After much reluctance to post this, I'm finally crying out for help to keep me sane and from sabatoging my relationship any further. I'm at a loss for what to do or where to start.....Here is my story (i'll try to make it as short as possible)IT'S A GOOD ONE!!!!
Im 33, husband 35....We have been together for 17 years, married for 13.5 years. Our kids are 7,6,3. Before we had children I had a one night stand that I came clean about because we never kept things from each other. We got through that without separating and worked through it on our own.
I ended up having a 2 year affair with my husband's best friend, which started when my 2nd child was about 1.5yrs. (May 2006) and he is the biological father of our youngest girl. I had a very strong feeling that he was the father, but wasnt 100%. My husband discovered our affair after the youngest was a couple months old. I was trying to figure out a way to tell him cuz it was killing me to keep up with these lies. We did apaternity test, which inevitably turned out not in mine or my husband's favor. The only reason we did the paternity test is because other man wanted to take responsibility and be a part of her life. (This all came out in Feb 2008)
We decided to try and make our marriage work. The other man, decided that he didnt want to be a part of Karly's life so he could work on it with his family, and we would keep Karly being his hidden from the children. That was gonna be really hard to do, since his scorned wife went and told everyone in our town. I didn't want to keep anymore lies and wanted Karly to know what was going on from the beginning. I really hurt for her that he didnt want anything to do with her, that I was more hung up on that than fixing my marriage. I felt like I needed to do right by my child.
In the end of (August 2008) contact between my and other man started again. It started out that I saw him in a minit mart and he said hi. I was so furious that I called him and told him how dare he say hi after the hell of tossing karly around like a yoyo,insisiting on a paternity test, and hurting an innocent child. He cut me off and said that he had a letter that he wanted to send my husband and I, that he felt he did wrong and wanted to know about her or eventually be a part of her life (can't remember the exact words).
Beginning of October 2008 I moved into my stepmom's place, I hooked up with him one time. Saw each other more than that, but truly only had sex with him one time. I felt awful about it!!!! Since then I have read a lot about affairs and have discovered that it isn't too uncommon to go back and add closure to the situation. IDK if that is true!!!! I never really wanted to be with him. I really wanted it to work between my husband and I, I think I was trying to protect everyone and make a decision to leave to make it easier for my husband. IDK.....In November 2008 Bruce found out and wanted a DIVORCE.. I was hospitalized (completely embarassed but I OD'd on some prescription meds). I felt like my life was at a complete all time low and I wanted to get rid of my pain. Not just the affair and my husband wanting a divorce, but a lot of discovery about my life from 3 years old and on.......
Anyways, my husband let me stay at the house and we just fell back into the marriage and he decided to work on it with me. We never really did counseling or took any initial steps to help get past all of this. We pretty much brushed it all under the carpet. It was great when we first reconciled, after a few months my guilt and fear of him leaving me started to take over my life. I still have not forgiven myself for what I've done.
Fast Forward to a couple months ago....My husband told me on Otober 11 that he wasnt happy and didnt know if he wanted to be with me. I noticed his text messaging went from an avg. of 350 to 1200 OUTGOING in the month of October. When I asked him about it, he said it was my guilty conscience, he had just been texting his friends more often. On November 7th he went to live at his dad's house. (Which at that point it was up in the air what we were gonna do) On November 23 I got a copy of the text message detail, which confirmed my suspicions. I went up to his dad's house to confront him, he was sleeping so I grabbed his phone. The background was a scantily clad "soccer Coach" bent over a sink looking back at the camera. :-O The last text message sent from him was "K.I'm going to bed...I LOVE YOU!!!
This broke my heart....He said they were just friends and all they did was text,when I confronted him. I told him you dont love someone without having physical contact with them. Anyways, I'm sure you know the rest. I piece by piece uncovered the truth. On Dec 2, it was confirmed that they were having sex, but at that time it hadn't been for too long supposedly. He told me then that he was going to start seeing her, AS IF THEY HAVEN"T BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER THIS WHOLE TIME _ WHATEVER!!!!. He established that they have feelings for each other and that they wanted to see where they go. He wants a divorce and no matters what happens between them he still doesn't want to be with me. He said that she isn't the reason that we are getting a divorce. At first he said he was done 2 years ago, when he wanted a divorce and stayed with me out of guilt,then he said checked out just this last July. He tells me he wouldnt have done any of this if I hadn't what I had a few years ago. It feels like he is trying to jusitfy what he is doing. He also says things like I hadn't met his needs in the past 5 years, I never cuddled or was affectionate. I'm stubborn and have some things that I need to work on, but he says I'll never change he's known me for 17 years and he doesn't think he could ever be happy with me. I've told him that she is just a mirage for now and what about when the reality sets in. He says it's all on him.
On December 27th, was the biggest bomb of all. She's pregnant and at this point about 8 weeks. He confirmed that sex started back in october, as I suspected.
He's going to her prenatal appts with her. He only missed 2 appts. with all three of our kids. I don't understand why he needs to go. HE says because he is the dad, well not going to the appts doesn't mean he'll be a bad dad. I just hate that he is sharing this with her and I'm afraid it'll bring them that much closer. That is a big deal to me. He is sharing something with someone else, that was only supposed to be shared by us. IT HURTS LIKE HELL......He is going away for weekends with her. He is starting to spend more and more time with her. UGH!!! I'm renting a house starting next month. He is moving into our old house. I'm scared to take the leap. Im scared he'll see it as a sign of me wanting out of the marriage too.
How can he love her after only a couple months? Is it really love? What are the statistics for a relationship like this? Does the chance of survival go up or down with a pregnancy involved? She has two he has three, there will be six kids between the two of them.
I try reading things and The Divorce Remedy but it is hard to grasp that if I do all of the suggested things that he'll come around. I'm terrified of losing him....when he gave me a chance i made a vow to myself and him and recommited to our relationship to forsake all others. I want him to see that this isn't irrepairable. What do I do, nothing I've read pertains to a situation like this, so I'm have a hard time seeing the HOPE. If I follow the same principles will I be able to maybe achieve the outcome I want.
Might I mention that I have done all the wrongs things to push him farther into her arms...BEG,PLEAD,CRY - you name it I did it. CAN THAT BE REVERSED??TODAY I'M making a promise to myself to stop. I'm having trouble figuring it all out. What do you think? I feel like we have a lot of water under the bridge and that are bridge can be mended. Every interaction is heated and he says he knows how all conversations with me end (BEGGING CRYING ASKING HIM A TON OF QUESTIONS) He says he's not in love with me anymore. Is that possible? I NEED HELP.....MY KIDS ARE SO SAD AND SO AM I!!!!! He doesn't even seem to hurt over this.
Is it hopeless or do I have a chance? How do I get him to consider thinking about reconciling and start wanting to be around us and leave her. I would be willing to accept this child and help him and support him. He did it for me and I like to think it was because he loved me. I don't want to end a marriage that I feel could be worked through. I love my husband and feel that we could be happy together.
Sorry that you find yourself here, but you're going to find no better group of people to get you the help you need.
Whew that is alot of baggage. Okay, first things first. Does your H want to work on the M at all? Right now he feels justified in what he's doing because you've done it not once but twice and long term as well. The way you casually mentioned you only having sex with the OM once means that you still don't realize how devastating what you did before is.
It was also very admirable of your H to be willing to raise a child that wasn't his. Right now all he's doing (in his mind) is doing the responsible thing. Because the two of you haven't sought help in the past, I get the feeling that he never completely got over the trust issues with you so needed someone else to fill that void.
Have you seen an IC yourself?
One thing I would caution is that you DO NOT contact the OM to try and get him to help you. That would be just adding gasoline to the wildfire that's out of control right now.
Another question to you is...are you willing to accept this child as his as he had with the one you had with the OM? I think he needs to see some kind of acceptance on your part.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I didnt even realize how it sounded when I mentioned that I only had sex with OM one time. Totally didnt mean it like that. I still feel like Im talking to my husband when I talk about it. Because he wanted to know how often we did it the last time around. Anyways......He does not want to work on the marriage. He is filling out paperwork for legal separation.
He said I haven't given him a chance to miss me, or that I have been pushing so hard that he doesn't even want to consider thinking about us. He said he doesnt think he could ever be happy with me.
He said he knows that I would love the baby and take care of it. I also told him that I would help fight tooth and nail if she tried to keep the baby from him.
I haven't talked to him in 2 days other a text about what my new address is gonna be. Per our family counselor, the girls will need to find out that daddy has a girlfriend once we are settled into our house and things seem to be running smoothly. Then she wants the girls to know about the baby by mid-late april.
Not quite sure if I have any chance or if I should cut my losses and decide to accept. I came here for hope, but I don't have much.
What I really want is for H and I to be reconciling when we tell the girls about baby.
