Situation Normal; All Flummoxed Up

[crushednstuck]

Well the New Year begins much the same way the last year did. However, thanks to some of the people posting to me, I have a much better perspective on things.

As with many of us, I find it time to begin a new thread with

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110096&page=1

being the old one.

I have not posted for over a month. I've got to say that its been a little discouraging watching some of the most helpful people leave these boards. Unfortunately, their results have not led to repaired marriages, but they seem to have led to better adjusted people - better prepared for the next phase of life. I suppose after 16 months of enduring the process, I should be one more capable of offering help to newcomers, but the LBS cycling can be devastating. Selfishly, my hands have been full just juggling the here and now.

New Year's Day was a blast with W, BIL and friends all partying on game day. I received the typical show of affection from W via a makeout session followed by what appears to be regret that she'd done it. I enjoy the proximity to her, but I know after similar previous event in July and September that I should not read much into her actions.

It has almost become visual evidence of her pinballing emotions around me. She kisses me then almost immediately asks why things weren't this way when we were together. She flirts with other guys around the pool table, then gets pissed when I don't defend her enough. Mind you she's still with OM. I've better learned to roll with the emotional whirlwind these events generate.

It never goes beyond kissing. Even when we are staying in the same place. The dry spell continues. Even drunk, she has some internal mechanism preventing her husband from putting the moves on her. That or her her H's moves are so rusty that they're ineffective on anyone - much less someone married to him.

The most rewarding take-aways from these encounters are her admissions of the pain she is causing. She knows somewhere down deep that what she's doing is wrong. This is not me saying she's wrong - this is her suggesting it. Yet, she quickly disappears down the rabbit hole for several more months.

My success thus far has come in the form of changing the schedule with the kids. I will now be able to do a bit more GALing by having the kids for the entire weekend. And when I don't have them, I'm able to take some trips; take some classes and have a full weekend to refresh and begin anew.

She's been with this a**hole for 16 months. There are still no indications of her need to D me. Apparently, he's a bigger schmuck than I am; watching his girl stay attached to me at every family occasion. But this is less about their actions.

My concern now is that I have been too accommodating. She's had many work challenges (as have I), and I have not budged at helping her through each challenge. She emotes and shares the events of the day. I am her advisor and sounding board, I am the loving father of her kids, but I am not her H. I wonder if making myself less available will be more satisfactory to me and strategically bring us closer when she realizes what she'll lose when I'm gone.

Of course I'm aware that I should not take action based on what she thinks (so you can hold the 2x4s for now). However, acting as her friend has seemingly only protracted this limbo situation. I really want my marriage, but I often find myself entertaining the idea of a new life. I'm much more aware of what I want and how I have behaved in the past. I'm uncertain, though, if I'm really ready to begin anew. I cycle between thinking there's alot of hope to total desperation because I can't seem to un-stick myself. Sort of like getting a car out of a snow bank. I'm successfully rocking back and forth, but I fear I'm burning up the transmission trying to get out.

In addition to the R, I think I'm falling into a bit of a depression. I've always been able to fall back on athletic pursuits when my job or R has been bad, but I'm suffering alot of injuries now. I've put some competitions on the calendar to keep motivated, but I fear that all these injuries (some requiring surgery) are an indication that there's something really wrong. I was bulletproof for 35 years and now the wheels have come off with multiple tendon tears and ruptures over the last seven years.

I'm a little worried that I can't get the same satisfaction from work as I've always worked to live. With two areas of my life frustrating me, I struggle with direction. Financial and logistical situations are closing in and I'm looking for light.

Nonetheless, this is a good place to vent. Hopefully some will benefit from this new post. I pray for resolution again this year, preferably with my W. But if the year ends with me in a D proceeding, I hope that it will lead to a fresh start.

[AntoniaB]

Hi crushed, I don't think I've ever written to you before, and I'm not nearly as far as you are in months post-bomb, but you mentioned the cycling and the depression and I am right there right now too. This is the first "major" cycling backwards that I've done in the 7 months post-bomb. I really thought I was progressing beyond my wildest dreams, and then just a series of things happened and boom, I felt today almost like I was back in month one.

My psychiatrist told me the other day (when I told her I was slipping backwards) that this meant there was unfinished business for me. That there were things I missed. She said the cycling is there to teach us to ask and answer questions, so it is tough, but it has a purpose, and we will come out of it.

Today I talked to a friend about this and she said it's like I'm on this elevator that goes down to the basement, and the basement is the depression/cycling backward. She said I have to stop pushing the button to go down, or if I do push it, get back on the elevator and go to a higher floor. This visual is really helping me out. I thought maybe it might help you too.

Keep the faith in yourself. I think depression, even a subtle bit of it, plays tricks with our minds. A few hours ago today I was literally a wreck, panicky and fearful that I couldn't stop this cycle backwards, like it was all going to be "fresh" again. And the more I visualize that elevator, the more I realize that I can choose to pull myself out if I keep at it.

Best to you.

[crushednstuck]

AB,
Thanks for the input. I like the notion that there's unfinished business attached to the cycling, as noted by your psychiatrist. I know there's more to be uncovered for me. I just don't know how to get there.

I re-read my post and it sounds rather morbid, but I do have many highlights. There are rays of hope. My biggest challenge is to not grasp wildly for them.

I know it is our choices that make us feel stuck. My attempts this year to take more control over my feelings will be my biggest priority - aside from my kids.

I sympathize with your emotional rollercoaster. Judging from your signature, the new year may not begin the way you planned, but finishing some business could provide satisfaction. I often think that if I file and end it, my W may just be shocked out of her funk. I would be taking control, but it seems to be a gamble.

I think I will really embrace the idea that regardless of the sitch, I will take the reigns and have a say in how things go. If D is in my future, I will not fear it, but use it to close the book on one chapter and begin another.

Best 2011 to you too AB!

[ericmsant2]

My man Crushed….

Nice to hear from you bro. Ya know, I wondered what happened to you. Happy New Year buddy and let both hope and pray that 2011 is much better than 2010.

I've got to say that its been a little discouraging watching some of the most helpful people leave these boards

Hopefully you are not talking about me…cause I am still around – just not posting as much.

Unfortunately, their results have not led to repaired marriages, but they seem to have led to better adjusted people - better prepared for the next phase of life.

Repairing a M takes a long time dude and as you pointed out some will reconcile and some will not. Either way, saving oneself and become everything we want to be is the goal for many of us. FTR, this usually is not the goal when we all first came here. It is only after looking inside that we understand that the one way to save a M is to become the people we all want to be.

I should be one more capable of offering help to newcomers, but the LBS cycling can be devastating.

Devastating No….painful – yes. Part of the process – absolutely!

I received the typical show of affection from W via a makeout session

She kisses me

then gets pissed when I don't defend her

The most rewarding take-aways from these encounters are her admissions of the pain she is causing.

She knows somewhere down deep that what she's doing is wrong.

Apparently, he's a bigger schmuck than I am

Crushed, these are all good signs up there ^^^^

followed by what appears to be regret that she'd done it

has almost become visual evidence of her pinballing emotions around me

She flirts with other guys around the pool table,

Mind you she's still with OM

she has some internal mechanism preventing her husband from putting the moves on her

Crushed, these are NOT good

So what does this tell YOU? IMO, she is still completely confused and hooked on OM.

I can see based on your post that you may want to change things up a bit, which I agree with. I mean are you going to serve up Ice Cream with her cake?

What is that Einstein saying? Something about doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results. Oh, and what does DB principals say? “do what works – if something is not working change it”.

My success thus far has come in the form of changing the schedule with the kids. I will now be able to do a bit more GALing by having the kids for the entire weekend. And when I don't have them, I'm able to take some trips; take some classes and have a full weekend to refresh and begin anew

This is gonna be REALLY good for you man. I suggest that you try and plan things to do when you do not have the kids.

She's been with this a**hole for 16 months.

“a**hole”…dude where is that old angry Crushed? Man I expected at least a “she has been with this low life, piece of chit, a**hole, cheating, nasty, ugly motherf*cking di*kwad. JK, sorry I had to get that out.

There are still no indications of her need to D me.

Have you asked yourself why? I think I may have an idea what it might be (see below)…..

My concern now is that I have been too accommodating.

Crushed, while you have been serving ice cream with her cake, you have been working on yourself (or at least I hope you have) and in doing so you gave her the space that she needed to work on her own issues. You were accommodating, you were patient, you did what you could. I say this because I have been where you are at. Allow me to expand….

FTR, I may be off base here but I do not believe so….

Right now you are beginning to realize just how long this process takes, you are beginning to realize that NOTHING YOU do will snap her a** out of her crisis, you are beginning to realize that somewhere along this journey YOU have lost a little bit of the old Crushed that you did like and NOW you want this guy back. Now, you are beginning to see what everyone says…”make this about YOU”, “FOCUS on YOU”, “Do what YOU want to do for YOU”. As you have begun to see this you have also probably realized that some of your changes were to GET her back. You are my friend beginning to really let go. Pssst…don’t be surprised if you continue to cycle.

I wonder if making myself less available will be more satisfactory to me and strategically bring us closer when she realizes what she'll lose when I'm gone.

Up there is what I call “when the rubber meets the road”.

Right now, you still want her back Crushed BUT you are beginning to question yourself, beginning the wonder IF this is really what I want. All normal feelings dude. What I really want to say to you is that…..stop thinking about what she is going to FEEL and THINK when you pull away (easier said than done). Cause IMO, she may not really be able to comprehend it. She may not be able to understand what she is feeling.

Think about it dude, you pull away and she says/thinks that you’re an as* or that you did not love her enough, so she is justified. Now, if you decide to stay “connected” she just may think or feel that she does not have to make a choice by virtue of her being able to continue to have her cake or she justifies having OM as trying to figure it out. So IMO, either way you go, she will justify her actions. IMO, she will continue this UNTIL she decides NOT to. So IF you make a change on how you interact, how you deal with her….the change MUST be for YOU. It must be what YOU need and want – NOT as an attempt to secure a change from her. She will change IF and WHEN she is ready to.

However, acting as her friend has seemingly only protracted this limbo situation.

And WHO allows the limbo in YOUR life to remain?

but I often find myself entertaining the idea of a new life

GOOD….and this new life COULD be with YOUR W. Either way the new life should be ONE that YOU WANT to live and enjoy – for YOU.

I'm uncertain, though, if I'm really ready to begin anew.

What is ANEW for YOU? Define it dude.

I cycle between thinking there's alot of hope to total desperation because I can't seem to un-stick myself. Sort of like getting a car out of a snow bank. I'm successfully rocking back and forth, but I fear I'm burning up the transmission trying to get out.

A little story dude…..about two weeks ago I was driving to work (after slipping on the road in my Jeep) when all of a sudden my Jeep died as I was getting off the highway. I was able to steer so that I was off the exit. The car would not start. I was pissed dude – I mean really pissed. I kept trying to start the jeep (it is a 2008 – so it’s not like it’s old)…kept turning the key. The engine would not even crank. Nothing dude – no starter sound – nada. I realized that I had not renewed my AAA membership and so I was gonna have to pay for someone to tow me. Given all of the financial stuff I had going on, trust me I did not need this. At one point I almost wanted to cry. So I looked up…and said “lord can a brother get a break – com’on God…can ya hook me up and just give me a little something”… I called information and had them connect me to AAA. For some reason the call was dropped. When the call dropped I was really pissed…once again started talking to God. Then….all of sudden, something came over me….STOP – STOP Eric – DO nothing for a second. So….I did, I sat in the Jeep for about 20 mins, I calmed myself down, thought about what I needed to do, called my boss and said I was running late…then something happened. Something inside of me said Eric give the car another shot. I did. The Jeep turned on and I was able to drive it to my parking lot. So…the moral of the story….

When you are “burning out the transmission trying to get out” – STOP! Sit still for a while or a second. Let life just happen. Now I am not saying that you should sit on your hands all the time and do nothing. No – but when in doubt, when frustrated, when pissed – stop and just be.

with two areas of my life frustrating me, I struggle with direction. Financial and logistical situations are closing in and I'm looking for light.

Crushed as I said above….STOP…sit still, the direction you are looking for, the financial and logistical stuff will all work JUST the way they are supposed to. Stop worrying. Stop trying to control every f*cking thing. And just so that you know, I STILL struggle with the worry so as much as I say this to you I am also saying it to myself.

Crushed – 16 months is a long time. I know how tough it is. Ask some of our mutual friends and they will tell you that I understand. I have been in the house with my alien for 18 months. You can do “this” Crushed….

I leave you with this dude…

Define “this” for YOURSELF. Make a choice on what YOU want this to be RIGHT NOW. Then stick with it. AND always remember this….YOU can change what THIS is anytime YOU want. Just make sure it is inline with WHO Crushed wants to be.
God Bless,
Eric

[crushednstuck]

“a**hole”…dude where is that old angry Crushed? Man I expected at least a “she has been with this low life, piece of chit, a**hole, cheating, nasty, ugly motherf*cking di*kwad. JK, sorry I had to get that out.

Hey Brother that was awesome. That guy is still rattling around in my melon but I'm secure in the knowledge that he's scared shi*less of me. I cycle through the a** whooping, violent fantasies; watching him scramble around for his chicklets after I've caved his skull in. But, it would only serve to push her further away. I realized this long ago. The big guy never wins. You get pushed around and you're a pu**y; you retaliate and you're a bully.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the thought put into your post here. You're on the "chain gang" too with real tough times in the immediate rear view. Best wishes on an improved sitch in 2011.

I am much more positive entering this year over last. But the demons still exist. I'm so accustomed to being stomped on that I have a hard time knowing when its enough. Maybe the graying hair I now have is allowing me to think less of my image. I still look dam* good but I am beginning to care less what people think of me.

The ice cream I've served up with her cake can't last. Whatever catnip douche is serving can't outlast the fact that she and I both know there are things unresolved.

Today was her birthday and she was suffering from a bladder infection - which she often gets. Yet I brought the kids over to celebrate. We came back to her place later with cake, balloons and flowers. But I know she gets the infections after sex. So I find myself wanting to care for her (in obvious pain) but sickly gratified that she is suffering for her betrayal.

However, I need to find peace. And with the peace some happiness. It is slow in coming, but the last year has provided a path. With happiness I can pleasantly decline her invitations to interact - and maybe (or maybe not) she'll realize what's disappearing. Either way, I will be more fulfilled than I was the last year.

A belated toast to 2011 Eric, and another step toward resolution and satisfaction.
Cheers!

[punkin]

“a**hole”…dude where is that old angry Crushed? Man I expected at least a “she has been with this low life, piece of chit, a**hole, cheating, nasty, ugly motherf*cking di*kwad. JK, sorry I had to get that out.

Eric! Put on a velcro sailer suit, grab a pole and I'll provide the liquor. Eloquent. Simply eloquent. LOL

[punkin]

Seriously CNS,

Eric is right. Why are you letting your wife get away with treating you this way? There is no love in this from her; only self-centered narcissism. Because you don't want to make her mad??? Because she'll think less of YOU?? She's acting like a horny teenager, in front of you, no less, and living with OM. Then kissing on you and acting coy? Women have a word for this. So do men. Women hate this word tremendously, so most of us don't use it often. It has 4 letters and starts with C.

Sorry man, but that's the way I see it.

[crushednstuck]

Thanks for the X chromosome perspective punkin. I was raised as a Southern gentleman, so I've never called anyone that, but its crossed my mind as a good moniker for some people.

I know you both are right. Just to clarify, she's living on her own. But yes she's still transfixed by whatever spell he's put on her. The dope left his wife and they've shared marital misery via work contact for years. So whether he's been her "work husband" or not, I don't know. They've known each other for five years plus. The thought that her taking two failed marriages into another R with a recently divorced douche who's willing to break up another is almost comical.

It's probably time he deals with her woman problems and the drama at work. I don't want to be her BFF anymore. The problem always lies in the interaction with the kids. I can't tell her not to show at ball games. There's got to be some method for interacting daily with her and yet allowing detachment without animosity.

[punkin]

Absolutely! That's what DB'ng is all about. But you seem stuck concentrating on how SHE feels, what SHE thinks. Stop it!

Go the the kids games, but you don't have to sit together, or interact at all, for that matter, other than smile and wave.

And while I'm ranting, stop worrying about what a loser she has hooked up with. Not your problem. She'll find out, or he'll find out, or they will both find out sooner or later.

Think about YOURSELF. YOUR life. YOUR life with your kids. Why is she even at these get togethers with you anyway? Or more to the point, why are you there with HER???

AARRGGHH! To quote Charlie Brown. I congratulate you on being a Southern Gentleman. I, too am Southern, and I appreciate that, as there are too few of you out there. But as a Southern Woman, I'm also tougher than nails and more than able to take care of myself. So is your W, so quit being used and abused.

((HUGS))

[crushednstuck]

Thanks agin Punkin. To answer your question, I find myself drinking with her when we're at family gatherings. In July, it was her uncle's birthday. He didn't know about us yet, and I helped keep appearances. Again, for an employer dinner at Christmas - her bosses don't know.

The holidays were different where we had Christmas at the ILs house, and I wouldn't miss the chance for time with my kids. The other occasions won't happen again, but I'll have a hard time letting Christmas go.

I hope to be coaching again this season, so I won't have to interact. I do need to do a better job about ignoring her feelings, but I believe some of that led to our separation. DBing is different, I know, but hey it's hard not being considerate.

My W isn't tough. Just stubborn. She often thinks she's "street smart", but looking at her from this perspective proves the contrary.