My wife moved out 11/10/10. She came back on the 13th and gathered most of her belongings which I packed and staged for her. I was trying to be helpful. Well I have not seen or spoken to her in over two months now. Our only communication has been some texts and a couple of short emails. She is cordial in her replies but all business. I was trying to give her space as she requested but I now feel I waited too long to contact her initially (1 month). She has moved in with a very "negative" friend who immediately introduced my wife to some guy. Via phone records I have seen their communications go from a slow stream to a raging torrent. At this point I don't think it's a PA. He is just meeting some emotional needs. The W seems to be doing everything to sever every tie with me. Also she is doing much more drinking than is normal for her. I know she has contacted an attorney and has filed for divorce last week. I should be served soon. She does not know that I know this. I have been very good about keeping positive and not pressuring though I did give her a letter last week stating my desire for a future with her and my love for her. I see my situation deteriorating and so instead of these texts I've been sending I decided it was time to call her. She did not answer the phone. I left a short friendly message. It should be known that 1) I had an emotional affair three years ago which I told her about, 2) she left two years ago and we reconciled several months later but alot of damage was done at this time, 3) her mother divorced her husband this time last year and is facilitating my wifes divorce. The spring board to her leaving this time is an argument we had on 10/16/10. Up to this time though things were going pretting well between us for months. I didn't have any big blow ups, she was being very loving and saying how much she loved me and our home, then "snap" and she says she needs a break and she can't be in "that house". There are a lot of other details I'm leaving out but this post is getting long. Any thoughts on my sitch? What should I do once I'm served? I thought I would write her an email where I am friendly and tell her I understand why she has come to this decision. I talk to my DB coach tomorrow. Thanks.
Sorry to hear all this. I hope the board can help you greatly. It will be easier to provide advice if you provide some personal info, yours and her ages, any kids, etc?
First thing thar strikes me is, you feel you waited too long to contact her initially, can you elaborate on why you think that?
How do you know about the drinking and the actual filing for divorce? I can see you are spying, which is a serious topic in itself, but you wouldn't know these details from phone records only. What else are you doing that is giving you this troubling information?
Looks like you have done "okay", (compared to a lot of people anyway) with the not pressuring, but you can see that the letter and the phone call did not bring forth the responses you were hoping for. She may have felt pressured, or just didn't know how to respond, or just flat out didn't want to. Hard to say. My advice is to avoid sending her any more emails, because you can't take back the things you say in print. It's always "out there" and you might wish you hadn't.
More details are always best to help give you better advice. Sounds like you are very cognizant that your EA really strained your marriage, it would be helpful to know more about that too.
In the meantime, are you doing things for yourself or are you crippled by thinking of what she's doing every waking moment?
Let us know a bit more about these things. In the meantime, I wish you well.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Grocerykartman- I know about her partying through her mother and brother. Her brother stayed with me over the holidays and so my mother in law was always over here too. Plus she has things stored in my basement.
I had a coach (not DB) that told me that I should have maintained some contact with her from the beginning. She seemed ambivilant and now she seems resolved to divorce me. For example, the day after she left she initiated a nice text. It read happy Veterans Day (I was in USN). Three days later when she moved her things out she text me something nice aswell. Since then nothing unless it's about business. I initiate all contact. Her friend and the people she is surrounding herself with are having a huge influence on her. The EA may just be a friend, IDK. When she left the first time she did the same thing, met a guy through her friend and the texting and calls were numerous. When she came back I found out it was not as bad as it looked. This time though, idk.
As far as the filing, let's just say I know and I'd like to leave it at that. I have really curtailed my spying and am now resolved to stop it all together. The emails were on the advice of my coach and didn't get too personal just friendly. I won't email her at this point.
I am doing things for myself but I am still somewhat paralyzed by this. I mean things seemed so good right up to the point where she left or at least much better than they had been. She even told me through tears when she left that things only seemed better on the surface.
MrBond- Yes. I have read DR several times. I am thinking of getting DB.
UPDATE-- My W text me this morning and she said she got my message and wants to talk. This isn't because I called though. She had already requested a talk before I left on business two weeks ago. She agreed to come by the house after she gets out of work on Weds which I was happy about. I'm sure she will drop the "D" on me. My coach with DB (I dropped the other) told me to ask for nothing and just listen. Of course my urge is to plead or argue for the marriage.
I realized I forgot the personal info. just as I hit submit. I'm putting it below. Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate them.
DR is the upgraded version of DB. If you are interested, you might like Keeping Love Alive tapes. It comes with a workbook and helps to keep you solution oriented. You might wait until you are finished with coaching.
Follow your DB coach's advice. Just listen. It is so hard to just do, but it is a great skill to master. You might find some of your viewpoints changing and your understanding of your wife erally increase.
One thing you MIGHT like to do, is find a place to journal what you learn about your wife as soon as you can after the conversation. It's something that you could do here.
She agreed to come by the house after she gets out of work on Weds which I was happy about. I'm sure she will drop the "D" on me. My coach with DB (I dropped the other) told me to ask for nothing and just listen. Of course my urge is to plead or argue for the marriage.
Show her a strong, confident man... Practice this, this will be a great time to show her how much you have changed.... Absolutely no melty man, no pleading, crying, begging.... All these will just make her more sure that you aren't the one for her!
Thanks so much to all of you. When all of this began I started journaling. I kept it up for about a month and then stopped. Well yesterday I started again because I had a great many thoughts flying around my mind. I am trying to compartmentalize my brain. I am trying to focus on all the good things I have and and that I do which have nothing to do with her. It started to feel real to me that if I can give her something of the man I was and none of the bad she's dealt with for so long, maybe the tide will start to turn.
Two issues with our relationship are 1) I travel for work and leave her to hold down the fort for weeks and even a couple months at a time. She gets very lonely, and 2) she wants children and in the past I have not. But from the time of the last separation I told her that I was open to having children. This turned into me wanting children which I wanted to discuss with her but she left before that happened.
I have to say that I know she was very lonely the day we fought and I wasn't available to her the way that she needed me to be. I was in a hotel 5 hours away and in a rush to leave for work. Within a month she was moving out.
My W was set to graduate in the Spring. The work load was too much and so she dropped a class and will most likely not be finished with school until next Winter now. But I also think she is stalling. I know she is terrified of the future. She will not find a good job around here and so will have to leave her friends and family. If I then go off to work (I can live anywhere w/my job) she would be left utterly alone.
Grocerykartman- you asked about MY EA. I totally misread that the first time. Well I had been married for about 4 yrs when I met a woman while traveling for work. On again off again we would correspond over the next ten months. She wanted out of her marriage and we would vent to each other. In 01/08 I told my W that I didn't want to be married anymore. I was leaving for a few months of work and at the end of it I would go see the OW. Well I did and things were not good between us. I was always thinking of my W a bit but on St. Pats I decided to come home. That is significant because it is the day I asked my W to marry me. Later when my W left a year later she started a relationship with some guy that looked suspicious. That's when I told her of my EA to try to explain that it's not worth it and that you can turn things around. It should be noted that my BIL thinks my MIL believes I'm cheating on my W every time I travel.
So from 05/07 to 05/10 I had really checked out of our marriage. I have been a total a** to my W. I had finally emerged from my fog and had been making changes since then but it looks like a case of too little too late. God I hope I can turn this thing around.
You've opened quite a bit, and I commend you for it. It's certainly not an easy thing to do to discuss your hand in the matter. At the risk of placing you in any further discomfort, you told your W 4 years a go that you didn't want to be married anymore. Will you elaborate on why you thought that? Was it just the "rush" of the OW? Did you have serious issues with your W then that you felt you couldn't address with her first? I think its important to study that time a little bit closer, because it seems as if that has shaped both of your thoughts about things ever since.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Gman- I told my W I didn't want to be married anymore because I was tired of her childish behavior. I came to a point where I was under a great deal of stress with dizzie spells and crazy outbursts. It was a really wierd time and I can't totally explain it. When the OW came along she comforted me in a way my W could not or would not.
My W has often times pulled away from the relationship. It seams she would always pick a fight with me before I left for a job and upon my return. It goes back to the very beginning of our relationship. We have talked about the "Thursday phone call" over the years. This was a time when we first started dating and I was leaving for school. She called me on a Thursday to break it off. When I asked her, "Why? Things were going so well" she told me it was because I was leaving her. Further, after my W left I found a journal entry of hers written three months into the M where she explains how she feels so lonely that she distances herself from me. She wrote, "I'm going to show him how it feels". I mean this explains all the fighting, pouting, and just all around bad behavior she would exhibit. I wish I would have found that entry years ago!
I feel like bringing all of this up today when I see her. I want to bring up the Thursday phone call and the journal entry. I want to ask her if there isn't anything we can do to salvage this M. My coach has told me to ask for nothing. ISN'T THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO OTHER THAN LISTEN AND VALIDATE?! My mother brought by a Christmas gift that was for the W. It can't be taken back as it is engraved with W's name. I was going to give it to her. Also, I am going to wear my wedding ring. I'm not sure what effects these things will have.
