Can I save this? previously under WAW and Newcomer

[Mountain Lion]

Thanks, Mr Bond and Cadet.

My W is 33, I am 37, nearly (but not quite) 4 years older.

A few things... I assume we are in replay, since there were signs before the A. Initially, it was a classic post-A situation; all she talked about was wanting to "be in love."

But it became clear there were other issues, particularly with career what-ifs. She has a great job, but it is not what she dreamed of. She has avoided mentioning these to the therapist so far as I know, but since I live with her, I know they are there.

The therapist (who needs more time to get the total picture) says that she wants to relive singleness. She married early to have sex and never sowed her wild oats. Some friends have been very blunt with me: she will not be monogamous if you stay, she will not be celibate if you leave.

She has been insistent on wanting to date other people.

I need to make clear... we can all get in better shape, but I run, lift, and am a normal weight! Even she says I look good fine but she is not sexually attracted to me.

ML

[Mountain Lion]

I guess a couple more details after reading through some stuff.

1. She says she never misses me when I am gone, and never has. (correlates to doesn't love and never did)

2. I think I have said this... the plan when we moved was for me to finish my degree and get a good job when it presented itself. She makes enough to support both of us-in ONE apartment. Pretty sure not two. Since the, um, change in plans, I am working on finding something. But right now, financially, we are joined at the hip. ML

[MrBond]

Keep the job search as the first priority. REALLY actively look. Have newspaper clippings around to show your focus. Show you're focused on you. Show that you can be self-sufficient and man enough to be able to support the two of you.

[Mountain Lion]

I am. I was the primary breadwinner for 12 years, even after I went back to school.

[MrBond]

The job is symbolic of your taking charge of your situation. It's the first step to get respect back from your W. You're seeing it in terms of money. Where that is important to some WAS, money doesn't equate to respect.

[Mountain Lion]

Question:

In the first 2 months of this, she was open with me while pushing me away. I tried hard to be there for her emotionally and listened as much as I could. I told her I wanted her to talk to me and share her hurts.

And that was when she told me she didn't want me and wouldn't try to fix our relationship.

Is this an MLC behavior-in other words, the more I tried to help her the worse things got?

I guess its normal to be totally cut off right now in terms of intimacy. That happened at the same time as the above. Its been hell to deal with... if anyone has any ideas, I'd appreciate them.

[Mountain Lion]

Another question. W has a few, really 2, friends she relies on for socialization without me. Not sure they really understand her crisis. I guess my fear is that if I totally withdraw... she really won't miss me. ML

[MrBond]

"I told her I wanted her to talk to me and share her hurts.

And that was when she told me she didn't want me .."

Here you weren't seeing to HER wants. Just yours. You said YOU want her to talk to you. You can't force her to do anything. You could have said that you were there for her and supported her. Big difference.

"I guess my fear is that if I totally withdraw... she really won't miss me."

Well you're there now, does she miss you? If not, then you need to back off. You don't have to go totally dark, maybe dim. But right now you need to eliminate the fear. Once you get rid of your fear, you won't be second guessing yourself.

You can't tell her to not hang out with her friends, its just more control on your part.

[Mountain Lion]

The truth is...

I know what she wants.

She knows my generosity. She knows I love her. To her, that means I give her what she wants, and the fact that I haven't makes her very frustated.

She wants me to leave. She wants permission to find someone else and for me to take the fall for our marriage not working out, or at least half of the blame.

And I can't do it.

[MrBond]

If you can't give her what she wants, especially now, you will lose her. What you're doing isn't working. Why do you think validating is so important? You're not agreeing that D is best. What you are doing is agreeing that she has a right to feel the way she does.

And anyway you're thinking too literal. Of course that's what she wants right now or else you wouldn't be here. But alot of it is mindreading and things said out of frustration/anger/etc.

"for me to take the fall for our marriage not working out, or at least half of the blame."

All WAS say that.

If you really want your M to have a chance, you've got to stop focusing on her and take care of yourself. Right now your fear is making you very clingy.

Another wise Coach on here told me once that the first thing you need to do is face the brutal reality of your sitch...that you might get D. Once you face that fear and can conquer it, you then go about seeing what you can to save your M. Don't let the fear control you.

Another thing you have to understand is that you need to respect her wants. You may not agree with them, but it's what she wants for now. Those wants can always change.