Here we go AGAIN....

[wanda15]

So here I am again on this site. All I can say is thank heavens I knew it was here.I think it has been about 4 years since I have been here.

My story: My H and I have been together for 15 years. We will have been married for 8 this Feb. Things have been up and down since the last time he left. He suffers from depression and was on medication for it. He quit taking his pills for about a year and things went really south. He was not working and he was just sitting at home watching TV. Things picked up for him a few months later and everything seemed to be getting a little better. At least I thought so. Very wrong! He said he was not very happy and he was tired of renting and wanted to buy a house. So after a few months we ended up buying a house. After we moved into our house he was not working all the time. I would come home from work and find him looking at porn. And really weird unusual porn. At first I didnt say anything. I was sort of embarrassed to mention it because of its contents. One night after he had been drinking we ended up talking a little about it. It came out that I dont give him enough sex and not enough attention. Which he is right about. I do not give him enough. And yes I know I fall into the Sex Starved marriage category here. Dont get me wrong, we do have sex, probably 3 or 4 times a week. But its not the pornlike sex he wants. Anyways, the fight seems to be the same so he finally left again.

With all that said, I am not sure where to go from here. I am not even sure I want him to come back. We have kids together and it breaks my heart to see how this is affecting them. H has ben my BF for the last 15 years and it is weird not having him here.

I told him that he needed to give me space and that he was not free to come and go as he pleases anymore. I took the house keys and have told him that he has to text me if he needs to come here. H has a habit of coming and going as he chooses. I spend all day walking on egg shells wondering what his mood is going to be if he shows up. I told him I wasn not going to feel like that anymore so please stay away.

And yes there is a whole lot more to this story. I guess my biggest concern and question is about the porn addiction. How much of what he is looking at really what he wants...because if that is what it is he is looking for I definately can not provide it for him.

Thanks for reading this. Anyone with some insight on this matter would be a great help. I will post some more of my story a little bit later

[hope2011]

Hugs to you Wanda. This is my 2nd time here too (2 different marriages) so I feel for you. No one wants to be here twice (no offense to the lovely people here).

When did he leave? Will he go to counseling at all? When you say unusual porn, is it illegal or dangerous? Meaning - is it child pornography or something that you need to worry about with the kids? If it's plain weird porn... I don't know the answer to your question. Maybe some of the men here can answer that. In my experience with men, they usually only look at things they desire. Does he possibly have a sex addiction?

Good for you for drawing boundaries.

[wanda15]

Thanks hope2011. To answer your question about the porn....no it is not illegal or dangerous just looking at the wrong sex or old old ladies or overly obeese ladies. I think he has a sex addiction and I know he tries to fight it.

He would never do anything to hurt his own 2 kids. He will ignore them for the next little while but that is his worst for them.

So H just text me again. He needs to come over tomorrow to get some of his tools. When I asked what time he would not committ to anything. When I asked if it was just stuff in the shop, he wont answer. He had already texted me this morning about getting his truck and some clothes. I packed a bunch of his stuff, put it in the truck and went and parked it in a parking lot down the road. I really do not want to see him. So now what...do I make him committ to a time and what items he is taking

[wanda15]

P.S. hope2011 he refuses to go to a MC. He thinks its a waste of money and time.

[hope2011]

Yes, Wanda, make him commit to a time and what he's taking. Maybe tell him you have plans tomorrow and he can come between x o'clock and x o'clock?

My H thinks MC is a waste too.

When you try to talk to your H about the porn, what does he say? Have you asked him why he wants to look at that particular type of porn?

[wanda15]

I am trying not to contact him too much. I think I will wait until tomorrow AM and text him for a time. If he is just wanting in the shop then I really dont care what he takes. But if he wants stuff out of the house then I would like to be prepared so it is already outside when he comes. I really do not want to see him. I would like to have a day where my emotions do not run how it goes.

I know my H well enough that he is hoping that I am a complete basket case. i need to hold it together.

As for talking to him about the porn...he just says it is because I dont put out enough. 3 or 4 times a week is not good enough. As for what he is looking at, I am not really sure if he knows how much I know. He has left it on the computer before but I am pretty sure it was a mistake. I dont think he really wants anyone to know what he looks at.

[zengypsy]

I wonder why most men have that attitude about MC.....????

[wanda15]

So I have another concern about tomorrow.When my H left he knew that I did not have enough money for the morgage payment this month. He had contributed a little but not nearly what he should have. I have made most of the payment myself and have made other arrangments for the rest.

One of my H's biggest downfalls is that when things get tough he leaves me to fix it. He will just run and hide until the problem is over. And I know that I play a big part in that because I usually find away to do things.

But if by chance I do see him tomorrow he is going to ask what happened and I do not want to tell him. Is that just playing a game or do I have the right to tell him nothing? I know when I am angry I can have a very vindictive side to me. Just not sure which category this falls under.

Any thoughts would be great!

[wanda15]

Okay so H texted this morning asking if he could get his tools. I asked him when? He said now. I told him he could and he knows how to get into the shop for his stuff. few minutes later he said he needed his hair brush and a towel from the house. I told him I would put it outside the back door for him. He texted back FINE.

Then it takes him an hour and a half to show up. He wondered around outside for what felt like forever...(I think it was 45mins) I had the music cranked and I kept myself busy cleaning. Did not want to be able to hear the doorbell or my phone if he tried to talk to me. He sent me a text while he was here about his birds needing water.(he has birds in a room in the shop)
So after I read the text he was gone and I went out to check on them and none of them really needed any water. Weird!!!!

He looks like crap. I know he is couch hoping at the moment but he usually takes pretty good care of himself.

The one thing that is making me mad is that he has not called to talk to his kids. He knows he doesn't even have to talk to me. And no, I have not said a word to him about it. Just drives me crazy that his kids get put on the back burner because he is going through crap. I would be condemned a lousy mother if I did what he is doing. It's just way to selfish for me.

[wanda15]

I really don't know, zengypsy . Maybe they feel like less of a man if they go to MC. I know my H is ALWAYS concerned about what other people think. Or maybe it is because they know they are going to have to share feelings and be honest. Wish i knew how to change that on.