Denver from the Newbies Forum suggested I post my story here.... Sorry it's long - I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if I'm on the right or wrong path thinking there might be an MLC situation in all this mess somewhere.... ------------------------------------------------------------- I've been reading here for the last 4 months. Here's my story. I'm sorry if it's long I don't really know how to explain it briefly. It's such a mess.
Been together with husband for 10 years. Married only 18 months ago. He's 46, I'm 34. His second marriage, plus he has a daughter from a previous relationship. His daughter does not live here in the UK, her mum is Italian and she lives with her. I'm from Germany but moved to the UK with him 6 years ago (he is English).
So our set up is English, Italian, German. A bit complicated when you also take into consideration that his freelance work takes him abroad quite a lot. So his life/ our lives / our relationship meant 'juggling' trips to Italy (mostly for him to see his daughter, sometimes we managed to go together), or for me to Germany, family visiting, work, etc etc.
Hard work sometimes but fun. I was happy. He was happy. Most of the time! (As in any relationship). Yes, I think I can honestly say I was very happy. Blissfully happy. Particularily after we got married, I thought I had it all. The man I love by my side. Forever. ;-)
When we got married, I turned into a 'stepmum' for his daughter, of course. Didn't really see myself as that, simply because I only got to see her on average twice a year. My relationship to her is good, but I would probably call it a friendship more than 'motherhood' (I mean this in a good way). When we get the chance to hang out, we go shopping or watch a movie, but obviously most of that time is 'dad' time, as he doesn't see her often enough. So I stepped back sometimes. Wasn't really sure what my 'role' was, but thought I did ok. It wasn't always easy but I managed. I should explain a bit more. There were times when I felt 'jealousy' towards her, rightly or wrongly. i.e. when we got married she was with us for 2 weeks before the wedding and 1 week after. I guess I found that a bit hard. I just wanted to be with him, on our own. At least after the wedding. As I said, rightly or wrongly. I have been questioning myself and my feelings for months now.
I met her for the first time when she was 8. She is now 18. (Turned 18 in August). And as I said she never lived with us.
Anyway. So we live our lives and juggled. I came off the pill 6 months ago. We had always talked about having children (a first for me). We put the house on the market 1. September 2010, made plans to buy a bigger house with an extra bedroom for a child. The 4th house in 10 years. We like DIY ;-)
I keep an email from him from August that says "I know we are crazy but I wouldn't want it any other way. Love you. x"
He went to Italy for business and to see his daughter at the beginning of September. We had one big argument on the phone as he changed all his plans from one day to the next - he had promised to be back on Friday, I had made 2 dinner plans with friends of ours (all couples) for the weekend, which I had to cancel last minute as he just didn't turn up. He re-organised his weekend to see his daughter. That wasn't the problem, what made me furious was the fact that I got 2 hours notice (he would normally give me a week or so) and I was left with no plans for the weekend. Plus I missed him of course, hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. So one big row, lots of shouting.
He comes back on the Monday and gives me the speech. It's all too much for him. He doesn't know how to 'compromise' anymore. We want different things. What if his daughter has children one day? What with us having children too. How will he manage. What with me being at home with a baby and he wants to go to Italy. The pressure I put him under.
Packed his toothbrush and left to stay with his mum. 22. September. Hasn't been home since.
What followed was probably 6 weeks where I was just in shock. I didnt' know what to do. He was just gone. We saw each other maybe 3 times, every time he shouted at me and blamed me for everything that had gone wrong. Words that stuck were i.e. "I've lost out on time with my daughter and its ALL YOUR FAULT" - "I want to be a free man again like I was 10 years ago" "I am tired of compromising" -
I had never ever seen him like that. Never seen him that angry. I was scared.
My gut reaction was looking for the answers within myself. What had I done wrong? Was I such a horrible person? It must all be my fault. I went through weeks with no sleep. I emailed him, apologizing. Trying to fix things. Making suggestions how to make it all better. Asking him what he wanted. More apologizing.
He didn't reply. When I heard from him he was angry.
Weeks passed and he calmed down a bit. I was still waiting for him to just turn up again. He started saying things like 'I want our life back' ' how could it get this far'
I was hopeful. I gave him space. I went on a holiday on my own. Still, every text message or email from him was like a puzzle. I just didn't understand what he was saying. He wasn't the man I married. He wasn't even the man I knew 2 months ago.
In the last 4 months he has probably gone to Italy to see his daughter 5 or 6 times. She is now 18. He taught her how to drive. He spends more time with her and with her family (his "Ex" Family). This is, how he puts it, what he wants - "to be a bigger part in her life and with her family" .
I should say he is definitely NOT back with his Ex. She's in a new relationship. But, funnily enough, in the last months she has turned from 'The b!tch i never want to see again" to "The mother of my child and a good friend"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is - am I kidding myself in thinking this might be MLC? The anger, the shouting, - he's also started going to the gym like a mad man, started buying new clothes (has hardly picked anything up from home) and I feel like he's trying to make up for 'lost' time with his daughter.
I should add he's had some financial trouble recently, too.
We only got married 18 months ago and it feels like he's - forgotten. He doesn't want to be a husband anymore, he wants to be a dad to his daughter. Obviously, because of the distance, and time and money he must have found it difficult some time to 'compromise' between the two 'lives' but... he now says 'my daughter is my number 1 priority in life' and I feel he thinks he needs to give up his marriage to ... be able to have a relationship to his daughter in the way he wants it. Which to me is, kind of... weird as I can't see how he can compare the two.
I'm really sorry I hope this all makes sense. This is only a tiny bit of the whole big story. I am just so confused. Looking for help. I know I have to go through this all by myself but I just thought maybe writing it down might help.
Needless to say, my life has been taken away from me like a rug under my feet. I'm sure you all know how that feels.
------Hopefully you have already done the first thing.---- The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. I hope that you can find help and companionship here.
For your question about whether it's MLC, it does seem to have a lot of the hallmarks. Was there a particular episode which triggered his changes--often there is a health scare, death or other trauma which precipitates the slide into a MLC depression? This causes the MLCer to change overnight from loving to angry/uncaring/self-absorbed, etc. Otherwise, read through some of the threads Cadet has suggested--there's wonderful and very helpful stuff there.
Your situation is a little unusual in that your H is spending so much time with his daughter (and perhaps trying to impress her mother, too?). This made me wonder whether his crisis began earlier, with the break-up of that relationship? Trying to make up for lost time with his daughter, etc, in some ways seems like a positive and necessary thing to do--if only he could do it in a way which included you, rather than excluding and blaming you.
Try, at this point, to do everything you can to nurture and take care of yourself.
Cadet and Cyrena, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Cadet, I will read through all the links you've suggested. I have done a lot of reading on MLC already and ordered the DB book also - let's hope it gets to me soon!
Cyrena, looking back I can say I noticed him withdrawing a bit probably 6-9 months ago. I didn't think much of it to be honest- he had just stopped traveling for business and set something up close to home (also having in mind that we wanted to start a family one day and to be closer to home), so he was busy most evenings trying to get the business going. He started to get up really early in the mornings to go to the gym, but again, I didn't really think anything of it, I just thought, "I wouldn't get up THAT early but good for him!"... if I had known... he seemed a bit absent minded, yes, but I just thought he's got a lot on his plate.
Again, looking back, there have been 'events' that I think triggered his reaction but then again, at the time, they didn't seem that 'massive'...
His daughter turned 18 in August. I am not a parent so I don't know how that feels but I guess to him it was a big thing. We had set up a birthday party here in the UK for her 'english' part of the family, a big family meal about 4 weeks prior to the actual date as she was here for her summer holidays. I tried to do my best and booked the restaurant, sorted the table, bought the champagne, wrapped the presents... we also took her on a holiday to sicily as 'part' of her present. my H paid for her driving lessons.
at the time we had a discussion about going to italy for the 'actual' day but to be honest, after what we had done with her and for her in the summer, including the holidays, and taking into consideration that H is/was broke at the time, I voiced my opinion saying that I thought it was a bit OTT, flying over there just 3 weeks later. I kind of expected him to go anyway, he ended up not going.
I think that was a really big thing he regrets deeply now. for him, he says, he will never forgive himself for not being there. on her actual birthday.
and I think he will not forgive me for ... well, for not 'supporting' him enough. I don't know anymore what's right or wrong, when it happened I guess I felt I had a fair argument, now I feel like I shouldn't have said anything.
It seems like there were lots of things that to me weren't such a big deal but for him, in hindsight, were massive.
I don't want to put his concerns or issues about his daughter aside, quite the opposite. It just feels like such a build up out of nowhere and what I am missing is that in between these 'issues' which to me, as I said, were minor, in between those and him just leaving from one day to the next, there was NOTHING. no conversation about him being unhappy. no warning.
I guess someone who 'just' got married deserves a chat? I hope I'm not making people giggle here as I've read so many similar stories, obviously, but at the same time, I wouldn't treat my best friend in this way! Actually, i wouldn't treat any friend in that way so why treat your W so badly?
Anyway, I must sound confused I'm sure. Yes, I am sure that there are many 'issues' he still carries within himself and particularly regarding 'leaving' his daughter nearly 16 years ago (he left Italy to move back to the UK when she was 2) - he's been carrying guilt about that forever. But I cannot make him see that.
I also think that me wanting a baby freaked him out as it addressed his biggest fear (I am also from a different country - the same thing could happen again!)
We had already decided on baby names.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is... What on earth is this? Have I simply married a man with too many issues and didn't see it for TEN years? is it MLC? Did he just 'break' under the pressure, new work situation, wife wanting a baby, new family, daughter growing up, responsibilities?
how will I find my way out of this jungle?
I have married my best friend, a wonderful, loving and caring person who could make me laugh until I cried. I moved country with him, we made plans, I couldn't wait for our future.
And now everything is gone. He is gone. How can I find the answers to all my questions? He's not giving me any. What he says does not make sense.
"Of course I still love you, you don't just forget 10 years but I feel like this is better for me, I am not under pressure anymore" "I don't want to put anyone through this, of course not but this is not about me, if it wasn't for my daughter we wouldn't be in this position" "There are other things more important than myself"
He has been sleeping on his mum's sofa. For 4 months.
He's just been working. Working and going backwards and forwards to Italy. When we see eachother, it's initated by me (guess I've already made mistakes there), and we only talk about us when I ask (also, I realize I've made mistakes here), otherwise he would quite happily not talk about stuff at all.
When I ask how this is supposed to go on he says "it's better this way, being separated" and of course, if / when I've pushed him for answers he wants to sell the house, go 50/50 and get a divorce.
And of course I've cried. And begged for another chance (oops). I won't do that again I promise. But I don't know yet what to do next.
I guess I'll just read and listen...
For now I'm just glad I'm here and thank you for your support.
