Am I piecing ? Just can't tell 3...

[Sad_but_happy]

Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2115615&page=11


I am piecing and all the uncertainty is still difficult. Still hurtful. Still a daily struggle. My W has been away since Friday at her GF with my son and now I'm off to a business trip till Thursday. Being away is so very difficult.

So is it time to discuss R? I also want to ask if W has contacted OM in the past 80 days. I have no evidence, I just want to know. I believe at some point I'm owed that. I really need to understand her motives. Her actions before leaving showed she wanted to work on R but for me hearing is just as important.

Thoughts?

[Sad_but_happy]

God... Feeling particularly awful right now... Can't focus... Just very sad!

Bad timing, I'm at the airport off to a national sales meeting...

All I want is for my W to call and say, "I can't wait for you to come home. I'm looking forward to getting us to a new and beautiful relationship, I love you."

But she won't...

[MrBond]

Don't bring up the R. Don't let your insecurities get the better of you and ruin the hard work you've done so far.

You're feeling sorry for yourself and it's understandable.

Shake it off and keep focussing on yourself and your job. No expectations. If you learn to have no expectations you aren't going to be disappointing yourself.

[Sad_but_happy]

Trying... Question...

How do I not have expectations? I am doing things for her... Supporting her... Giving her LL... being kind...

I understand the concept but how long can one really give without getting?

I'll be honest here, I've come close to meeting OW in the past two months. Not to do anything physical and I will not have an A... I just need to feel needed/wanted... It feels like it is the true solution to detach... I realize I sound like a p*ssy... Trust me I'm all man...

I didn't do it and I won't but I am lonely. LBS need affection and warmth too.

Damn this feeling is awful!

[Lorie1964]

I didn't do it and I won't but I am lonely. LBS need affection and warmth too.

Damn this feeling is awful!

I totally agree with you 100%! I miss it so much and sometimes am just happy from hugs from friends.

God Bless,

[MrBond]

"I am doing things for her... Supporting her... Giving her LL... being kind..."

So you're doing it solely to get something back. If you're going to do something, do it for the sake of doing it. Think back to when you were first dating. You did stuff for her "just because". That's the attitude to take. If you you're doing it just for the sake of getting something back, then don't do it. This is all part of dropping the rope and attracting her back to you because of you. Not because of the things you do for her.

For lack of a better example (don't be offended here as this is only a figurative example): You're like the dog who is hanging by is master's side looking for approval. "look I can get your slippers" "look I can get your newspaper" "look I can roll over and look cute". In the end the master regards the dog but doesn't respect it. That's an extreme example, but you get the picture.

"I understand the concept but how long can one really give without getting?"

That's up to you. If you do things solely for the purpose of getting, then you will be disappointed every time. Because when she starts being receptive to you, you are going to be thinking she should be doing more. But those are your expectations, not hers. She will move at her own pace and you have no control over that.

[MrBond]

BTW, if you want to go out with another woman, go ahead. Only if you want to and can live with the decision. But don't do it because you want her to pat you on the head and say "good boy".

[Sad_but_happy]

"So you're doing it solely to get something back"

Not exactly, but eventually...

If I was dating OW and giving "just because" I would certainly have SOME expectation of reciprocation... If she never reciprocated, I'd probably get lonely and stop dating her...

That's the true risk the WAS takes... The fact that I'm even thinking of OW is dangerous.

I will not meet anyone. I just need this forum to vent.

[Harrier]

Okay, I'm going to be a jerk here. If you don't want to read it. Stop here.

I'll be honest here, I've come close to meeting OW in the past two months.

Trust me I'm all man...

You mentioned this several times. How you've had opportunities and how you've put them aside.

Let me tell, you aren't "all man." Not even close. A man wouldn't get all pissy because he doesn't get what he wants from his wife. A man doesn't turn to other women because things aren't moving fast enough for him. A man doesn't take the easy way instead of working on his marriage...when his W is giving him a chance.

Honestly, you are behaving like a 4-year old. I saw this in my son the other night. He didn't get want he wanted so he said "I don't like you, Daddy" and pouted. It was kind of an eye opener and I realize that with affection....I've been a 4-year old sometimes.

At this stage of the game, you have to decide what you can life with. If you need affection/attention from females. Go out meet OW and live with the consequences. Or you need to cut your losses with your W, if she isn't meeting your needs.

I don't know how many times people have said this to you. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. You have to trust that your W is working on these things and will get to a relationship you can be happy with. But you aren't there yet and this attitude isn't helping..even if you are ALWAYS nice around her and only vent on her.

This will be an issue. the fact that she is in the house, sleeping in the same bed, letting you initiate contact and working on the marriage should be enough for you for now.

I look at it like this. i can do 6 months with no hugs, kisses, etc. If it means my marriage is stronger/better for the next 40 years. You have to decide for yourself.

[Sad_but_happy]

I just called S12 and W to say goodbye (I always do when getting on a plane). No ILU... I understand the no expectations thing... Now I'm disappointed..

I don't know how to both detach AND piece...