wife planning long term separation

[shaves]

I will start by thanking everyone involved with this site, it has been a great help in my current situation. My wife and i have been together for 7 years and married for 4. We have 2 great kids girl,5 and boy,4. we are both 31. Our marraige is falling apart, has been for a long time. Mostly due to my taking her for granted and not resonding to her needs in the proper manner. I have always loved her and told her so, but my actions didnt always convey the message. She was raised in a divorced family and her father was never around, by her mother with her faternal twin sister and 3 older sisters. They were all very close. I was raised in a traditional family with good values, but never showed much affection towards each other. Of course the love was there but never talked about. Wife had pleaded with me that she needed more positive reinforcement from me and I could never dig deep enuf to give it to her. I was foolish. I didn't know what kind of damage it was doing to her. I would do ok for a while and her pleads would diminsh, then i would slip into my old bad habits. Not giving her the positve things she needed. She had mentioned couseling and i always blew it off. Foolish. If I could only do it over. About 4 months ago, she started to get very distant. I realized this and began looking at myself. I started to change, but she was un receptive. We scheduled a couseler for the 6th of Dec. we went, i was a little skeptical, but i did gain from it. When we returned home, got the children to bed, she told me she has been haveing thoughts of being finished with the marriage. I was dumbfounded. Since then things have snowballed, i have done everything in my power to help the marriage, but she did evrything to try to avoid having to think about it. It killed me. We did counseling together 3 more times, he told us it was not benificail for me to attend anymore, seeing i was doing all i could. She went alone 2 times and she had said that it didnt help her at all. Maybe her self esteem. But she said she could still not bring herself to work on the marriage. She went to stay at her sisters for a week, and when she returned she said she wants a long term seperation, most likely a divorce following. Said her feelings for me have changed. She is looking for appartments. Told me I should move on, she cant see changing her mind. Doesnt want the kids to grow up in a loveless marriage. What do I do? Do I help her find a place? I know she will go with my help or not. She and the kids are my entire life, is there any chance to heal this?

[Denver_2010]

Start by reading Divorce Remedy ASAP Shaves.

If your W believes that your M is 'loveless', start showing her unconditional love right now! I don't mean that you should do things that are 'pursuing' her or trying to change her mind. Quite the contrary. Do this by listening to her and validating her feelings. I suggest that you make it very clear to her, ONE TIME, that you love her with all of your heart and that you want to work on M. Then you shut up about it.

Personally, and this is JMO, if she is dead set on moving out, helping her find a place might be good in your sitch. Others may disagree. I say this, bc it will show her that you really do understand her feelings and where she is emotionally. It may also help you avoid what I went through for the first few weeks after my W physically moved out of home which was anger and silence (darkness). If you can be her friend right now, this may help you tremendously in the months ahead. Again, this is JMO and I have a feeling that others may disagree.

Other advice:

1) begin to detach from W emotions and choices
2) start 180s whatever those may be for you
3) GAL - start doing things that make YOU happy

Denver

[wanda15]

OK, you have come to the right place for help. First off, have you read DR yet?

Could you explain a little bit more about what it was that your W was asking from you? What did she need positive reenforcement for? I am asking because it's hard to give advice without a few more details.

Keep reading the stories in here and all the great advice that goes with them. Everyone here is here for the same reason. Big hugs to you.

[Queen_of_Swords]

You ,like everyone here, has a chance. Get "Divorce Recovery" pronto, work the program, get the help you need here. No one can say it's over really. It is over if you make the decision to bail/ give up. If you can do some of the work Divorce Busting before she leaves it's going to be easier for you, and she can see you've changed because your contact will be more frequent.
The advice from the book is to be a kind, open, receptive, but casual "neighbor" in attitude and demeanor.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Shaves,
Welcome to the club. Let me first start by saying my W said all the same things and did the same things. But don't lose hope. Everything she is saying is a defense mechanism. She is scared and thinks it will be easier to dump you if she hurts you. Don't take the bait. On Oct. 27th, my W said all the same things and then put it all in an email two days later. Now, she is starting to apologize for saying that stuff. No, we are not safe yet. Actually, she is sending movers for her stuff on Monday. But, I am in a much better place with her right now than where I was three months ago. You must buy, read and practice what you will find in The Divorce Remedy. It works. Read my sitch.

It is really, really scary how many folks I have found on this site that have identical situations. I did the same thing. I loved my W with all my heart, but I had really bad ways of showing it. I joined the Navy at 17 and grew up in that environment. An environment where emotion was considered weakness. While in the service, I had a string of very, very bad relationships. I got out, went to college and met my W. Unfortunately, for years, she carried the relationship because I was unable to be as emotional as she would have liked. She walked out on me last September. She now has an apartment and I am doing everything I can to save this thing. Please catch up on my sitch entitled "I failed miserably." You will see just how close our sitchs are. You will also get some insight on some of the things I have done over the past few months. I can't stress enough that following the DR and DB to the letter will help. In four months by following the DR, I have been able to at least get my W to admit that the S is tough on her and I have seen some doubt in her eyes during our last couple of meetings.

Catch up on my sitch and get back with me. We have a small group of folks on here that stay in touch with each other. We are all in just about the same sitch. You are more than welcome to join in. Not to mention, I have really wonderful insurance through my job. It pays for me to see a MC weekly, so I take advantage of that. I do my best to post my MC's advice on here from time to time so that I all can benefit. The best things in life are free!!

Good luck. Remember, you are not alone. We are here for you man. This site is a life saver when you are in your house alone at night and just need a friend.

Take care!

Fellonblackdays (FOBD)

[tjack45]

First off, welcome to the place that nobody wants to be!

Newcomers list of things to do and not due.....

Do not reason, plead, beg, follow her around trying to do everything right.... (this is un-natractive and will never work to get her back)

What attracts a woman?.... A strong, confident, calm, decisive man that is in control of his life.... So how do you get to this man when the life you know is falling apart..... It takes time...

Here are some terms you need to understand as part of a way to save YOURSELF....

GAL = get a life.... start a new hobby, start talking to old friends that you have lost touch with, exercise....this is a big one... It helps relieve stress, makes you feel better about yourself and helps take your mind off your sitch (situation).

180 - do the opposite of what you would normally do.... Figure out what your unproductive behaviors were and change them... If you change the way you act, the way people respond will change as well... Have you ever tried a verbal argument with someone that is calm and in complete control of themself? They are aware and don't fall for traps.

Detach - google Livestrong detachment and read this every day. It helps you come to terms with what you can control... It is you... trying to change the way someone else feels is unhealthy and leads to a very sick emotional state. This time is for you, bro... Don't think of this as the end of the world... this is an opportunity to become the man that you want to be (it's not for her though...its for you and your kids)

"Told me I should move on" "long term separation" These are phrases used by someone involved in an affair. Is their any co-workers or old flames that she could have become involved with..... Has she told you I love you, but I'm not in love with you? Don't think for a second that her morals are too high or she isn't the cheating type.... When people's needs aren't being met affairs CAN and WILL happen.

"What do I do? Do I help her find a place?" You don't shield a walk away from their behavior... They want to move, she can find a place and have her friends move her. She want's a divorce then she can do all the leg work... your too busy working on yourself

Be a great dad, find your happiness.. be upbeat and positive in her presence.... Do NOT ever act on emotions... If you want to call her and tell her how much you miss her come here. If she tries to drag you in a fight, tell her calmly that you can talk about it when it can be done in a respectful manner. Don't say I love you anymore, she doesn't feel that way right now.

She doesn't respect you as a man right now.... that is what got you here.

Start reading... Divorce remedy, his needs her needs,

[shaves]

Thanks everyone. Divorce Remedy is on the way. Should I hide the fact I am reading it from her? Its gunna be a while before she can afford to find a new place, so we are in the house with the kids, sleeping seperately.(i figure it will take a month or more). She was bouncing around between sisters houses but it was killing the kids on sleep. She agreed to come home for the kids' sake. Can I use this time to my advantage?
During our marriage wife felt she didn't get the feeling that I loved her, respected her, needed her. Never told her she was did a great job, that kind of thing. I was inconsiderate. She also has said we married for the wrong reasons. (We were pregnant before we were married.) I would tell her none of these things were true, but that was no where near enuf. She felt alone for a long time. I did not do a good job at affirming my love and commitment. She said she is not willing to work on the marriage now due to the fact she worked at it alone for a long time.
She has always been a social butterfly, and when things got bad in our marriage, she turned away from me and to facebook and any social event she could to get away. she was either texting or on facebook all the time. She put it in front of working on our problems talking to me ect.
So here we are in the same house after she announed the separation, which she feels will lead to certain divorce. Its awful hard to watch her act very normal and almost carefree. I fear this is not a good sign. She has her network of friends scoping for places to rent.
Do I hide DB from her? Do I tell her what I am going to work on? I have been treating her more like a friend since she agreed to stay here. Trying to stay calm and collected. I don't want to dig my hole any deeper. We act like nothing is wrong in front of the children. She knows how I feel, that I love her and will do anything to reconsile. We talked finances last nite, how we can make living apart work on our income. Our lives are both going to be reduced to pennies to live on. She agreed to help me keep the house I built before we were together. Again, can I use the time we have in the same house to my advantage?

[shaves]

thank you everyone. divorce rememdy is on the way.

[tjack45]

Divorce Remedy is yours.... Realize that words mean absolutely nothing right now.... She FEELS like she can't work on the marriage anymore.. Now that she is out, you are in.... One of you is going to have to give... My advice is to treat her civilly, don't get dragged into fights...
here is an example as how you VALIDATE your wife's feelings...

W- Shaver you were an inconsiderate a##hold and you treated me like sh#t for too long... I am DONE
shaver- W, you are right, I guess I never thought of it like that, I was an ass and the way I treated you was wrong.. I understand why you are DONE.

"We talked finances last nite, how we can make living apart work on our income. Our lives are both going to be reduced to pennies to live on."
There is consequences for her actions... This is out of your CONTROL.. It is stressful, but don't bring it out to her.. You are happy, you are going to make a budget and do the best you can... Worst case you lost the house... Horrible, but it isn't the END of the world.. don't let things you can't control ruin your life.. Find your happiness.

Validating allows people to be RIGHT for the way they feel. arguing with people's feelings accomplishes nothing. In the above scenario, If you were to justify yourself or blame her for her shortcomings it would only maker her FEEL more sure that DIVORCE is the right choice. This is critical that you actually LISTEN to her words and OWN your crap behavior.

Now, if you actually listen and Validate her feelings...She may actually begin to take your side. w- you know what.. Maybe shaves wasn't such an ass, I certainly wasn't a saint..ect.

"Its awful hard to watch her act very normal and almost carefree. I fear this is not a good sign. She has her network of friends scoping for places to rent."
trust me she is confused and hurt deeply, she just isn't showing it.

"sleeping seperately"

You keep the marital bed, she sleeps wherever.. A lot of people here just get weak and do whatever their walk-away wife says... This is a big point to show her you NEED to be RESPECTED. You keep the marital bed, she wants out.. sleep somewhere else then.. she wants to move...there is the door... She has to put on her big-girl panties and do the work, and accept the consequences. You do all this calmly and in a respectful manner.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Shaves,
Tjack is right. Don't argue right now. Agree without cheating yourself. His example conversations are right on. I can attest that I have used this on my W over the past two weeks and it seems to have made a difference. Also, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. When she fell in love with you, I guarantee at some point she was attracted to your strength. Being a doormat will not be attractive. It took me a month to figure that out. Well, actually, I didn't figure it out. I learned it by reading the DR.

No, don't show her the DR. That is your secret weapon. Keep it to yourself and read in privacy. If she sees you reading it, she will know where you are getting your new "self" and shewill think it is the book and not you making the changes. Read it and get back to us with your thoughts.

FOBD