I'm quite new and not too sure where to post my questions so I hope I got it right. I have posted my story in another thread.
I have some burning questions and was hoping for some answers.
My H has left from one day to the next 4 months ago. Hasn't been home since. Whenever we've seen each other to talk about us and the marriage, I got quite emotional, cried a lot, asked him for another chance, promised to change etc etc.
He obviously wasn't interested.
The more time went by and the more time I had to read on MLC and see things a bit clearer, the more I understand how my behaviour is not helping.
I saw him on Tuesday for another chat. After that, I emailed him to say that "I was now ok with the separation and I just wanted him to know that" and that "we can now both get on with our lives"
I did that after reading in the forum and realising that I can't continue to beg and cry.
I also said that "if he wanted to see me for dinner some time or just for a chat, not about 'us' but just as friends then he would know where to find me"
I am now TERRIFIED that I've made a mistake. It feels like I'm letting him go when all I want is to hold him tight. It feels like I'm giving him any excuse to do what he wants. I'm so scared. As far as I know there is no OW yet (just major issues re his adult daughter) but I wouldn't be surprised if that came next.
It just all feels so wrong. I would love to get some feedback on this. Thank you.
ps. I should also say I haven't had a reply from him to my email where normally he replies real quick.
Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is such a hard thing to deal with. With out knowing who hurt who initially, it hard to say what he is thinking. I know from what I am going through, I just stay on top of myself and stay happy. I went through a period of wearing my emotions to the point it was driving her crazy, and annoying the both of us. So I stopped talking about the relationship, asked her on a date and listened. I was never good at listening to her, but I am now.
I try to stay away from technology when dealing with this, it made me worry to much. Too many kine of communication to fret about. I hope you the best.
September Sorry for your pain we have been there and we know how hard this is a few suggestions and ideas You did fine..telling him ytou were ok with the seperation He is going to do what he wants with or without your permission now its time to let go and take care of you therapy is very helpful reading spirituality finding a support group or talking to women who have gone thru this and there are a lot of them out there make sure you watch the finanaces credit cards ect they spent a lot and will go into debt in MLC easily I saw a lawyer early on not to file but just for advice My xh also took money out of joint bank accounts ect so be cautious any interactions with H make pleasant no nagging no r talks no crying begging ect try to support him and create a friedship and at the same time create new friends and activites for u MLC Takes a long time and you will not know at this point what he will do so let him find his way and you find yours we are here for u peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
As far as I can tell from your post above, you are doing the right thing, and yes, it feels very wrong, but that's the mantra of MWD's book. The 180's. What "feels right" never seems to work in these situations. You have to do the opposite. Detachment and sticking to it is very hard. Just keep posting and talking to everyone here who will support you through it. (((HUGS)))
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I am after some clarification on the subject .. the 'staying friends' issue and the detaching... it confuses me a little.
so, after I'd said to him that I was now ok with us being separated, he replied saying he felt that was the best thing to do, and in reply to me saying "if he wanted to see me for dinner some time or just for a chat, not about 'us' but just as friends then he would know where to find me" - he said, "yes, I would like that, let me know a few dates next week when you are free"
to be honest, I didn't expect him to say that, and so quickly too, I was thinking more like "in a month or so" but I am now unsure about what to do -
do I meet up with him as friends and 'pretend' everything is fine or do I 'detach' and just not get in touch with him anymore??
I'm confused as I read in another post about MLC that we should always try to be friends with the mlc'ler and be kind to them - at the same time, I feel like I want to say to him 'you didn't want me in your life anymore so you can't have me'
does this make sense? I'm totally 50/50 about what to do next. I feel he's confused and lost and I want to help him, after all I do love him dearly, but I don't want to give him the chance to 'have the cake and eat it too' - get all his freedom to do whatever he wants but still have me in his life...
Either staying friends or detaching is about what you as the LBS can handle. They say the MLCer does remember how they were treated while in the tunnel.
I believe the problem with 'staying friends' is that there is a bigger chance for the MLCer to cake eat. That said, you know your H best. Would you be able to set and enforce boundaries for yourself that would prevent you from being used as a doormat? By this I mean that you don't want your H having the best of both worlds, you and the freedom to do whatever he wants.
Detaching is to protect you from the being whipped around on the roller coaster that your H is presently on. It gives you time to center yourself and to figure out what you want. It also gives your H time to miss you. It shows him what life is like without you in it.
Please remember that you didn't break him and you can't fix him. He has to face his inner issues himself. You can't hurry his journey up, but trying to interfere may slow it down.
This is not a fast trip your H is on. You have time to figure out how you want to handle this.
In the mean time GAL, work on yourself, and live your life for you. Do some of those things you didn't have time for before. Figure out who September is and what she wants.
SA, thank you for your advice. It really really helps. I'm having a s*it day and am swapping from being ok. to bursting out into tears whilst doing normal chores like making a salad! WTF!
I'm having some trouble with the GAL idea. I do get it but I don't know how to do it. Before my H left 4 months ago I had everything I wanted, and more to look forward to. We were going to move house and start a family, and boy was I ready for a baby (still am). I had the freedom to do what I wanted to do, so I had hobbies, and a 'life'. My life was the life I wanted. With him. How can I replace that? I feel like at the moment, I'm going out and doing things just to be doing something, you know? To kill time. I see my friends not to be alone. I plan weekends away not to be in the house. I go to evening classes to... well, to have something to do. When will that change? How do you guys to find the strength? I'm on autopilot. I believe he's in MLC, big time, and after 4 months of questioning myself and our relationship I have come to the conclusion that I am NOT the reason for this. Therefore, I am waiting for the day that he might realize that ending our marriage will not solve HIS problems.
How do I 'wait' without waiting?
I don't want 'any' man in my life but I do miss someone. I have wonderful friends, a good job, my pre-wedding weight back (LOL!!!)... but I miss my man. I feel so silly. I heard myself thinking today (while I was in the kitchen) "BUT I THOUGHT HE LOVED MEEEEE!" ... which made me giggle.
He did love me. I just thought I could rely on him.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - I HAVE a life. I need my MAN back. Nothing can replace him. How do you guys deal with that?
And I don't mean I am nothing without a man... or him, I hope this makes sense.
You talk about GALing to fill the time, and that's just fine. If you force yourself to get out and do things which you enjoy, one day you'll find that they're not just time-killers any more: they're valuable parts of your life. It's just like when someone dies: at first you can't stop grieving, to the obliteration of everything else, then you start to reclaim parts of your life, but your heart isn't in it because you feel guilty for enjoying pleasures which your loved one cannot, and then one day you find yourself laughing and realize that the holes in your life are healing. You may be on autopilot now, but keep up with your friends, hobbies, etc, and they will help to normalize the texture of your life.
And it's a great thing that you can sometimes laugh at your situation!
You asked about whether to meet with him. If you do, it's important NOT to have any kind of relationship talk, just to be his friend, and the confident, happy girl he fell in love with. If you're not ready for that, I wouldn't recommend going. Remember: any kind of relationship talk is going to confirm his decision that he had to leave you, so if he does bring it up ... gracefully steer the conversation in a different direction.
You're quite right that you are NOT the reason for his MLC. At the same time, we all have issues stemming from our imperfect childhoods, and the rule of thumb seems to be that we marry people carrying about the same amount of baggage as we are. So, while we wait for the MLCer to deal with his issues is the perfect time to begin exploring how to deal with our own baggage.
I can guarantee, if your H was to come home tomorrow, but neither of you had done any work on yourselves, it would only be a matter of time until he left again. So, look deep into your fears (why do you feel so strongly that you "need your MAN back; nothing can replace him"--what is that about?). Look into your insecurities (why were you jealous of his relationship with his daughter?). Look into the connections between your family of origin and your marriage/other parts of your life (is there a connection with the fact you were attracted to an older, previously married guy?) I have no idea what your issues might be--these are just suggestions based on the few facts you shared.
In a way, the time given to us by a partner's MLC is the best gift of our lives because it gives us the time and the chance to deal with all our baggage, so that we will not have to drag it with us into that renewed relationship (or into our next relationship, if that's how things work out). However, that's not what it feels like right now. So, for now, keep reading the information on MLC offered on this site, read the situations of others dealing with an MLCer and gain insights and support from them, and keep your sense of humour!
------Hopefully you have already done the first thing.---- The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
And this is also called "standing" for the marriage; but Standing does not mean "waiting"; in this process, you must eventually learn through detachment to disentangle yourself from him emotionally..in the process of being married; somehow, over the years, the two of you "meshed" together into "one", but the WRONG kind of one.
There is often an "adult/child" relationship going on before the crisis; with the LBS often on the "child" end..but it can be the other way around, too. It's an uneven balance of power that IF the crisis is resolved; and the marriage goes into reconciliation and rebuilding; changes to an even balance of power.
When two individuals get married, they need to still be the individuals they are...because of baggage from the past; and the tendency of people to marry what is "familiar"( from childhood) to them in the way of "emotional patterns"...it creates a very unhealthy situation.
The journey you go on to find yourself involves looking deep within to find the areas within yourself that need improving..none of us are or were perfect, therefore ALL of us before the crisis had issues of a kind; some from the family of origin; others were wounded at different times in their lives.
In that process, you learn life's lessons; which involve learning that the only person you can control is yourself. Also, in that process you'll learn how to set healthy boundaries for yourself..this is all for YOU; not your MLC spouse...they have these same lessons to learn on their own...and both of you, at this time; are on separate paths within each individual journey.
The crisis changes both of you in ways you won't even be able to imagine until your journey to wholeness and healing gets underway.
In that process; you learn to survive emotionally on your own; not being so dependent upon your husband; him, in turn; when/if the times comes becomes more respectful of your independence; and the two people become "equal partners" for the first time in their lives.
I have seen this last paragraph with my own two eyes; and I know several other couples that came out this same way.
It's not an easy road to come to this end; and some never make it; for various reasons; but the biggest is the fact that it lies within the hands of the MLC'er who holds the entire decision as to whether they want to return to the marriage, or not.
It does NOT matter what the LBS wants or doesn't want; but some marriages are brought through to the end; and the couple stays together.
There are NO guarantees as to how this will come out...I learned this when I went through with my husband....and I stood with all I had; even learning that it was possible that he might have decided to leave me for good....I eventually arrived at a place where I knew I would be ok, regardless of what happened.
Long before then, I was like you; lost; destroyed; and my life, as I knew it, was shattered in pieces. And, like you, I was totally dependent upon my husband.
I'm not now...I took that journey I spoke of to wholeness and healing; learning in that process to set my boundaries firm; and in that process, I grew and matured into what I was meant to be.
It was a LONG and hard journey; but I'm a successful person, NOT because my marriage came through, but because I took the time to learn and grow on my OWN.
As I changed, my husband was forced to change and come forward; or walk away...HIS CHOICE...him walking away would not have been my choice, but it could have happened, if he had not been willing to accept my boundaries on bad behavior from him.
With that said....YOU are the only one who can decide what you want; no one else can decide that for you. People can advise; and help you with direction; but in the end, it will be up to YOU; to do whatever you choose.
The starting AND finishing of the journey to wholeness and healing is the most IMPORTANT thing you can do for yourself.
There will come a time when you will rise again, out of the ashes; and you will ask yourself if your husband is really worth it...this comes in your journey as you begin to see not only you in reality, but him, as well.
In the meantime; the marriage and the life you had once known, is over; and a new chapter begins when your husband decides what he will do in regards to either returning to the marriage, or not.
But, what you do in the way of growing, changing etc. meanwhile, is up to YOU, and no one else.
This hurts; I know it hurts; I was there at one time, myself; but my HUSBAND made the decision to return to the marriage; I had NOTHING to do with that...I went through the growing/changing; and became, through this same journey, what God meant for me to be...but my husband did NOT have to accept what and who I became; and I came to know this.
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I guess what I'm trying to say is - I HAVE a life. I need my MAN back. Nothing can replace him. How do you guys deal with that?
By learning to do things on our own...GAL'ing as people call it..getting a life.
You get a new life for yourself, one that doesn't involve your husband.
For example, even though my husband and I are "post crisis"..or out of the tunnel; I STILL have interests that don't include him; and he has interests that don't include me.
We have things we do together; but each of us have separate lives.
I learned to get a life for myself while he was in the crisis...either way this could have gone, I was going to have to survive as an INDIVIDUAL, regardless...so, I regained my individuality in that process.
I moved forward without standing still; and you can do this, too.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
