Well LIS, it has been extremely busy with the kids and skating, school and just juggling all of their activities. Throw in that i now have them all the time as my w just doesnt show up for her visits. I made arrangements for this past weekends visit to be at my parents for her. It is close to her place so she could bus there. She did plan on spending saturday night with them but didnt. She spent 8hrs with them on saturday and 6 hours with them on Sunday, but really she watched tv and they watched movies and played games with Mema and Papa. blows my mind, I guess OM really has laid down the law about her staying at other peoples homes.
I have been firm with her on the OM and his drug habits. I will not discuss it further, she either proves he isnt using or he doesnt see the kids. I refuse to fight with her, and to be honest she isnt liking it. She has tried numerous times over the last few days to get me to fight, and i just refuse to. I am as polite as can be. Dont know how i am doing it, but it feels good. My children are happy with me about this as their mom tells them if she comes home, mommy and daddy will always fight. So i am showing them that i am a bigger person and not fighting. I feel great. Since making this decisin i am happier, i amd not stressed out as much and to be honest, i love to see her squirm when she doesnt get the reactin she is looking for.
I will keep it up, and see how long it takes for her to soften on her end. I have told the kids that i am enjoying all the time i have with them, and we make the most of it. Alot of crafts and models! lol. I also told them that it looks like mommy isnt coming home anytime soon, and we need to live our new life and have fun with it. If and when mommy leaves OM and wants to be a family again we will discuss it then.
until then, we are a new family and we are doingf okay.
Tank, I am so proud of you. I sincerely hope that you are proud of yourself!!!! I know this is hard for you and you are doing so great and your attitude is great.
I like to hear that she is squirming. If she felt trapped at home, I can't imagine how she feels with this OM who seems crazy controlling.
You are creating a great environment for the kids too.
Question - have you heard from the father of your older ones? How is that going?
JTB, thanks for the suggestion on the game, i will look for it this weekend. I am really do well with this new me. I am feeling a lot better about myself and my kids and i are living.
LIS, thanks for the support. I dont have a lot of time these days, as you can tell by my lack of posts. How are you doing?
This week has been busy. My wife's grandmother passed away and the funeral was yesterday. I drove my MIL, my wife, and her father to the funeral. Her father is an alcoholic who she hasnt had a lot to do with in her life. He has become sober and has reached out to her and my MIL and me and MIL and I are trying for him. His entire family is alcoholics so there is no wupport.
He asked me to take him to the funeral, My wife wasnt even going to go, but her mom talked her into it. At the funeral, my wife was very upset and shaking and crying. I really didnt know what to do. I touched her arm and asked if she needed anything and i then just rubbed her shoulders and back. kept it simple so she knew i was there.
She introduced me to her family as her husband, and answered all the usual questions about our family and where we live etc. as if everything was normal. That hurt me a little, but i didnt show it.
The four of us actually went into her dads apartment for a couple of hours for coffee after the funeral. It was a sad day but for me a good one. Her dad asked her if she rented where she was living and her comment to that question was, im just staying there.
When i was dropping her off to the OM house, I asked her if the kids were to visit Mema's and papa's this weekend, would she like to spend some time with there with them. She said yes and thankyou.
I told her to have a good night and if she needed anything to call me.
Great job, Tank! You put her needs first, showed her you're there when times are hard (why didn't OM care enough to take her to the funeral??? She's most likely asking herself that). She introduced you as her H - that's a good thing. She could've said XH, or just your name, but didn't. Great job with the kids too.
Looks like you're doing everything right under the circumstances.
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
So I took my two youngest to my parents this weekend as the oldest 2 are at there dads. When i talked with my wife after her grandmothers funeral, she said she would go and see them.
Well, it looks like i sent my kids there for no reason. She didnt show up. On a good note, i didnt tell the kids that they were at Mema's and Papa's so mommy could see them. So at least they wont be disappointed.
I just cant seem to figure any of this out. She was such a good mom, now she doesnt see the kids during the week, and she gave up seeing them on the weekend. Our youngest boy (who is very special to her) had not seen his mom since new years eve until i made arrangements for her to see them at my parents last weekend. How can she be away from them so longÉ
She was a stay at home mom for 13 years, now its like she doesnt even have any children. I sure hope she realizes what she is doing and she realizes quickly.
No matter what happens, the kids need their mom.
As for me, well, i am doing good. I dont have a pit in my stomach anymore, i dont think about her every minute of the day. I am having fun, both at home and when i am out.
I actually think i am ready to start casual dating. A girl at the gym has asked me out for a drink next friday, I said yes. Now a good wingman is important, so my buddy who works out with me asked if him and his wife could come and she said yes. So atleast i have a small group. The first plunge.
So i am starting to really see who I am and where i want my life to go. The funny thing is, once i adapted this positive outlook, good things have happened.
thanks for reading everyone, and thanks for your support.
Well i have so much to say. After that last posting, i found out she wasnt at my parents as she got picked up by the police for failing to appear for her court date for her theft charges.
She was only held 24 hrs as she was attending her grandmothers funeral when she should have been in court, so they understood why she forgot and let her out.
The really good point about this is at first she was rude to me and she told me she had a really bad weekend and i could ask my people to find out why. I told her no, that i didnt need to do that as i was asking her. She softened and told me everything that had happened. I then asked her when her court date for her driving under a suspended license was. She told me and i asked her how she was getting there and she said she didnt know. So i offered to take her, and she accepted.
Last wednesday, I picked her and our mutual friends up and brought them out to the house for dinner. W was taking bus over to friends place. I parked my company car right out front of there house waiting for her to get there. she shows up with OM who is dropping her off. We witness some raised voices and she slams the car door as she gets out. None of us say anything. When i drop our friends off and then head to drop her off after dinner, OM phoned our friends to find out if she was there, as she hadnt called him and told him what she was doing. When our friend said she was on her way home and i was dropping her off, her said F'ing great and hung up the phone.
That friday for her court I showed up to her place an hour before the time with a coffee in hand and she seemed genuinly happy to see me. I took her to court, i asked to speak to the crown before appearing before the judge and got her a $500 fine and a 6 month suspension instead of the minimum 1 yr and $1000. So i looked like a hero there!
On the way home, she told me her she got her first pay cheque but they didnt direct deposit it. I offered to cash it for her in my account as hers gets held for 7 business days. So she had money for her weekend visit with the kids, which she had at my parents home and she stayed from friday to sunday, my parents looked after the kids while she worked sunday and she came right back there after work.
I asked her why i took her to court, why i was cashing her pay cheque? why wasnt OM taking care of these issues? Her response was, "I dont know and they dont discuss money or her issues." nice relationship.
Her phone died saturday afternoon, and she forgot her charger, so she couldnt talk to OM. Well she got home Sunday night and charged it and went to work on Monday leaving it at home. When she got home Monday night she sent me a text asking me to make a list of all phone numbers for the kids and family, as strangely all texts, msgs and her address book had been erased from her phone!
I told her someone had to have erased the msg or the sim card went bad, but if that had happened she wouldnt be able to use it now. I left it at that, but it seems awefully strange that the OM is very controlling and now her phone is erased.
Now comes the real funny part, i was at our mutual friends and they are friends with OM's ex girlfriend, and she was there. OM got her hooked on drugs and she became dependant on getting them from him and ended up having an affair with him. She only got out when her dad walked in the door, took her and admitted her to the hospital. She said he was very controlling, never wanted her to work and never gave her any money, always did all the shopping etc. and only left her with smokes and drugs to get through the day. So i got a very good insight into the OM.
So i am picking up w tomorrow to bring her out for her visit with the kids. I went out of my way and bought her a new cell phone today and a pocket calendar so she can keep track of her work hours. Maybe this was too much, but this phone can be locked so no one can erase any data without the password.
Now as per me, I am doing well, I went out with my friends and the women from the gym, had a great meal and danced til 2am. It was fun, and thats how i left it. She has asked me to a movie next week. I told her that right now i am just looking to be friends and not get romantically involved with anyone. She said that was great and she wants to hang out and get to know me. She knows that i am separated from my wife and not divorced and she is fine with just being my friend.
On a personal level, I am doing great, the stress decrease with the new job is much easier on me, and i get to spend a lot more time at home with my kids. I am almost off of my anxiety meds and should be with in the month.
I am happy with myself, i have disconnected from my wife. I dont contact her at all unless its about the kids. We are communicating, and she is showing genuine interest in their day to day lives. I find something positive about every day and it helps keep me happy. So i am doing very well and i am enjoying my life.
So there is my long update. I will try to catch up on others stories.
Ok, so i picked my wife up yesterday and brought her to the house for her visit with the kids. She was very thankful for the new phone and for me driving her. She then asked me if she could bring our dog home with her for a few days. I told her i would have to think about it and discuss it with her mom as we all got the dog together.
Well her mom flipped out, as far as she is concerned the dog is family and she doesnt want any of her family near OM. So i told my wife, i am fine with it but she had to convince her mom.
I got sucked into that conversation. The mother and daughter combo is not a good one to play mediator at, trust me.
Needless to say, as i was sitting there trying to help them talk about everything, i realized, Im still trying to fix my wifes life. when ever she has a problem, i just fix it. No questions asked. she had phone issues, i got her a new one. she has forgotten about her kids, i remind her. i give her rides. i make sure they see her.
I guess that after 20 years of doing it, i dont even notice that i am doing it. Well last night while sitting between a mother and a daughter, i realized it. To be honest it brought tears to my eyes at that very moment.
I looked at my wife and told her, i cant fix her issues anymore. I cant always make things right or ok any more. If she wants her family including her dog, she has to do it, i cant. I cant make it so she has my support and my attention and my solutions when she disrespects me this way. I told her there will be no more rides, there will be no more visits at my house and there will be no more favours. She needs to fix her life and solver her own problems.
I looked at my mother in law and said "mom here is your daughter, if you want a relationship with her, make it happen". i then looked at my wife and repeated the words, left the room and slammed the door. I was very emotional at that moment
I drove my wife home and to be honest i just cranked the tunes and she didnt say a word.
