not the kind of person who can just let something like this linger. I feel like I need to either talk to my MIL or FIL about it.
The last thing I want to address is the apparent indifference of my W. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, right? Well, I feel like I have been getting a whole lot of indifference. The longer things go on, the more that indifference is going to build. I have no idea how to go about breaking down her indifference wall. Do I move out completely on my own when I get a chance? How does going dark help the sitch when indifference has set in? Will me moving out and taking the kids every other week change that dynamic? I try to engage her with small talk but she just responds with one word answers. I think back and we had drifted so far apart that we had stopped talking about things. I don't know how to start engaging her in any type of friendly conversation. She just won't go there.
B.I.T.S. and S.I.T.S., I really need some help. I am stuck. I feel like if I don't do something soon, if its not already too late, the indifference is going to lead her to moving forward with things.
I don't want to mention anything about my job sitch since when I have before, I ended up jinxing myself.
B.I.T.S.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
I am glad you are still here. I spent a good 30 minutes looking for your thread before and couldn't find it. I was glad when Denver did for me. I see your sitch in a couple of ways, so I will warn you now that you might feel like some 2x4's are getting thrown your way.
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My W called me this AM about a small gift bag she put together for each of my girls for V-day. She asked me if I wanted her to wait for me to give them to her. Not sure what to think about it.
Why are you spending good energy in trying to figure out what to make of the request? Look MJ I know about the job thing, that must weigh on you very heavy. I've been there I think I've told you, but if you are depressed about the job and depressed about the M I doubt you are showing yourself in a positive light. I know this sounds like I am asking you to stop breathing but it is absolutely essential. Positive people radiate positive energy and people like that are hard to keep away. In the midst of everything that is going on if you show your W that you are positively excited about just living you’re telling me she will look at you with disgust? No way! At first she might. Then she will think it is an act. Then she will get curious as to why your life is so great. Then you start to make small progress.
I've been to dinner with a female friend of mine (she is in a relationship and we work together) and this girl is all smiles all the time. She knows I am going through hell right now but she is so positive I just have a really good time with her. She is infectious. Try it.
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My W kind of hinted that we need to chat before we tell my girls about me coming back
Great opportunity here, don't waste it. Look I see every interaction with my W as a chance to let her know she is leaving a great guy. Not because I tell her but because I really listen to her and try and validate. Will I succeed? Some on here seem to think so, I don't know, but who cares! If she goes through with the D I have but one goal. To make her believe that she is leaving a great guy!!
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I still am bothered by the whole situation with my FIL a few weeks back.
I remember the story well about your FIL. If you are going to apologize to him then do it. Keep it short and keep it pleasant. I don't know the guy but I doubt that if you go to him and just tell him you wanted to apologize for what happened and you come across as sincere and don't defend yourself that he will try and kill you. It's hard to attack an unarmed man.
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The last thing I want to address is the apparent indifference of my W.
I look at the indifference as another self defense emotion. If they don't care then they are validating their own feelings. Again I don't know why I see your sitch so much clearer than I see mine.
Concentrate on the positive things
1. You get to see your D's 2. You live in close proximity to your kids and W 3. You still get to come over and work out and hang at the house 4. You still SEE your W
I would give up a testacle for my W to be close. My M would have been saved I know for sure if my W would of moved out and gotten an apt in Jersey. I have 0 doubt. Use your advantage and don't defeat yourself.
How many testicles do you have 2Step?! You're giving them out like they're candy at Halloween! LOL...
MJ - 2Step is 100% dead on here about everything that he said.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I know what you are saying about conveying myself in a positive way and I think I do a pretty good job of it. I am extremely outward in my love and affection towards my kids when I am around. She has to see that. I try and stay positive when talking about my job opportunities, however, she has burst my bubble on more than one occasion commenting something to the effect that I keep talking about getting a certain job when I tell her I think I am close to getting job. I am just trying to be optimistic and she views it as me making empty promises. Its kind of deflating when I don't get her support and instead I get her comments of I've heard that before. What the hell am I supposed to do. I suppose it is hard for me to really know how positive I am coming across.
Over my dead body will I apologize to my FIL. I have nothing to apologize for. I want to find out what the F was behind his tirade and just clear the air and show him I want to smooth things out. Apology from me...F NO!
I just want to get out of this f'in rut of not working and not having any self worth!!!!!
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
2step, I hope you don't mind, but I am going to pass on the offer for a testicle. HA!
MJ, good to hear from you. Please listen to 2step, he seems to be the Jedi Master of this stuff right now. I would give you some advice, but the last couple of days have been rough and I am probably not the one you should be listening to right now. Unfortunately, I am very deeply rooted in a "defeated" attitude right now and you should not spend a whole lot of time with me. None the less, I do want to wish you luck and tell you to continue the fight for now. Take to heart what you are told here. It can work. Look how far Lost and 2step have gotten using these methods.
Keep your head up, buddy! Look at your moving back in as a chance to do some face-to-face DB'ing. Many of us here would kill to be in the same house with our spouse.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
. Not really. If she is not viewing you in a positive light she doesn't have to see anything. You are outward happy with your D's because they are your D's not prove to your W that you are a great father. You just are. If she see's it great, if not, her problem.
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I try and stay positive when talking about my job opportunities, however, she has burst my bubble on more than one occasion commenting something to the effect that I keep talking about getting a certain job when I tell her I think I am close to getting job.
They are empty promises to her. You say you are going to get it and it falls through. What are they in her mind? You want my suggestion. Don't say sh!t. Don't talk about the interview, don't talk about the appt, you know when you tell her? When you have it!
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Its kind of deflating when I don't get her support and instead I get her comments of I've heard that before.
Support? You want support? From a WAS? MJ you are much too smart to expect any support at this point. You are looking for an olive branch when there isn't one to find. You have to create opportunity not wait for her to give you a sign.
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I suppose it is hard for me to really know how positive I am coming across.
I can only go by your post but I doubt with all the BS going on in your life right now you are walking around like a leprechaun tripping on acid on his way to a Bob Marley concert. Your attitude I believe is 90% of this.
