I've been reading here for the last 4 months. Here's my story. I'm sorry if it's long I don't really know how to explain it briefly. It's such a mess.
Been together with husband for 10 years. Married only 18 months ago. He's 46, I'm 34. His second marriage, plus he has a daughter from a previous relationship. His daughter does not live here in the UK, her mum is Italian and she lives with her. I'm from Germany but moved to the UK with him 6 years ago (he is English).
So our set up is English, Italian, German. A bit complicated when you also take into consideration that his freelance work takes him abroad quite a lot. So his life/ our lives / our relationship meant 'juggling' trips to Italy (mostly for him to see his daughter, sometimes we managed to go together), or for me to Germany, family visiting, work, etc etc.
Hard work sometimes but fun. I was happy. He was happy. Most of the time! (As in any relationship). Yes, I think I can honestly say I was very happy. Blissfully happy. Particularily after we got married, I thought I had it all. The man I love by my side. Forever. ;-)
When we got married, I turned into a 'stepmum' for his daughter, of course. Didn't really see myself as that, simply because I only got to see her on average twice a year. My relationship to her is good, but I would probably call it a friendship more than 'motherhood' (I mean this in a good way). When we get the chance to hang out, we go shopping or watch a movie, but obviously most of that time is 'dad' time, as he doesn't see her often enough. So I stepped back sometimes. Wasn't really sure what my 'role' was, but thought I did ok. It wasn't always easy but I managed. I should explain a bit more. There were times when I felt 'jealousy' towards her, rightly or wrongly. i.e. when we got married she was with us for 2 weeks before the wedding and 1 week after. I guess I found that a bit hard. I just wanted to be with him, on our own. At least after the wedding. As I said, rightly or wrongly. I have been questioning myself and my feelings for months now.
I met her for the first time when she was 8. She is now 18. (Turned 18 in August). And as I said she never lived with us.
Anyway. So we live our lives and juggled. I came off the pill 6 months ago. We had always talked about having children (a first for me). We put the house on the market 1. September 2010, made plans to buy a bigger house with an extra bedroom for a child. The 4th house in 10 years. We like DIY ;-)
I keep an email from him from August that says "I know we are crazy but I wouldn't want it any other way. Love you. x"
He went to Italy for business and to see his daughter at the beginning of September. We had one big argument on the phone as he changed all his plans from one day to the next - he had promised to be back on Friday, I had made 2 dinner plans with friends of ours (all couples) for the weekend, which I had to cancel last minute as he just didn't turn up. He re-organised his weekend to see his daughter. That wasn't the problem, what made me furious was the fact that I got 2 hours notice (he would normally give me a week or so) and I was left with no plans for the weekend. Plus I missed him of course, hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. So one big row, lots of shouting.
He comes back on the Monday and gives me the speech. It's all too much for him. He doesn't know how to 'compromise' anymore. We want different things. What if his daughter has children one day? What with us having children too. How will he manage. What with me being at home with a baby and he wants to go to Italy. The pressure I put him under.
Packed his toothbrush and left to stay with his mum. 22. September. Hasn't been home since.
What followed was probably 6 weeks where I was just in shock. I didnt' know what to do. He was just gone. We saw each other maybe 3 times, every time he shouted at me and blamed me for everything that had gone wrong. Words that stuck were i.e. "I've lost out on time with my daughter and its ALL YOUR FAULT" - "I want to be a free man again like I was 10 years ago" "I am tired of compromising" -
I had never ever seen him like that. Never seen him that angry. I was scared.
My gut reaction was looking for the answers within myself. What had I done wrong? Was I such a horrible person? It must all be my fault. I went through weeks with no sleep. I emailed him, apologizing. Trying to fix things. Making suggestions how to make it all better. Asking him what he wanted. More apologizing.
He didn't reply. When I heard from him he was angry.
Weeks passed and he calmed down a bit. I was still waiting for him to just turn up again. He started saying things like 'I want our life back' ' how could it get this far'
I was hopeful. I gave him space. I went on a holiday on my own. Still, every text message or email from him was like a puzzle. I just didn't understand what he was saying. He wasn't the man I married. He wasn't even the man I knew 2 months ago.
In the last 4 months he has probably gone to Italy to see his daughter 5 or 6 times. She is now 18. He taught her how to drive. He spends more time with her and with her family (his "Ex" Family). This is, how he puts it, what he wants - "to be a bigger part in her life and with her family" .
I should say he is definitely NOT back with his Ex. She's in a new relationship. But, funnily enough, in the last months she has turned from 'The b!tch i never want to see again" to "The mother of my child and a good friend"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is - am I kidding myself in thinking this might be MLC? The anger, the shouting, - he's also started going to the gym like a mad man, started buying new clothes (has hardly picked anything up from home) and I feel like he's trying to make up for 'lost' time with his daughter.
I should add he's had some financial trouble recently, too.
We only got married 18 months ago and it feels like he's - forgotten. He doesn't want to be a husband anymore, he wants to be a dad to his daughter. Obviously, because of the distance, and time and money he must have found it difficult some time to 'compromise' between the two 'lives' but... he now says 'my daughter is my number 1 priority in life' and I feel he thinks he needs to give up his marriage to ... be able to have a relationship to his daughter in the way he wants it. Which to me is, kind of... weird as I can't see how he can compare the two.
I'm really sorry I hope this all makes sense. This is only a tiny bit of the whole big story. I am just so confused. Looking for help. I know I have to go through this all by myself but I just thought maybe writing it down might help.
Needless to say, my life has been taken away from me like a rug under my feet. I'm sure you all know how that feels.
September - I'm very sorry that you find yourself here. None of us want to be, but it is a VERY good place to get advice and support.
I don't know much about MLC, bc i don't believe that it is really part of my personal situation. I would suggest that you repost your sitch under the MLC forum here on this site to see if you can get some feedback from some of the vets there. JackThreeBeans is a new moderator over there and he offers tremendous advice and insight. I'm sure that there are others as well.
The one thing that I can somewhat relate to in our story is the problem with your H's daughter. I too have a daughter who lives far away from me with her mom. This has also been a huge issue bw my W and I. W loves my daughter, but every time there was a visit, there was an added layer of stress in our M. I think that this stemmed from my W not really knowing her role in the dynamic bw my daughter and I and maybe a little jealousy bc of all the attention that I wanted to give daughter when I saw her. I only get to see her 2 or 3 times per year due to the distance. My W also has a son (11) who lives with us. This was also an added stress when my D visited but that doesn't seem relevant to your sitch.
The one thing that I can say from my experience with this? Don't think that you can supplant your SD's role as your H's number 1 priority in life. It isn't going to happen. He loves his daughter more than anything or anyone. You just have to accept that. That's not to say that your H can't love you at a very close level, but there's something about your own children that S's can't equal. And I felt it from both perspectives. I love my life so much I can hardly stand it. But when my daughter is here, my W takes a bit of a backseat. I don't do that consciously. In fact, I try not to do it. BUt it just happens. And with my SS living with me and W... I had to accept that my W loved him more than anything in the world, including me. It's just the way that it is. You said that you don't have children of you own, so my guess is that you will understand this more once you do.
With this all said, my advice is to validate ALL of your H's feelings on that issue.
Now go to MLC to see if you'd be better suited getting advice there. If not, come back and us newbies will still be here!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, thank you so much for your reply to my post. I really appreciate it. I would like to pick your brains a bit more about your situation with your W, D and SS - unfortunately, I have never known anyone who's been in a similar situation (I wish I had!) - Will send you a PM later when I'm back from work if that's ok. All the best to you.
Right now it sounds like a classic MLC. He's trying to correct the wrongs that he feels happened in the past. His priority right now (at least in his mind) is that he needs to be the father that his D missed out on. Especially since his XW is in a committed relationship. He's worried that he will be replaced.
What he needs to realize is that aside from his D in Italy, he has you. Do you two have kids together?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think he must have just realized that he 'has' me - and that I have 'demands' and 'needs' too. We don't have kids together but we were literally just planning to move to a larger house to start a family. I think that scared him off. Especially after he has made mistakes in the past in regards to his D (or at least he feels he has) and his biggest fear is to repeat those mistakes.
I always knew there was an issue there but I never thought it was so HUGE that he would just run off one day.
After 4 months I have now 'agreed' to the separation (I've just said that I was fine with it now). Not sure if that was the right move but I can't force him to work on our marriage (or on himself) if he doesn't want to. Can I?
