I have done everything wrong....

[marmie]

hi islander. i am really new here too and i have spent hours reading here.
i know you miss her so bad but do not send the letter. why? because from what i understand, it will feed her more cake she will know she has two men's attention now. so why would she start thinking about coming back to you when she has her two men right now? it also makes you look needy and weak. and pushy. women hate this.
stay in no contact for now.
please do not send her a letter.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Tell her you're preoccupied and are a busy, busy person. You don't have to give her an explanation.

[Denver_2010]

Exactly. You do not owe her an explanation as to why you aren't returning her calls or her texts. She is the one who left the M, not you.

I agree that the letter will make you come across as needy, weak, and pushy. I'm sorry man, I'm just being honest. You need to act "as if" you are strong and will be just fine without your W... even if you don't feel that way right now. Fake it til you make it.

I completely understand why you want to send the letter. I really do. In the first few weeks of my sitch I also considered a letter to my W. That was right before I found this website. You really need to listen to the advice that you are getting here.

Grocery is right too. The words that you say or write right now cannot be taken back. Understand that you are not in a good place emotionally to be putting things out there to W that you cannot take back or that may hurt your efforts to get her back in the future (if that is what you decide to do). You need to stay dark and really work on detaching right now. Focus on you!!

Grocery is also right about actions speaking louder than words. Your letter may say that you don't want to be friends with W, or that you are done, or whatever else you decide to put in it. But what she will see is this:

"Islander is devastated without me. He will be there if and when I ever decide that I want to go back to him. He can't get over me. Islander just doesn't get that I don't want to be with him. Why doesn't Islander listen to me about what I want." etc.

Actions are much more effective. Staying dark and detaching are acts that show W that you DO NOT need her. That you ARE strong. That you WILL BE JUST FINE on hour own. Again, even if you don't feel these ways now, you have to act "as if".

Hang in there. You are doing great.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

Thanks for all of your input I will seriously reconsider my decision to send her the letter. This is so hard going dark. I have never not talked to her this long before.

[Denver_2010]

Going dark with a WAS will be one of the hardest things that you have ever done in your life. It is necessary though.

[islander]

She just text me and said she was sorry she ruined our relationship and hurt me, then sent another one that said she hopes I find happiness that I deserve it and she understands if I don't talk to her anymore.

I want to call or text her so bad. I am restraining myself and will not right now. Any advice.

[Denver_2010]

Don't reply!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to get your hopes up that things are moving in your direction, but I think that this is a baby step... She is thinking about you!!!! You going dark is having an effect I think.

My W texted me something very similar after about a week of darkness. I didn't realize it then, but it was the first baby step of many that have occurred since.

STAY DARK

BITS
Denver

[islander]

At what point should I respond. Your right though, she is definitely thinking about me, trying to get a response.

[Denver_2010]

"at what point should I respond?" That's the million dollar question. I can't really answer that. I just know that it isn't yet.

Right now, she is with OM. Right now, she is feeling A LOT of guilt. Right now, she does not want to be M'd to you.

Responding will only validate what is going on with her RIGHT NOW.

She needs time away from hearing your voice and your words. Hopefully, this time away will allow her to begin to feel other emotions that are more healthy for your M. Emotions related to what she is giving up, missing you, remembering good aspects of her M to you, etc. This is one of the main reasons for going dark. The other being that of giving yourself a chance to become stronger, more focused, and emotionally balanced. You have just been round housed punched by Mike Tyson and knocked silly... you need the darkness so that you can come to your senses. So that you can act and react in a rational way.

I'd really consider staying dark for a good 2 or 3 weeks. Then reassess where you are at.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

That seems like a lifetime right now. But time is all I have. I can't go completely dark as we still have all of our bills together, and then there are taxes to file. As fat as the bills are concerned I plan on brief emails. Taxes will have to be done together though, sometime soon.