First, I can't tell everyone how glad I am to have found this. Not only the site, but the books as well. It's really been the savior so far of not only my marriage but my life.
The story goes...Been married for over 15 years and dated about 3 before. Met in college after "having my fun". Found the right girl with the right values and couldn't let her go.
Moved from town to town because of my job in entertainment. Had 2 kids and thought life was pretty good.
We went through counseling after the first child - right around the 7 year "itch". The C was ok but we (read I) weren't getting too much from it. Things got pretty good and the status quo was fine.
Kid 2 came along and PPD kicked in big time. We dealt with that through medication and a job change for W. She works in the health profession so she's been able to move wherever my career has taken us.
The last move was 4 years ago to the west coast. We moved from our house that we owned to a rental. W wasn't happy with the not only the move but the house. We then moved into a relatively expensive house (hey, it's southern california) that we could easily pay.
Then things went really south. W started working the night shift at the hospital. I got very lonely and felt depraved. I only saw her maybe 2 nights a week - maybe. My "needs" weren't being met.
I got a new assistant at work who, unfortunately, was attentive, outgoing and very attractive. I have a very outgoing personality but tend to forget I'm the boss. I like to have fun with everyone, not realizing what that shows to everyone.
A small relationship started (platonic - no sex - not even close) but there was an emotional connection. When things started to head in a more serious direction, I had to stop things short. I was(am) faithful and no intentions of taking things further. The OW wanted to and took the "rejection" bad. I was brought into HR under sexual harassment charges and soon let go. I had no leg to stand on. Nothing happened but it was the perception from not only the OW but other coworkers that something inappropriate was going on.
I was the leader at work and I had failed everyone.
This didn't go over well at home either. My wife was appraised of everything throughout my time of "needing." I told her how I felt and that there was nothing going on. I was surprised at just how understanding I thought she was.
After being let go, I realized that she was just keeping a front. She was really hurting inside and I had no idea.
We almost separated because of that but sought C that worked really well. I had been going to a C who helped me quite a bit through the time up until my being let go.
We salvaged things and seemed to be on the right track.
A year went by and by other's terms, I'm still considered unemployed. My career is on a different path and my "kind" of jobs are hard to come by. I've been working on taking a step back career wise and until recently, that has been nearly impossible.
Finally, about a month ago, the Bomb was dropped. My W was interested in going back to a class reunion but didn't tell me of her desire to go. She ended up not going but then resenting me for it. After Thanksgiving, she told me she wanted to go home to see family. I could see the hurt in her eyes and decided that we should go, no matter the financial cost.
Two days before the kids and I were to leave for the holidays, W told me that she wanted a divorce and that she didn't love me anymore. Needless to say, I was devastated. I thought things were going so well? How could this have happened? She told me it's been going on for far too long and that she was numb. She just wanted it to end.
Desperate, I looked everywhere for help. I found Michele's vblog about the WAW. It was my W to a tee. Now what should I do?
I bought DB and DR and started to read them immediately. W was at work so I decided to put the first step into practice. I didn't mention anything about what happened the day before. I didn't say I love you. Nothing like that. Things slowly got better!
The day before, W said for me to sleep downstairs. The next day, simply because I didn't pursue or even bring up the previous conversation, she said it was ok for me to sleep in the same bed.
The next week during the holidays did wonders. Since she had to work xmas eve, the kids and I were in a different state for a few days. The distance did wonders. We talked and got closer - I never brought up the last "fight" unless she did. Things were looking up.
She joined us for xmas and things were much better. Still no sex but there was cuddling. I felt things getting better.
Then we had a major setback. She thought that I was resorting to my "old self" and that I would never change. I'm human and had a minor slip up. This was not who I was anymore but she didn't see it. It was over.
But I stayed the course.
I did pursue but in a way that she always wanted. I was respectful and kind. I was extremely selfless but didn't lose myself either. I still felt with all my effort that things were getting better but still not exactly part of the plan.
I needed patience for sure. It's hard when the girl of your dreams who you thought you were of hers, tells you she isn't sure how she feels.
Then I sprang into DB action. I stopped the pursuit. I was appreciative and very respectful but didn't beg or plead. She needed to find out on her terms not mine. I just had to wait.
(sorry for being long winded) Things are looking up now. Being SBT has worked immensely. I don't see the negative or overthink things anymore (mostly). I take the good and hold on to that. I can see a big change especially recently.
I really look forward to the future and want things to be even better. I feel that through this and my faith in God, this will happen.
mike
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
You have been together for 18 years. She isn't going to believe that your current changes are going to last, that is why it is so important that they do.
Provision about those changes.
As long as you are making them for you, because you want to be this 'better' person.
Making those changes soley for her? She is right to think its a trap.
As long as you are doing this for you, then you're doing well, but you cannot fault her for not believing in them. I'd suggest not bringing up your changes either, as in:
"Look how much I have changed!"
Prove it to her.
When you backslide? Yeah man, you are only human...but remove that from your vocabulary and do better.
Your attitude and talking about yourself mostly and not her?
Refreshing.
: )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It's funny because some times I can feel a backslide into my old self - selfish, uncaring of others' needs. I have to really take some inventory and find out why. That usually helps things.
I'm struggling with the fact that W is a very independent woman. She needs to do her own thing every once and a while and I'm learning hard to let her.
An example is her Iphone that is attached to her fingers. FB and texting are her main means of communication. The selfish part of me wants to know why she is doing it all the time but the new part of me simply understands that it's something she enjoys. She doesn't hide it from me because it is innocent and fun for her. I don't worry about it being another man because I do trust her.
I guess it's that "controlling" part of me that doesn't want to go away without a fight
Jack-thanks for the encouragement. I don't want to head down either side of the slope but instead keep foraging forward.
Sandi2- thanks for the kind words. I will do my best!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I think it is good for the H and the W to have independent activities and are not in a co-dependent R. As long as she doesn't start acting secretive about her phone & emails. If she's open to let you see what's on the phone, then things are probably okay.
I see this almost everywhere I go. I think our society is completely obsessed with cell phones! And as for FB.....don't even get me started. Looking up old boy friends (or girl friends) only leads to trouble. I do not believe in couples having "friendships" with the opposite sex when it excludes the S.
If your W is contacting private friends of the opposite sex, then she probably wouldn't be too open for you to see her phone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We've always had a pretty open conversation about our feelings. Sometimes that's bad but most times that's good. I've been more open for sure.
I did ask her about the texts to an old friend who was male. It was going on quite a bit and it seemed innocent enough. I wanted to tell her that because of the situation that we are in, my insecurities with our relationship, that if she could tone it back.
She agreed and even apologized that it bothered me. I told her that the only reason was because of the combination of it being a male and it happening now.
After talking more, she said at first she was upset but because of our new communication skills, she thought about it and did see it from my side as being hurtful.
We talked more this morning about it and I explained that it wasn't the idea of facebook or texting but that it was a male. She agreed and apologized.
What could have been a drop down drag out battle in the past was a calm discussion and an understanding on both sides.
She said that she wasn't trying to hide anything from me and as a matter of fact, was telling me all that was going on. I'm glad we have the openness but still...
am I being too controlling?
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
She said that she wasn't trying to hide anything from me and as a matter of fact, was telling me all that was going on. I'm glad we have the openness but still...
am I being too controlling?
I see it as you being wise. We need to "affair proof" our M and by expressing what you did to her...it let her know this was a problem for you. You did not accuse her of any wrong doing....and that was excellent. If you had...then her defenses would have shot up and more problems would have come crashing in.
I do believe that you may need to check up on this contacting other friend after two or three weeks have passed. If you have access to the phone bill, you could tell just how much time is spent on him.
The main thing to watch is her moods. If she is not warming up toward you and you feel she is pulling back, then you need to get to the root of the cause.
Two old platforms the WAW (who is in an EA) will use... "OM and I are just friends", and "You are controlling".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's funny because the old me would have handled that totally different.
I went to our C yesterday and she said that I did a great thing and handled it correctly. I was simply establishing boundaries.
Despite everything that we're going through, W is very respectful and caring. She knows that hurt me and I truly believe that it was an innocent platonic connection. I don't want to "keep an eye" on her but if it does flare up, I will be wary for sure.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
She's trying to help me deal with how my W is changing so the M can survive. She told me that I have to deal with my expectations.
She said I should act, in regards to my expectations, that we were already divorced. Would W kiss you goodbye if you were divorced? Would she fix you a plate of food if you were divorced? Would she sit in the same room with you alone if you were divorced?
That hit home big time. I think we spouses who are the one fighting to make it work don't recognize exactly what our spouses actually do. Now I see just how much she does do to keep our relationship together. Does she initiate "I love you" or ask to ML? No BUT she does the other things and that's big.
The difference is expectations versus gifts. The C told me to look at those interactions as gifts. I said how the other night the W rolled over and put her arm on me. Subsequently, the next two nights, she seemed as cold as cold could be and I was bothered by it.
It was my expectations that she would do that from now on. Instead, I need to look at that as a gift and cherish that. Not to think it will never happen again, but don't expect it every time.
I hope that helps others that are in our way too common boat here.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
just when you think things are going at least better, paranoia grabs me by the throat.
Remember how I called W out about the texts to another guy? Well, she said that she would cut back but after some searching (I couldn't help it) - it actually hasn't stopped.
She has told me they are friends but I can't help it. You don't text a "friend" a couple of hundred times.
I'm totally lost on what to do now...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
