DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support 2

[ScaredinCanada]

This feels weird, but I am now starting my 3rd thread. Here are the previous 2:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2117463&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2118453&page=1

Thanks for everyone for following along, and for providing support to me and relating to my sitch.

Unfortunately for some reason today I cannot get settled. I'm not really thinking anything specific, but I feel really emotional today - just not right.

I'm at work, but I cannot seem to concentrate on anything, I feel distracted. I haven't felt like this in a few weeks and not really sure why I am feeling this now?

Anyways, W is working tonight and I have hockey (need it tonight). Looking forward to getting home to see my girls, and not seeing my W because in my current state it would only be backslide-fest.

I'll reiterate my thoughts re the trip that my W has planned with her M to a Dude Ranch at end of February. I'll be staying home with the girls for the week, and I'll be planning some things to do with them.

I'm concerned that in my free time (which will mostly be in the evenings when the kids are in bed) I'm going struggle to wonder if my W misses me (and not just the girls) and what she's doing. I must say I have serious fears that she will cheat on me when she's gone at least emotionally or possibly physically. I'm concerned how I'm going to deal with these emotions when she gets back? I mean I don't expect her to tell me if anything was to happen - but at the same time I'm going to want to know one way or the other.

Like I've said I truly believe she has emotionally left me, and she doesn't want to be the "bad guy" who actually ends our M. She's waiting and hoping that I do it.

This whole thing just doesn't seem fair, it pains me so much. I just to know this isn't all for nothing when it comes to our R and M. Is she just stringing me along for financial reasons, becuase we can't sell the house in the winter?? So I can continue pay off mutual debt so she doesn't have to take any with her?!?!?

I just feel like crap right now. I want to feel good and be as happy and encouraged by the sitch (we still live together, sleep in the same bed, she wears her rings, etc.) but I'm struggling everyday with the fact that we currently have NO relationship.

Sorry, just venting.

[2stepboogie]

The night time is the worse for me also. I usually watch a movie to distract me although I am losing interest in that also. Do you keep a journal? That helps a little but only while you are writing in it. Truth is losing control of something is very nerve racking, but you have to find a way to keep your mind from wondering. Our imagination is usually much worse than reality I try to remember that my W is hurting just like me although I believe the WAS hides it better than we do.

Get up real early and make sure your day is really busy so when night time comes your tired and just want sleep. I've been taking over the counter sleep aids but they are worthless to me. I threw them out this morning because they don't work at all. Just stay busy and keep your thoughts in check.

[punchy]

Scared...

I have been in my situation for almost 15 months now. About 2 months ago I was able to confirm that my wife was/is having an EA with a co-worker. Over those 15 months I have felt like crap more days than not.

I confronted my wife about EA on December 4 and looking back I honestly do not know how I made it through the month of December. I was completely useless at work and people were commenting to me that I looked "conflicted". I did not share any of my issues with anyone other than my councelor. December was a very bad time, January is not great, but is a better place.

You can only take things one day at a time and one step at a time. I am reading a book called 5 Seconds at a Time, which advsies you to focus on getting through only the next 5 seconds vs trying to get through what you think the next day week or year may bring. I have found the book to be very helpful. It is an easy read and one with key messages that are easy to retain.

We all want to feel good, but at the sametime we have to be aware that we are carrying a huge burden on our backs so we have to be realistic. Those of us on this Board are all doing "the heavy lifting" right now with respect to our relationships.

I think my wife is in the same position as yours, she doesn't want to be the bad guy that ends the marriage. My approach is to wait her out. The longer time passes and I show that I have made permanent changes that she refuses to acknowledge, will put the responsibility for our marriage ending onto her shoulders. I ahve said in my Thread, that my wife would have been better to end things when I was a angry jerk. Fortunately for me, that person no longer exists.

You and I are both doing everything that we can to protect our children from the trauma of a divorce and save our marriages. Every day that you hang in there and show improvement, makes things that much more difficult for your spouse.

We have no relationship, but we do have a plan and an approach to lead us down at path to trying to get one. Hang in there!

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Punchy.

I've probably spoken to too many people at work about my sitch. I've told my boss (for obvious reasons, and a couple co-workers) on top of that I've also told my 3 best friends, although I don't talk about the sitch with them regularly. I can't help it, I've always been an open and honest person who speaks his mind. Lately, I've been really annoyed by the standard "How you doing?" that everyone's asks daily, and have been responding "Crappy, I'm not gonna lie".

I agree with all of what you've said. I'll see about picking up that book, I just have very little available time to read.

So far my lack of performance at work really hasn't caused any issues. I manage a small team, and I've continue to lead them as best as I can, I'm just disconnected from my ability to constantly look for improvements in the way my team works. This used to be something I was always doing, and it was something that has gotten me to the point I'm at in my career. With my boss and peers I'm essentially faking it right now. I felt like I was improving but similar to at home I have setbacks. I have good days and bad days.

I will wait my W out. She sees my changes, and I think it frustrates her because she is angry that "it took her having 1 foot out the door" for me to finally take notice and change. She told me just the other night again that she doesn't believe or trust that I am truly changing.

She also seems to think I have a major issue with anger, and I agree at times if acted angry or had a short temper. Other than a few blips over the past while I'm not an angry person. It seems that anytime I get frustrated with the sitch, she'll say something like "man your have an anger issue"?!?!

It's funny too when she says things like "You haven't heard anything I said" or "you don't like what I'm telling you" I've said "WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?"

She's never had an answer for that...

[punchy]

It took my wife over a year to acknowledge that I have made changes and that I am a much nicer person and better father than I was up until the Bomb was dropped. She too though has concerns that it took up until now for me to make those changes.

I do think they over state things to support their position. My wife told me that my kids were afraid of me because of my anger. My two older kids have told them that they were never afraid of me and that yes, I did fly off the handle at times, they didn't view it as being a big deal. My wife on the other hand feels that I ahve traumitized our kids and that they will never recover especially our oldest. He thinks its bizzare that she says things like that.

Keep being that patient, calm and steady person. The longer that you can demonstrate this without backsliding the better. I have not had one slipup in the past 15 months. Its is difficult but you have to do it. Thats where the 5 second technique also comes into play. You take 5 seconds before responding so you can avert your typical response. My kids have commented that it was like I had turned off a switch and my oldest calls me the "new dad".

Glad to hear that you can cope with this situation at work. Having and keeping your job through all of this is very important as well.

Keep it going.....

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Denver. What I was getting at was I realize after the fact the those things were likely pursuing, but I didn't realize that in the moment. I also agree that there is really no value in trying to get an update on where she's at. I know she's thinking about the sitch, but it doesn't annoys me to think that she's planning her escape when we could actually be working together to try and solve the issues.

She also trying to validate what she's doing because when she asked me if I had gone out on a date, she said "It's fine if you did, I'm ok with that". Again I think she is hoping that she can just stay sitting on the f*%king fence and eventually I'll make the decision to leave and then she won't be the bad person.

"it's fine if you did, I'm ok with that" -

Believe zero of what they say. If she was truly fine and ok with it, she wouldn't have asked.

"She also trying to validate what she's doing" -

How do you know Scared? Stop trying to mind read... unless you really believe that you can. I try this too... it doesn't work for me. Only frustrates.

"Again I think she is hoping that she can just stay sitting on the f*%king fence and eventually I'll make the decision to leave and then she won't be the bad person."

- Who's better at the game of chicken Scared? You or your W? Can you stare down your W on this? Be more patient? If the answer is "yes", then start BEING patient and STOP worrying about what your W is doing or thinking right now.

[angel61]

Hang in there guys. Maybe we should make it a sort of contest between all of us who have the same sitches - who can last the longest! I guess we are all the same - still in the same house , some of us still in same bed, but with zero emotional connection with our spouses, and with kids who are young and who we prioritize above our pain.

Many of us have learned to look at this period as time to change, time to work on ourseves, and that is really good. But all of us are guilty of the same thing: trying to mind read, snooping, imagining what our spouses are doing and saying to OP, feeling the injustice to us and our kids, wondering why we have to face theconsequences of their mistakes. Like now, I am sitting here at work not paying attention and stopping myself from peeking into my H's cell phone records. I have told myself time and time again that what does it matterif I know they are talking again, if I know what they are doing .... will it change what I am doing right now? Will I throw his clothes out of the house and initiate the D? Of course not! So I might as well quit making myself miserable by finding out things that hurt me. Same with mind reading - our imagination goes wild and we end up having a pity party.

But of course, we are just human and we will do it. Again and again.

[ScaredinCanada]

Hang in there guys. Maybe we should make it a sort of contest between all of us who have the same sitches - who can last the longest! I guess we are all the same - still in the same house , some of us still in same bed, but with zero emotional connection with our spouses, and with kids who are young and who we prioritize above our pain.

Many of us have learned to look at this period as time to change, time to work on ourseves, and that is really good. But all of us are guilty of the same thing: trying to mind read, snooping, imagining what our spouses are doing and saying to OP, feeling the injustice to us and our kids, wondering why we have to face theconsequences of their mistakes. Like now, I am sitting here at work not paying attention and stopping myself from peeking into my H's cell phone records. I have told myself time and time again that what does it matterif I know they are talking again, if I know what they are doing .... will it change what I am doing right now? Will I throw his clothes out of the house and initiate the D? Of course not! So I might as well quit making myself miserable by finding out things that hurt me. Same with mind reading - our imagination goes wild and we end up having a pity party.

But of course, we are just human and we will do it. Again and again.

Agreed Angel. Generally I'm doing good and I am really focused on my changes for me - but my W and our family togetehr is still the biggest most important piece of my life. We still live in the same house, we still eat family dinners, we take the kids out as a family, we maintain our same responsibilities, she still wears her rings, we sleep in the same bed...we just have no PERSONAL R at all...I told her a few weeks back that I am living with a ZOMBIE!

[ScaredinCanada]

"it's fine if you did, I'm ok with that" -

Believe zero of what they say. If she was truly fine and ok with it, she wouldn't have asked.

"She also trying to validate what she's doing" -

How do you know Scared? Stop trying to mind read... unless you really believe that you can. I try this too... it doesn't work for me. Only frustrates.

"Again I think she is hoping that she can just stay sitting on the f*%king fence and eventually I'll make the decision to leave and then she won't be the bad person."

- Who's better at the game of chicken Scared? You or your W? Can you stare down your W on this? Be more patient? If the answer is "yes", then start BEING patient and STOP worrying about what your W is doing or thinking right now.

I hear you Denver. I'm mostly doing my backslidding on this forum. I haven't spoken to my W today, I didn't speak with her at bedtime last night. I likely won't talk to her tonight because she is going to work.

I know what your saying about believing zero what they say...it's just hard when they push your buttons.

I'll be good, just slipping a bit.

[Denver_2010]

Trust me Scared, I completely understand. It is much easier to look at someone else's sitch and tell them what they should or shouldn't do. Applying it to my own sitch is much, much more difficult. I also realize that you are still living in same home with you W which has to increase the difficulty ten fold.

I think that you are doing great. But I just thought that you needed a few reminders there.

I always welcome the same on my thread buddy!

BITS
Denver