Need ideas.

[Harrier]

Hello,

I think it's fair to say that I am in piecing. My W is working on the marriage. She has told me that she thinks it can be good again and is very optimistic overall.

What is the problem, then? You might ask.

The problem is me. I am finding I am my own worst enemy in this process. I am making a lot of stupid mistakes because of things like thinking I know what my W is thinking, not being patient with the process and getting mad over little things.

There was a time when I thought I knew much more than this board and the DB process. A time when I thought I was too good to take advice. I am humbled and scared that I am going to mess this up.

I think much of it has to do with the fact that I didn't DB all that long before my W decided to take divorce off the table. I never got into good DB habits that would help me in piecing.

I assume most of you with really tough situations would want to strangle me now or hit me literally with a 2x4. You guys are the ones that really get it and I admire you for that.

Now I need your help.

What are things you do to help yourself?

The only thing I was doing was making vague and unrealistic long term goals like "have no fights for a week." Which I would break.

So I have decided to do the following.
1. Have daily goals
2. Have concrete weekly goals.
3. Do a daily affirmation, in front of them mirror

I need some other ideas and maybe techniques for dealing with thing when the get overwhelming. I'd appreciate it.

Of course you can still curse at me if you want.

[hope2011]

Harrier, don't kick yourself. You must be doing something right if she's piecing and optimistic!!! Your goals look great but "no fights for a week" doesn't sound unrealistic or vague at all. They are focused, something you can clearly accomplish.

What are you getting overwhelmed with exactly?

[saffie]

Piecing is quite different from the previous stage. Why don't you try posting in the piecing forum and see what sort of advice you get there.

Personally, I have found that piecing goes on forever in order to keep your M healthy and also it is something you BOTH have to be actively participating in....it is not a one person thing IMO.

[Sad_but_happy]

Harrier,

Even though you and I agree to disagree on many things, I believe we can still help one another.

I will be honest and say that I have been VERY successful so far. Had a great night last night. Let me tell you where I was and where I am now... And how I got here...


Here is what my W said/did to me and what I found snooping in the first 45 days after the IDLYA...

1. Completely cold all the time.

2. Said, "we are no longer a couple."

3. Slept as far on the bed from me as possible.

4. Was looking on the Internet for a new place (My Snooping).

5. Found a letter addressed to me outlining how she found her "solemate" and found happiness and she could/will never find with me (she never sent it but it was all set to go).

6. Found a letter to OM outlining her desire to be with him, travel with him and complimenting him on his looks (nothing dirty, just that she was attracted - She never sent it).

7. Found texts to her IC outlining that I was no longer the one for her. That I remind her of a person that has always made her feel bad about herself.

8. Found texts to her IC stating how the pain of losing OM is so intense and how she can't bare to live w/o him.

8. No kissing, hugging, ML.

And sooooooo much more...



Where I am now...

1. Sleep facing each other and holding one another close. This was a progression from being far apart in bed, to moving closer, to light touches of feet and back to spooning to her facing me and holding one another close. Took about 70 days.

2. Kissing and hugging one another several times a day. This was a progression from no kissing, to moving closer, kissing on the forehead to kissing on the cheek to kissing on the lips. Took about 70 days.

3. Reading relationship books. I can't take credit for this one. Her IC told her to do it. I did ask if we could read together. Bad DB I know but turns out she loves it. She always makes sure I read to her every night.

4. We now have a standing date every two weeks.

5. I surprise her with little notes every now and then. Nothing pursuing. Leaving a note in her car saying, "have a nice day" or "enjoy work".

6. I surprise her with little gifts every now and then. Nothing pursuing. Just a book or a small token. Or her favorit soup brought to her at work. Thoughtful things. Oh and do it in places where there are other women. Cause when everyone says, "oh, he's so sweet", you W will love it. Maybe not at first but women love attention and she WILL love it soon.



How I got here?

I am convinced that we would be physically S if I didn't back off. She stopped respecting me completely.

1. I decided I would not fight with her, not yell, not make wise ass comments, not be a smart ass, etc...

2. I decided I would help more around the house, with the kids, make the bed, bring her drink in the morning, help with school lunches, etc.

3. I decided I would give her space to think and to work things out.

4. I decided that when I WAS with her in a social setting I compliment her, build up her self-esteem. Not to the point of being a kiss ass but just enough so she felt special.

5. I decided to use non-sexual touch. Squeezing her shoulder while walking by. Touching her arm or leg while talking.

6. I decided to listen to her. I mean REALLY listen. When she started to talk I mute or turn off the TV, or put my book down, or turn down the radio.

7. I decided to validate every one of her issues. I don't always agree but I always validate. If I don't agree, we discuss.

8. I decided to no longer say "I love you". In fact we still don't. But I always sign things by saying, "Love, me", or "with love, me"...

9. I decided that when I'm home I was doing things that most women respect (not just watching TV - something I did all the time before). Things like fixing or painting or reading, etc.


My W used to say, "let's take the TV out of the room so we can talk more and our bedroom can be a quiet place to retreat to." I was always against that and would NEVER respect that need/request of hers. Guess what? The TV has been out of the room for about 90 days and it's the best thing I ever did!

Sorry I am rambling. There are just too many positive changes to mention. And I want to see EVERYONE on this board make it.

The most important thing I have learned is that I love my W more then life. Six months ago I would have traded her for a McDonalds Cheese Burger, but not now, and not ever again. Today I would lay down my life for her. It's an awesome feeling.

So in closing I'm not sure I did everything right but I did what has worked so far for me.

And I am truly hoping you see success Harrier. I can read how much you love your W. It shows. Good luck.

[Harrier]

SBH,

I guess i wasn't as clear as I thought.

I understand what to do. I really do. I don't always agree on this, but my question is not what to do, it's how you do it.

Things like giving space, helping around the house/taking care of kdis are easy to do. (Actually I didn't help more around the house/take care of kids because it was already a 50-50 split)

I know one way you handle things is you vent on here, but I can't believe that you never got mad or upset in person during the process. Did you have a technique for not letting it show or come out other than just not letting it? That's the kinda things I'm looking for.

[tjack45]

Not getting mad about her ea or just everyday life? I guess my best advice might be to put a rubber band on your wrist.. Be aware of what you are about to do or say and whether or not it will get the result you want.... If it's a bad idea then snap yourself.... I guess this is a way to "train" yourself in productive behavior. IDK if that answers your question, but it sure helped me getting over my Divorce. Deep down I knew that I did everything possible (despite completely letting go), so every time I wasn't thinking in a positive manner...snap.. it helps!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Harrier,

When I would start to get upset and I could see the conversation start to go badly, I could visualize two paths. One was the bad conversation and while it would feel good to stomp down, it wasn't the one I usually wanted because of all the work we had both put in.

The other path required me to pull back and talk gently, readdress things.

Doing that, to be able to actually see where the conversation would likely lead, took some time. Still happens sometimes.

Oh I got upset and mad alot, but were my emotions driving me? Or was I in control of my emotions?

Something I still do and hopefully never forget to do, is to do something, say something, show her something that reminds her everyday of why she loves me. Yeah...I know that is sooo Hallmark Expersions its hurting your sweet tooth, but it works for me.

[Sad_but_happy]

Harrier,

I guess I never really got "mad" I was more hurt. The anger does come and go at times but I rationalize my part in her leaving me emotionally. So I am able to keep it in check. So I really don't get angry.

I have to say also that my W has been awesome. Once I set the boundary she really stopped seeing/talking/emailing/texting OM. And OM has left my W alone telling her that he does not want to break up a family. And he has stayed away completely. So I guess it's easier for me in that regard cause my W is responding positively every day. When W is positive I am positive.

I can imagine how I would feel if W was still angry or cold or distant or seeing OM. I would be a mess. That's why I feel so bad for so many of the posters here. They are doing everything they can with very little positive reaction from S.

I backslid one time on Christmas Eve after waaaaaaay too much drinking. Told her I was lonely and missed her. Kinda freaked her out (that's what she told me the next day). But she really didn't hold it against me.

My key in the past 70 days has been to think before opening my mouth. I NEVER open my mouth without thinking. And I no longer yell ever! Yelling serves no purpose. I am calm when I talk to W even when she is being unreasonable. On one occasion when my W has being angry, I was calm and talked her off the ledge instead of lashing out. Later that night she said it meant a lot to her that I didn't get mad. She said sorry. Do you think that would have happened if I lashed out? Nope!

You really can catch more flies with honey then with vinegar.

We all know it but for some reason don't live it. I decided to live it.

[Harrier]

Sbh

How do you enforce the boundaries about OM?

Do you check on her with her knowledge? Do you have full access to her communication methods? Or do you just go on faith?

[Sad_but_happy]

Not Faith Harrier... Not yet! She broke my trust.

So what do I do?

1. I check the cell phone records.

2. I check her phone to see the internet history to see if she logged into secret email account.

3. I check her texts (which coincide with the phone records).

4. I drive by her work to make sure she is there.

5. I call her in the middle of the day when I get anxious.

6. I've had a key logger for months. I have found NOTHING!


All these practices are getting less and less as the days pass. Also, keep in mind that she is warm to me and more and more affectionate. I don't believe she would be that way if she was getting more attached to OM.

I do none of this with her knowlege. She has no idea. I believe if I asked her permission and kept doing it she would get tired of me not trusting her. Obviously she should expect me not to trust but it does add pressure if you continually don't trust. So why tell her?

I understand that this is no way yo live, but I need to make sure my boundaries are being respected. Today was my best day since the bomb cause not only is she saying that she wants to work it out, she is really showing it. And I feel the trust being restored.

Could she get a Trac Phone or log in somewhere else? Sure. But I can't control everything...