Here is my situation and i hoping to get some help.
------- Me and my wife are 28 years old,we know each other from over 12 years.We started dating in high school and got married 4 years ago.Currently,we are separated since over 1 year and 3 months.We are still married,but it's going down south due to past hurt and experiences my wife had.Yesterday,i spoke to her and she opened up with me after longg time.I would say for the first time. --- She told me she loves me,she told me why she was behaving angry etc.She was crying whole time,she told me that when we were teenager,i did not trust her and that made her loose respect for me.We got into relationship early so we had to go through some money struggle initially,her parents' try to stop her in all ways for not getting married,they gave lot of pain and trouble to both of us.Her mother is clinically depressed and has bi polar disorder.My wife ran away,left her job and i left country,my job and we got married in canada.But that experience traumatized her so so so much that she is not able to forgive me for the pain that caused her.She told me she got married because she was committed to me,but she doesn't want keep marriage as that's all her mind can think of.She said to me she wants to start from scratch, she is hoping she can start fresh with me as she loves me.She told me that i have made many positive changes.She is very strong head and can not change her mind even if she wants to sometimes.She told me she badly wants to make love with me but thoughts of divorce are holding her back.I told her i will support her whatever she wants.We talked about wrapping up some outstanding financial stuffs and than proceed for divorce. ---- During conversation,When i asked her do you think getting over past pain requires help and divorce is not solution?she said she is ready to get help,but not for saving marriage.Even if we divorce she will not be able to get over her past pain,she is very depressed,she has been thinking about quitting her job and saying depressing stuffs which makes me worry for her.I think she may be clinically depressed but i dare not to say that.I am very much worried for her and i love her.I want to do everything i can to support her to get out of this pain even if it means divorce or more.She was crying during entire conversation. ---- For over a year,i have extensively worked on my self.I am at a point where do not know what else i can do.I know i need more help and i know she needs more help.Everyone has been advising me to leave this marriage and logically it makes sense too.I have so many wounds too but i will talk about it later.I agree with all my wife said and i can see how she was wounded from my actions or inaction. ----
For now,this could be the only time she will be ready for some help and if it doesn't work than marriage will be over for sure.last time we went to marriage counselor but it sucked.I have individual counseling with divorce busting and that helped me lot to improve situation and i am still married. ---
Please advice me what should i do? Should i proceed with divorce and let her heal her wounds by her self? or should i try to do some counseling(but she doesn't want that for saving marriage,just for healing) for past wounds with her? --- We both are suffering and we do not know what else to do where else to go. --- In summray,here are some specific issues::
1.Past trust issues btw me and my wife when we were teenagers,i was teenager who protected my gal from bad forces.I agree with her views though.I am much relaxed now than what i was as a teenager. 2.In-Laws - gave us so much hard time.My mother in law said so many things abt me that my wife is not able to get over those voices.She believes many of those things are true sometimes are she pounded for 3 years with the same crap from her mother. 3.Money issues - we had to struggle to start out in canada as we both left everything to get married.We got back on feet quickly and now both are independent.But wife is not able to forgive me for that.She even fights with me for $1 talk.(not that much lately) 4.Wife is not able to forget all past stuffs and thinks divorce will give new start from scratch.That's what her mind tells her and she doesn't know any other way out of this pain.She says she loves me and wants to be with me but not with marriage. ---------- Plz advice.
I am in a situation alot like yours but my spouse has came out of her depression and completly let loose. The best advice I can give you is try to think back to what it was that brought you together, the not worrying about making eachother happy. Life happens and things get ignored, people get ignored. Every woman has a problem with not being able to make herself feel that way about us men. We have to be the lion, the happy positive being they can find comfort and protection from. Financial problems are huge, and if you think about it financial problems occur with men because of the lack of confidence because what is going on at home. Be the man and whatever you do don't bring up relationship talk, it may seem like the right thing to do, but I assure you, you cannot convince them to feel for you again. Stay positive andI know it hurts, believe me I am hurting bad right now. I hope this helps a little
