Back here after 8 years

[mockers4]

My story:

together 18 years
married 13 years this month
4 children (2 born before 2003, two birn since then)

H had an A in 2003. We were separated for 10 months, then reconciled. Initially thought this was an isolated incident, but have since found at least 4 other incidents of infidelity (suggestive emails), and have discovered one current relationship - phone calls are all I can confirm, but suspect they have visited each other), which has been going on for 4 months now. H unaware that I know about his current extramarital relationship.

H told me in October he was considering divorce. Going to Retrovaille next weekend.

What I thought was an isolated incident now seems like a chronic choice he is making.

Don't want divorce but this isn't a marriage. Anyone have experience with chronic infidelity?

thanks

[mockers4]

So I'm guessing no one has experience with this? Or maybe I posted in the wrong place?

[dbmod]

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[MrBond]

It's obvious your H needs help. What happened after the first one? Did you go into MC? What are his reasons that he goes outside the M?

I would confront your H about the OW. Do you know who she is?

My suggestion is to not go to Retrouvaille. Actually I've heard that you can't go if someone is in an active A since there has to be total openess.

Sorry that you find yourself here, but we'll see how we can help.

[wanda15]

Keep posting here. Sometimes it takes a bit for people to respond. I am sorry you find yourself here. This is a great place to start. It is a great place to vent and get some good advice. Try writing a little more info on your sitch.

Sending you a hug.

[mockers4]

Thank you.

We went to MC once during our initial separation - and neither of us felt it was helpful (counselor not trained in preserving marriages). I had my first phone consult with a DB counselor on Friday. It was helpful.

My H says he started emails due to stress. Admits this isn't an excuse, and is a poor way to deal with stress. When I asked him if he wants to be the guy who can talk to/email, etc. anyone he wants - basically a single guy - he says no.

I guess I just don't understand why he's still married to me.

He has said that I get on his nerves and he has shown quite a bit of resentment and anger towards me in general.

He is unaware that I know about his latest "friend".

Last time, I was desperate to have him back, but this time I feel flat. DB counselor said this is an appropriate defense mechanism, but it feels weird.

I come from a divorced family, and truly do not want this for my children. I am just skeptical at this point that things will ever be any different. Feel that H will always be having some sort of R with another.

I am tired of being hurt.

[mockers4]

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[mockers4]

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[bethann]

I'm not sure I can offer you any advicr; I can tell you my story, but it seems like you're living it. In 2003, my H left me and our 5 children, aged 2 - 7. He was having an affair. We did reconcile after 7 months and went to MC. At that time it came out that he had had numerous, ongoing affairs throughout our marriage. MC for us was NOT helpful. For a few years after we R, our marriage was pretty good. He was trying, I was trying... but slowly things started to change. H began drinking heavily, visiting porn sites regularly and staying out at the bars until 4 - 6 am, with no explanations.

Last April, my mother caught him with another woman in my house. Hundreds of text messages between the two of them. I felt like you did - flat, bitter, upset, but not devastated, which is how I felt the first time. I was so angry (he refused to admit to the affair and placed all blame on me) that I asked H to leave. At first he refused, but eventually with all the screaming, yelling and fighting, he moved out. That was in July.

For three weeks my H came around the house, not begging me to let him come back, but hinting that, "it was lonely in his apartment", and "did I really want to do this?". The feelings of anger intensified, like you, I couldn't understand how he still wanted to me married to me, and I didn't think I could ever trust him ever, ever again. I shut him down and after three weeks, he got angry too. He began seeing(sleeping with) numerous women, and did nothing but bad mouth me and try to hurt me by not helping with the kids, or paying his half. Anger and bitterness carried me through the fall and into December.

Here is the part I want you to think about. By mid-December, the anger and humiliation went away and were replaced by the realization that I still love him -- after everything, I really do want him in my life, as my husband, as well as the father of my children. So, now, I have alot to undo. Is it fair?? No. Do I deserve better treatment than that? Yes. Do I deserve someone who will stop cheating and be faithful?? Yes! But here's the problem. He is now finished. He doesn't want to be married to me anymore and so I need to be the one to DB.

This is definitely difficult. My family, including 3 of my 5 children, don't want anything to do with him. My friends would think I was completely crazy if they knew I actually wanted him back and I feel like I'm fighting for something that is completely out of my reach. Anyhow, I just want you to consider all your options before you make a decision that you may have to undo.

Take care of yourself right now - that's the important thing. Decide to do what's right for you and your family. Whatever you decide, the people on these boards are wonderful, with a ton of advice for you. Whatever you're going through, someone else here already has!!