I'm at a loss for what to do or where to start.....Here is my story - ITS A GOOD ONE!!!(i'll try to make it as short as possible)I was very reluctant to post anything, cuz I don't want to be ridiculed!!! So please only give my constructive feedback!!!
Im 33, husband 35....We have been together for 17 years, married for 13.5 years. Our kids are 7,6,3. Before we had children I had a one night stand that I came clean about because we never kept things from each other. We got through that without separating and worked through it on our own.
I had 2 year affair with my husband's best friend, which started when my 2nd child was about 1yr. (May 2006) and he is the biological father of our youngest girl. I had a very strong feeling that he was the father, but wasnt 100%. My husband discovered our affair after the youngest was a couple months old. We did paternity test, which inevitably turned out not in my or my husband's favor. The only reason we did the paternity test is because other man wanted to take responsibility and be a part of her life. (This all came out in Feb 2008)
We decided to try and make our marriage work. The other man, decided that he didnt want to be a part of Karly's life so he could work on it with his family, and we would keep Karly being his hidden from the children. That was gonna be really hard to do, since his scorned wife went and told everyone in our town. I didn't want to keep anymore lies and wanted Karly to know what was going on from the beginning. I really hurt for her that he didnt want anything to do with her, that I was more hung up on that than fixing my marriage. I felt like I needed to do right by my child.
In the end of (August 2008) contact between my and other man started again. It started out that I saw him in a minit mart and he said hi. I was so furious that I called him and told him how dare he say hi and put me after the hell he put all of us through, insisiting on a paternity test, and hurting an innocent child. He cut my off and said that he had a letter that he wanted to send my husband and I, that he felt he did wrong and wanted to know about her or eventually be a part of her life (can't remember the exact words).
Beginning of October 2008 I moved into my stepmom's place, I hooked up with him one time. Saw each other more than that, but truly only had sex with him one time. I felt awful about it!!!! Since then I have read a lot about affairs and have discovered that it isn't too uncommon to go back and add closure to the situation. IDK if that is true!!!! I never wanted to be with him. I really wanted it to work between my husband and I, I think I was trying to protect everyone and make a decision to leave to make it easier for my husband. IDK.....In November 2008 Bruce found out and wanted a DIVORCE.. I was hospitalized (completely embarassed but I OD'd on some prescription meds). I felt like my life was at a complete all time low and I wanted to get rid of my pain. Not just the affair and my husband wanting a divorce, but a lot of discovery about my life from 3 years old and on.......
Anyways, my husband let me stay at the house and we just fell back into the marriage and he decided to work on it with me. We never really did counseling or took any initial steps to help get past all of this. We pretty much brushed it all under the carpet. It was great when we first reconciled, after a few months my guilt and fear of him leaving me started to take over my life. I still have not forgiven myself for what I've done.
Fast Forward to a couple months ago....My husband told me on 10/11 that he wasnt happy and didnt know if he wanted to be with me. I noticed his text messaging went from an avg. of 350 to 1200 OUTGOING in the month of October. When I asked him about it, he said it was my guilty conscience, he had just been texting his friends more often. On November 7th he went to live at his dad's house. (Which at that point it was up in the air what we were gonna do) On November 23 I got a copy of the text message detail, which confirmed my suspicions. I went up to his dad's house to confront him, he was sleeping so I grabbed his phone. The background was a scantily clad "soccer Coach" bent over a sink looking back at the camera. :-O The last text message sent from him was "K.I'm going to bed...I LOVE YOU!!!
This broke my heart....He said they were just friends and all they did was text. I told him you dont love someone without having physical contact with them. Anyways, I'm sure you know the rest. I piece by piece uncovered the truth. On Dec 2, it was confirmed that they were having sex, but at that time it hadn't been for too long supposedly. He told me then that he was going to start seeing her, AS IF THEY HAVEN"T BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER THIS WHOLE TIME _ WHATEVER!!!!. He established that they have feelings for each other and that they wanted to see where they go. He wants a divorce and no matters what happens between them he still doesn't want to be with me. He said that she isn't the reason that we are getting a divorce. At first he said he was done 2 years ago, when he wanted a divorce and stayed with me out of guilt,then he said checked out just this last July. He tells me he wouldnt have done any of this if I hadn't what I had a few years ago. It feels like he is trying to jusitfy what he is doing. He also says things like I hadn't met his needs in the past 5 years, I never cuddled or was affectionate. I'm stubborn and have some things that I need to work on, but he says I'll never change he's known me for 17 years and he doesn't think he could ever be happy with me. I've told him that she is just a mirage for now and what about when the reality sets in. He says it's all on him.
On December 27th, was the biggest bomb of all. She's pregnant and at this point about 8 weeks. confirmation about them becoming physical back in october as I suspected.
He's going to her prenatal appts with her. He only missed 2 appts. with all three of our kids. I don't understand why he needs to go. HE says because he is the dad, well not going to the appts doesn't mean he'll be a bad dad. I just hate that he is sharing this with her and I'm afraid it'll bring them that much closer. That is a big deal to me. He is sharing something with someone else, that was only supposed to be shared by us. IT HURTS LIKE HELL......He is going away for weekends with her. He is starting to spend more and more time with her. UGH!!! I'm renting a house starting next month. He is moving into our old house. I'm scared to take the leap.
How can he love her after only a couple months? Is it really love? What are the statistics for a relationship like this? Does the chance of survival go up or down with a pregnancy involved? She has two he has three, there will be six kids between the two of them.
I try reading things but it is hard to grasp that if I do all of the suggested things that he'll come around. I'm terrified of losing him....when he gave me a chance i made a vow to myself and recommited to our relationship to forsake all others. I want him to see that this isn't irrepairable. What do I do, nothing I've read pertains to a situation like this, so I'm have a hard time seeing the HOPE. If I follow the same principles will I be able to maybe achieve the outcome I want.
Might I mention that I have done all the wrongs things to push him farther into her arms...BEG,PLEAD,CRY - you name it I did it. TODAY I'M making a promise to myself to stop. I'm having trouble figuring it all out. Will your Fitness Boot Camp help me and possibly my marriage. What do you think? I feel like we have a lot of water under the bridge and that are bridge can be mended. Every interaction is heated and he says he knows how all conversations with me end (BEGGING CRYING ASKING HIM A TON OF QUESTIONS) He says he's not in love with me anymore. Is that possible? I NEED HELP.....MY KIDS ARE SO SAD AND SO AM I!!!!! He doesn't even seem to hurt over this.
Is it hopeless or do I have a chance? How do I get him to consider thinking about reconciling and start wanting to be around us and leave her. I would be willing to accept this child and help him and support him. He did it for me and I like to think it was because he loved me. I don't want to end a marriage that I feel could be worked through. I love my husband and feel that we could be happy together.
