Brief history: Wife had short-lived EA/PA over the summer. We have been married 12 years, no kids. We are both in the performing arts, EA/PA happened at summer music festival while I was not there. We had just moved, I was at home for most of the time, although I saw her for our anniversary 10 days before PA. We just flipped breadwinner situations-she is now the breadwinner while I finish my doctoral degree. She has promised to support me financially regardless.
She confessed about 3 weeks after EA/PA. She told me she had never been in love with me and was sorry we got married before she actually confessed the EA/PA.
Spent a lot of time crying, groveling, trying to pull myself together. First counselor was a disaster-she thought that we should separate so W could self-actualize and that I should consider dating.
About a month after her confession I learned they had cut each other off-though I think it was TOM who did the cutting. She mourned the whole thing in front of me.
We tried to date each other but her heart wasn't in it. I was trying not to grovel but did anyway. She finally told me she didn't want to spend money on our relationship because she didn't want me. Later that week I exposed the whole thing to her family, who has been proactive in trying to save the marriage and very supportive of both of us.
A cousin led me to DB . I read Divorce Busting already, and have a 180 plan that gets me out of our apartment more, volunteering, spending time with friends, and looking for jobs out of town.
We spent Christmas and New Year's together, basically living as friendly roommates. We have begun counseling again, with a highly qualified psychotherapist to help sort out her issues.
He informed me that she is having a midlife. He believes the cause is that she angry at having "missed out" on being single since we married young. She came from a very conservative environment and, rightly or wrongly, felt pressured to marry if she wanted the "benefits" of marriage. She believes she can do better than me now. Hence her wanting to date. He described her moral framework as being in flux and her emotional state to be highly distressed. The only reason I have not been kicked out is that she thinks it would be wrong.
He believes that as long as I am living in this small apartment (in NYC) that I am essentially clinging to the relationship. He told me that there is no way she can get better while I am here, I guess because I am the focus of her dissatisfaction, and that I can't win her back while I'm here.
He doesn't consider the relationship DOA, but he does think I will have to endure a lot more if I really want it.
Welcome to the MLC board. You'll find a lot of support here. Cadet will be along shortly to list the resources and reading list for you. Read, post, and don't be afraid to ask questions.
Do you know what your W's childhood was like? Do you know what the trigger for the crisis was? It is usually a traumatic event that happened 12 to 36 months before the crisis started.
I can tell you that when in full crisis mode, morals usually make an exit.
Whether she's MLC or a WAW this journey is not easy or short. Patience and time will be your best friends as it will take a lot of both.
The weekends can be a bit slow on the boards because folks are out GALing, etc. Don't let that discourage you. Posting picks back up during the week.
Childhood. Very conservative evangelical. Particularly strong emphasis on avoidance of sex outside of marriage and young-earth creationism, among other things. (We are both mainline protestants now.)
The traumatic event -immediately before the EA/PA was moving to NYC due to her career opportunity. I had begun grad school and changed to a more high stress job. Can't think of anything else.
It is possible this had been going on since 2006 or so... she kissed another man back then and stopped it immediately. Her cat from childhood had died a year earlier. Don't laugh; its the only thing she had ever lost in death and she mourned the poor animal for months. The only other time I have ever seen her that upset was after the OM cut her off.
The incident with her messing around in 2006 was relatively minor but real nonetheless. However, in 2008 to early '09, there were some big problems.
Her best friend from college left her husband and father of 2 children (he was my best friend) for another man. We were furious; that marriage had been in trouble for a long time though.
Late 2008-one of her major employers in our old city went belly up due to the recession. It was like losing the family business.
Early 2009-former director of said organization, a family friend, lost his only child to Leukemia.
But I was there and supportive the whole time... does this have anything to do with our relationship?!
I can't stay right now, but just wanted to let you know that the level of support you provided to your W through the various traumatic events is not relevant to her crisis, if she's having one. You did not break her. And you can not fix her.
There will be many around, SA's right ... it tends to be slower on the weekends. Hang in there, keep posting, keep asking questions ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I offered to talk the R this evening because I could tell she wanted to. Went nowhere. First she said I wasn't really going to listen to her. I assured her I was.
All she ended up saying was that she was happy with life, but not our situation. As if I didn't know that, or as if I am! ;-)
(Therapist has limited what she is allowed to say to me-no more hurtful insults or abuse.)
------Hopefully you have already done the first thing.---- The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
