Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Harrier]

Thanks for the kind words. X-Man

This morning my W comes down and says "I'm sorry about last night."

You analogy about the marathon is interesting. I've run 100s of road races, I've never had a DNF (did not finish). I've come close in Oct. 07, I ran the Chicago marathon. If you are not into running, that probably doesn't mean much. But it was the race where they canceled the marathon about 2 hrs into it because of the hot weather.

If you made it past the halfway point before the canceled, they let you finish. I was one of those people. I made it to mile 16 before my mind told me to quit, to DNF. I actually stop running when to the side of the road, took off my bib and stopped my watch.

This is from something I wrote about that experience.
"Then for some unexplained reason. I just decide to start running again. This time slowly. I just tell myself you can run as slow as you want...just run. So I do that. I don't turn on the watch. I just start plodding along. And plod I go. After a mile or so, I turn the watch back on. Just try to get under 3:45. I tell myself. Just run. This is just a 10 mile mid summer jaunt. Just run.

After 2, I start to feel my calves cramp if I try to increase my pace to anything faster than 9:00. Okay...this is how it will be. I make sure I don't go faster (Although the rest of my body feels like I can.) Every now and then I have stop to stave off full-on cramps and to stretch my legs. Nothing seems help the cramping except slowing down and stretch. At around mile 22, my right quad is threatening to cramp up. I just continue run/walk/stretch. My legs have done their part and didn't fully lock up on me.

I see the sign for 1 mile to. No jubilation, no relief ... just me plodding to get there. I stop for a final stretch then chug my way to the end. I complete the marathon in my worst time, but I made it."

[XYZ]

I just decide to start running again. This time slowly. I just tell myself you can run as slow as you want...just run. So I do that.... Just run....I make sure I don't go faster (Although the rest of my body feels like I can.)...slowing down and stretch...I just continue run/walk/stretch....No jubilation, no relief ... just me plodding to get there...I complete the marathon...I made it."

Read these parts and apply them to your sitch. Just do it. Now.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Harrier,

Thank you. I got the impression you might have though I was a just a naive cheer leader. I have bunch of actual work to do, but I hope you check back here later before making any final decision to give up piecing.

[Bolt]

harrier,
I feel for you and the bad times for sure. They totally are horrible.

I see two things in your posts that are hugely positive though. You realized what kind of bad H you were though. You saw the things you did wrong and you are working on correcting them.

NOW check out the one thing that you are still doing? Impatience. Love is patient. Say that with me. Love IS patient. If you continue the patient route, your W WILL see how different you truly are. Stay the course, dude.

Lemme say something else positive about your second post.

She apologized! Holy crap man. Think about why she did what she did the night before. She was scared that this isn't the new Harrier. That this is just a ghost, waiting for the old Harrier to come back.

So what does she do? She lashes out to protect herself. She tests to see if old Harrier will come back.

Unfortunately, you showed her a little taste but that doesn't mean that things are away from piecing. She has to realize that there are going to be slipups. They aren't permanent. They are simply slipups.

I asked my W for forgiveness for the slipups I haven't had yet. I said, I know they are going to happen and she has to allow for that but not make me feel that I can't have them. I don't want them but I'm pretty sure they will happen.

Heck, I've been one way for 40 years. It's hard to completely change overnight.

BUT DUDE - She apologized to you.

That's pretty huge.

Now, let's see what you do with that. Take this opportunity to make her feel safe. Tell her that you are her shelter, her rock, her safe place. Tell her that you never intended any of the bad things you said to her - you were hurt and felt insecure and the only way you knew how to deal with it was by defending yourself AND hurting her. You didn't intend to do it though.

She needs to feel that you are her protector, her hero.

She's giving you a golden opp here man.

When my wife did that, I swooped in. Things have been awesome ever since. BETTER than before.

stay strong dude. Use what happened as a huge learning experience.

[Firstlove]

Harrier

These guys are giving you good advice man - do NOT GIVE UP - that is the only path to failure, giving up. In the famous words of Winston Churchill

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP.

That man knew something of perseverance in the face of overwhelming odds and adversity. This is a BATTLE man, there is a fight to be won here and the only one who wins the fight is the one who refuses to quit. What do you do when you are in a fight and you keep pounding the other guy, knocking him down flat on his face with the wind knocked out of him, and he just keeps getting back up, taking the hits again and again and again. You stand there POUNDING him as HARD AS YOU CAN, and the guy just keeps getting back up and coming back for more, no matter how HARD you hit him - he just refuses to quit. After a while you get tired of hitting this guy and you realize that no matter how bloodied he is, no matter how many teeth you have knocked out of his mouth or how many bones you have broken - the guy will not stay down and give up. Eventually your hand is going to get very sore hitting him and it finally becomes clear to you - THIS GUY is a warrior and no matter what I do to him, he is NOT quitting.

What do you think of this guy who you have literally beat to a pulp over and over and over again, and he won't quit. You start to admire this SOB, you may not like him and that is at the foundation of why you were fighting, but dammmmmm he is one tough SOB and he will not give up, no matter what I do to him to make him quit. What do YOU start thinking about him - you think - ok this guy has something in him that I cannot beat out of him - its called perseverance and tenacity - he will NOT QUIT. Pretty soon, this guy who you have been beating on earns a different place in your mind and your heart.

Harrier - YOU can choose to be THAT GUY - who will not quit, no matter what. Be that MAN - in fact MAN UP - stand up and FIGHT. Nobody said this was going to be easy, not one of us on here has it easy and solutions are not instant - this takes TIME and it takes perseverance and fighting thru the pain. I know something about both physical pain and emotional pain, I have had my fill of both in my life thank you very much. Here is a TRUE story about me.

I have a black belt in Taekwondo - the Korean martial art. I was a bouncer in Hell's Angel motorcycle bars, so believe me when I tell you this, I know something about fighting and making guys quit either in the face of fear or reeling from pain - I know how to inflict physical pain - or at least I did 35 years ago - now I am just all talk. But 35 years ago, I was THE bouncer in the bar. I became a black belt and was trained by a 6th degree black belt Korean. This guy was the trainer for the Korean Army and he taught hand to hand combat to the soldiers. Know what one criteria to GET INTO the Korean Army is - you have to be a BLACK BELT to get in -that is a basic qualification. So when you have the instructor teaching you about pain - believe me - I know pain. Here is one lesson he walked us thru. He would line the students up against the wall and have us stand there and let him hit us - hard. As hard as he could - no - if he hit us as hard as he could - we would have been dead. But let me tell you, when a 6th degree black belt hits you hard - THAT is pain. BOOM we would be on the floor with our stomachs in FLAMES from pain. There I am lying on the floor in front of him puking my guts out. Know what he did - he stood over me and said - GET UP. I would crawl on my knees, grab all the strength I did not have and stood there in front of him. He would just look at me and say - I am going to hit you again. BOOM !!!!!!! this anvil of a fist going about a billion miles an hour slams into my stomach flying me backwards against the wall - me collapsing in a pile of my own puke on the floor. He walks over to me, stands in front of me looking DOWN, and says - GET UP. Over and over and over again this happens. Finally I know that I am like 2 seconds from DEATH I am in so much pain and I CANNOT get up one more time, I just cannot. I am done, finished, the pain is too much and I cannot even move let alone stand up. He walks over to me and says - GET UP. I cry out - I cannot get up - I can't - I just can't please stop - I am trying to tell you I CANNOT GET UP ONE MORE TIME !!!!!! Why WHY WHY do you keep hitting me so hard I ask, lying on the floor , I cannot get up. He looks DOWN at me and says this "I know you cannot get up - Black Belts get up - when they can't" Now - GET UP

I got up when I could not - and I got my black belt. Life is like that pal - its a BATTLE - I know you cannot get up one more time, the pain is just too much, believe me, I know. Here is a quote I saw this morning as a matter of fact, it speaks to what is going on in your life, and in mine right now.

I will send later

[FindingMyVoice]

I don't know where this train is headed, but I've been given an ultimatum. We aren't in piecing because I can't talk a bout my needs and she can't talk about hers.

Harrier, just wanted to echo the encouragement from the others today. You sound like you're really hurting from your discussion last night, and I'm sorry to hear that. Could you expand on this above? What did she say that made you feel like you were given an ultimatum? Other than her saying 'I don't love you' (which I don't believe, and don't think you should either, by the way) I read this post a couple of times and didn't catch the same drift. Was there something else that was said? Or something I'm missing?

[Harrier]

I think I need to expand on a few things.


1. I am not giving up in any way shape or form. I intend to fight as hard as I can - harder.

2. When she said "I don't love" I didn't really believe it either, but it was very tough to hear.

3. I can be very patient in other areas of my life. For example. I wanted to start having kids way earlier than my wife but I knew she wasn't ready so I waited until she was and didn't really pressure her. I know I have it in me.

4. I need to take a break from here because I find myself comparing to other people's situations too much.

5. FMV - the ultimatum to me was this. I can't talk to her about being impatient for a long time, if ever. If I do, that will drive her away. I told her, "I'm not going to make any promises. Those are just words. I can only show you."

6. There is something behind the impatience. I need to figure it out.

JTB. I didn't think you were a naive cheerleader at all.

[MrBond]

Best thing in your sitch is to put yourself in your W's shoes. REALLY. The impatience comes from selfishness. From the beginning you kept mentioning that you didn't understand why your W couldn't do things that you thought were easy for you to get. That you didn't really need to DB, etc.

The main focus on DB is change. You knew that patience was something you lacked but whenever your W wasn't moving as fast as you thought she should have been moving, you'd get angry.

Make it a point to really understand your W's POV as if it were your own. Build empathy for her. That's where that deep connection will come from. Her EA was based off the idea that the OM "understood her". You need to get to that place. Put her needs before your own. Always. It's tough, but you can do it.

[FindingMyVoice]

6. There is something behind the impatience. I need to figure it out.

Just a though... do you think it's fear? Sometimes, when I get impatient, it's because deep down I fear it's not going to happen because maybe I didn't deserve it in the first place.

Again, pretty deep and girlie, but just a thought in case it rings a bell for you.

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh! And PS - an important note - the 'didn't deserve it in the first place' part? That's a distorted belief based on negative core beliefs. I could write a book on those. Wasn't trying to imply that you didn't deserve love.