Lighthouse lit till WAW comes out of fog.

[habitacker]

I am starting a new thread because I think you are supposed to after 100 hits. I am not sure how to post a link to my old thread.

Well, I have survived for about 4 months now since the bomb. In the last couple of weeks I think I am starting to accept what has to be done.

I am going to give her time, leave her alone, and try to decach the best I can.

It is really hard because I really think she is done. I see no sign of any change or willingness to try at all. But, if I accept this, I am done anyway. So I might as well be in it for the long haul and hope how I perceive things is wrong.

I see a lot of posts about people backsliding. I don't think I have had to write one of these yet, so maybe I am doing something right. I also feel like I am not doing anything, so how do I backslide? Same day over and over, not any worse, not any better. Getting very lonely.

Well I will just keep plugging along.

[dbmod]

Thank you for self-moderating, habitacker.
Here's the link to your old thread.
GAL with WAW, stuck bad

[Denver_2010]

2 months for me Habit. Maybe we're not as far along in this process as we'd like to believe. I know that you have heard it before, but I'm going to say it again... patience.

And yes, what do you have to lose by giving it more TIME? Yes, we are lonely, but are we really ready to find new Rs? Continue waiting it out, detaching, hoping, being a great dad, and repairing yourself!

[habitacker]

Thanks dbmod.

Thanks Denver. It is just getting so darn hard. Never seeing any baby steps or anything positive just to keep going.

I have never seen any sign of A, but now she is getting a laptop. Why? She has never used a computer for anything more than looking up recipes and shopping. (which has gotten out of hand). I know I should not read things into this,but I can not help what it looks like.

I have a question that has been weighing on my mind since the bomb. I would like to have a response from Sandi2 on it, but anyone with any thoughts would be fine.

The last few times we ML, 2 weeks before bomb, I noticed teary eyes from her. I remember asking if anything was wrong, and she said, "it's nothing". I figured it was maybe just something womanly. Well, obviously it wasn't. This is what I mean by no communication.

Well after the bomb and telling me she hasn't loved me for 3-5 years, I asked her why she initiated and ML to me a few weeks ago? She said,"because it was the only thing that made you happy". Remember that I was a grumpy,angry, verbally abusive man at the time.

Does this sound like a woman who is out of love? I mean, why even bother initiating ML, if you don't love me,like me, and can't even stand to be around me, why initiate ML just to make me happy?

She had also mentioned about ML over the past that she just felt like it was her wifely duties and it was what married people do. I can see this at the times that I initiated it, and she was just going along with it, but why would she initiate it? Just to put me in a better mood?

I would think if you did not love someone and didn't like them, you would avoid ML to them pretty darn hard. Wouldn't you?

[tjack45]

Your question about ML...

Here is my take on this. I have observed a couple of other relationships that turned to divorce. I guess in mine I would say my W started going out with me more, and trying to do things I like in the past year prior to bomb. Another friend of mine's W had surprised him with a trip to a Notre Dame game (his dream vacation) about 6 months pre-bomb. I would say about the ML with your W pre-bomb she was just trying her hardest to make you happy....... She was fighting her negative feelings and the reality that your relationship is not where she wanted it to be. She didn't marry you wanting to get divorced. So I would say her love was just running on empty and she was trying her hardest to change it. IDK just my take.

[habitacker]

Good answer, thank you. Just held that question in my mind for a long time now, don't know why.

You also kind of answered a different question I have asked in the past. I never saw any signs of my W trying to fix things,just kept everything to herself. I think I can see some form of trying from her in your statement. If your statement relates to what my wife was doing.

I would have rather had you tell me that these were actions of a woman who still loved me. Oh well.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks dbmod.

Thanks Denver. It is just getting so darn hard. Never seeing any baby steps or anything positive just to keep going.

I have never seen any sign of A, but now she is getting a laptop. Why? She has never used a computer for anything more than looking up recipes and shopping. (which has gotten out of hand). I know I should not read things into this,but I can not help what it looks like.

I have a question that has been weighing on my mind since the bomb. I would like to have a response from Sandi2 on it, but anyone with any thoughts would be fine.

The last few times we ML, 2 weeks before bomb, I noticed teary eyes from her. I remember asking if anything was wrong, and she said, "it's nothing". I figured it was maybe just something womanly. Well, obviously it wasn't. This is what I mean by no communication.

Well after the bomb and telling me she hasn't loved me for 3-5 years, I asked her why she initiated and ML to me a few weeks ago? She said,"because it was the only thing that made you happy". Remember that I was a grumpy,angry, verbally abusive man at the time.

Does this sound like a woman who is out of love? I mean, why even bother initiating ML, if you don't love me,like me, and can't even stand to be around me, why initiate ML just to make me happy?

She had also mentioned about ML over the past that she just felt like it was her wifely duties and it was what married people do. I can see this at the times that I initiated it, and she was just going along with it, but why would she initiate it? Just to put me in a better mood?

I would think if you did not love someone and didn't like them, you would avoid ML to them pretty darn hard. Wouldn't you?

It is the most difficult thing that I have ever gone through Habit. I bet you'd agree with me on that.

Don't worry about the computer deal. Honestly, I wouldn't read much into that at all. Now if you see her shutting it down or minimizing when she is on it and you walk into the room... then maybe worry. JMO.

And I will give you somewhat the answer that you'd like on ML question. I do think it is bc she still loves you. I do NOT believe that any of our W's have just stopped loving us. I actually think that this rarely happens when love is real. But there is a difference bw loving someone and having that "in love" feeling. Loving someone is caring about their happiness, their safety, and well being. Being "in love", IMO, has more to do with how the other person, whom we DO love, make US feel. It's the butterfly feelings when that person walks in the room. It's that need to be with that person as much as possible. It's the feeling of missing that person when they are not around. I think the "in love" feeling more of a selfish thing, and I don't mean selfish in a bad way. Just what WE get out of being with someone, committing to someone. Their loss of this feeling is why we are here, not bc they don't love us. I don't know if that makes sense. But anyway...

I have no doubt that your W loves you Habit, just like I have no doubt that my W loves me. But are they "in love" with us now or when the bomb dropped? Mine wasn't/isn't. She told me so and I believe her. I think that my depression, my unhappiness, and general unpleasantness caused that to go away. I mean who is going to have butterfly feelings, miss someone, or want to be with someone when that someone has been miserable to be around for months upon months?

I'll go further and say this about my explanation... I love my W right now as I write this. I will probably always love her whatever happens. BUT, I am NOT "in love" with her right now. I miss her, yes. But her choice to leave me, to put me through the emotional stress and hurt that she is putting me through does not make me have warm feelings for her, let alone butterfly feelings. But the difference bw me and my W is that I truly believe that we can be "in love" with each other again. She, presently, does not. Or at least that is what I suspect she believes.

Lastly, I also believe that our W's were planning the bomb long before they dropped it. Call it the Manhattan Project! I'd laugh at my own comment if it were not so sad. Our Ws didn't all of sudden decide that they were done with the M. It was months, maybe years, in the works. So when you and she ML in the weeks prior to the bomb, she probably knew that she was close to dropping it. Thus, the tears in her eyes. JMO Habit. Take it for what its worth... probably nothing.

[ScaredinCanada]

I am starting a new thread because I think you are supposed to after 100 hits. I am not sure how to post a link to my old thread.

Well, I have survived for about 4 months now since the bomb. In the last couple of weeks I think I am starting to accept what has to be done.

I am going to give her time, leave her alone, and try to decach the best I can.

It is really hard because I really think she is done. I see no sign of any change or willingness to try at all. But, if I accept this, I am done anyway. So I might as well be in it for the long haul and hope how I perceive things is wrong.

I see a lot of posts about people backsliding. I don't think I have had to write one of these yet, so maybe I am doing something right. I also feel like I am not doing anything, so how do I backslide? Same day over and over, not any worse, not any better. Getting very lonely.

Well I will just keep plugging along.

I hear you Habit. It's been exactly 2 months since the B for me. I backslide constantly. I'll do well for a few days or a week and then I have setbacks - for exactly the reason you state.

I'm frustrated that I'm not seeing any progress from her side. I'm started to believe I never will, but it makes me think that detaching and GAL are even more important now, because if she doesn't come around I don't want to be a complete mess if and when it ends.

To be honest when this begun I would have never imagined that nothing would have changed in 2 months. I keep telling myself it could take a year or longer, but dealing with the actual time is so much harder than telling yourself something.

I'm really interested to see what if anything my W does for anniversary. I'm going to ask her mid week if she stills wants to go out for dinner or not. If she says no, I'm going to plan a nice dinner with her and kids as a way to at least recognize it as it relates to our family.

I've picked out a nice card, went with something that basically summed up my feelings - but something I obviously can't say to her right now. I'm going to sign, without an ILY or anything additional.

Thanks again for posting, just reading your comments sitch helps me a great deal to cope with mine.

[habitacker]

Had a lot of snow last night. I got up a 4:30 this morning so I could push snow. We live in the country and I have to clear about 2 miles to town so wife and I can get to work and get kids to babysitter or school.

I can't help but wonder what she plans on doing on days like this if I am not around to do this. I am sure things like this are not in her mind, and not a reason to stay together, but I can't help but think about it.

Darn it, I am a pretty darn good guy, I want to take care of my family and do things like this. I have had my problems, sorry, but I am dealing with it. This sitch just seems way to severe for what has happened. We are supposed to be as one, we are supposed to work on things together and never give up. It can be better than it ever has been, I wish she could see this. Only I can see how I have changed. I hope over time she can to.

Other than my actions and just being the person I need to be, I feel so restricted of her being able to know who I really am. I know she can't trust. I wish there was some way we could communicate these things. But, I guess that is what I am working towards, and hopefully we can get to that communicating point. I will keep preparing, but I hate the feeling that I am preparing for a test I will never get to take.

[ScaredinCanada]

LOL - I hear you Habit. My W can't even put the car seats in herself. I've always done it. There are some other things (can't think of them at the moment) that she 100% relies on me for...although like you said not likely things to stay together for. I imagine if we split up she never take the car seats out of the car!

I feel the same way, I'm a good guy. Hard worker, solid father, take care of my family financially. We have an amazing time as a family. I'm working on fixing some of my flaws (which to be honest I never really realized were flaws) that I now know need to be fixed...

I can't say anything else...the rest of what you wrote is verbatim what I would have said!!